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Original poster

Have I been an awful friend?

27 replies

ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:14

I have a friend, I’ll call him Derek. I’ve been friends with Derek for close to 15 years but it’s a long distance friendship so now only consists of texting and sending birthday cards, Christmas cards etc.

For a bit of back story, Derek has always been full on, if you don’t respond he texts again, his conversations are all focused on him and he often used me to vent to. I’ve always allowed it as I felt bad that he doesn’t really have any other friends. In the past year I’ve had to start putting boundaries in place for my own mental health as I felt like I was a battering ram for his emotions.

I’ve attached our latest text conversation, he is grey and I’m green. He blocked me at the end of this and I haven’t reached out at all since.

was I an awful friend? So as not to drip feed I am autistic and I’m really struggling to gauge this. My OH says i was firm but polite.

OP posts:
toochesterdraws · 16/07/2023 00:24

Your messages are firm, polite, with good boundaries, you told him how you feel, and no it is not awful at all. It is perfectly okay to say no to people.

He has gone off in a strop and blocked you because you weren't doing what he wanted. Let him sulk.

Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:27

@toochesterdraws he has yeah, he blocked me as soon as he sent the final message.

I think even if he does unblock me it’s the end of the friendship. I can’t make time for someone who can’t respect me enough to not storm off because I’m not free to vent too.

OP posts:
Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 16/07/2023 00:30

You were clear but kind in your message. Your friend reacted in a childish, self-centred way. I'd let them get on it with it. You did nothing wrong.

Iknowthis1 · 16/07/2023 00:30

You did nothing wrong.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2023 00:30

You're not wrong not to want to engage with his rants but sharing his exact messages here is horrible & your reply is brutal.

There's a midway point I think.

However his blocking of you indicates he is pretty immature.

If you only text & don't see each other, what's the point anyway. Just let it go.

jays · 16/07/2023 00:31

I wouldn’t post someone’s private text messages that were only to me on a public platform. I think that’s a really rotten thing to do. Just being honest with you X

misssunshine4040 · 16/07/2023 00:31

I think it honestly depends on whether you actually care about him?
If not then he's done you a favour, no one should be friends with someone out of pity. But if you care for him then I think you could have explained a bit further rather than telling him you are opting out

Iknowthis1 · 16/07/2023 00:32

If he was a proper friend he would have come back asking why your week was so shit and if you're ok. He was too wrapped up in himself to think of you.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/07/2023 00:33

He's obviously very childish and you're setting boundaries, but that message is fairly brutal. Tbh given the history it doesn't seem like much of a loss. Don't overthink it now, the friendship has clearly ran it's course.

easilydistracted1 · 16/07/2023 00:33

I think your messages were fair and well thought out. His were quite selfish and childish. And no check on how you are. Plus I imagine if you've known him that long he knows you're autistic or at least your communication style. You checked the response he wanted and provided it. He just didn't get the answer he wanted. I imagine he'll unblock you soon, but he's pretty much given you licence to ignore him.

RunningFromInsanity · 16/07/2023 00:38

I think you were quite harsh tbh. I’d be a bit upset if a friend ‘opted out’ of a conversation.

HermeticDawn · 16/07/2023 00:39

Your response is fine, but posting a private message conversation for debate on the internet is a horrible breach of privacy and trust.

Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:41

Thank you everyone for replying so far.

just to answer some of the questions,

  1. the reason why I maintained communication even though it was just text based is that we’ve essentially grown up together. We met when I was 15 so I didn’t wish to just not be involved in each others lives.

  2. I’m sorry that sharing the text messages has been a horrible thing for me to do as commented, I didn’t realise it was a bad thing to do but I’ll learn from that so thank you for commenting. I was worried that if I didn’t show the messages I wouldn’t be able to get the conversation across in full and I wanted it to be plain to be judged so I didn’t skew it. But I won’t do that again so thank you I do appreciate that.

  3. I do care about him, I wouldn’t wish anything bad for him at all so I was sad that he has blocked me. I think mainly because I feel like I’ve invested a lot of energy into the friendship and i felt very disregarded and sort of thrown on the scrap heap to just be blocked without another word.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:44

I’ve reported my thread to ask @mnhq to remove the images.

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 16/07/2023 00:45

No, you haven’t been an awful friend. He sounds manipulative, selfish, and childish.

you don’t owe anything to this person.

one thing I have learned in therapy is that sometimes there’s a reason someone doesn’t have many friends. I used to be that person who felt obligated and worried - but then I got used as someone’s punching bag, just as this person seems to be trying with you, and you graciously said you didn’t have the energy for it.

good for you.

holding boundaries is sometimes very uncomfortable.

as they say - “we teach people how to treat us.”
you didn’t block him, or make him block you - you communicated calmly, kindly and firmly.

the rest is on him. He’s not your problem to fix.

purpleme12 · 16/07/2023 00:45

RunningFromInsanity · 16/07/2023 00:38

I think you were quite harsh tbh. I’d be a bit upset if a friend ‘opted out’ of a conversation.

I think I agree with this

Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:48

@purpleme12 i understand, I feel like I did use the wrong words when I said opted out. I was trying to end the conversation and unfortunately unless I specifically say I’m ending the conversation he texts multiple times until I reply. Usually I lie and say I’ve gone to bed and I should have probably done that again this time. That is my bad and I can see that wasn’t kind of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:49

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/07/2023 00:45

No, you haven’t been an awful friend. He sounds manipulative, selfish, and childish.

you don’t owe anything to this person.

one thing I have learned in therapy is that sometimes there’s a reason someone doesn’t have many friends. I used to be that person who felt obligated and worried - but then I got used as someone’s punching bag, just as this person seems to be trying with you, and you graciously said you didn’t have the energy for it.

good for you.

holding boundaries is sometimes very uncomfortable.

as they say - “we teach people how to treat us.”
you didn’t block him, or make him block you - you communicated calmly, kindly and firmly.

the rest is on him. He’s not your problem to fix.

I really appreciate that thank you. I haven’t blocked him no the door is still open in that sense but I would have to reconsider if the friendship is healthy for me.

OP posts:
jays · 16/07/2023 00:50

ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:41

Thank you everyone for replying so far.

just to answer some of the questions,

  1. the reason why I maintained communication even though it was just text based is that we’ve essentially grown up together. We met when I was 15 so I didn’t wish to just not be involved in each others lives.

  2. I’m sorry that sharing the text messages has been a horrible thing for me to do as commented, I didn’t realise it was a bad thing to do but I’ll learn from that so thank you for commenting. I was worried that if I didn’t show the messages I wouldn’t be able to get the conversation across in full and I wanted it to be plain to be judged so I didn’t skew it. But I won’t do that again so thank you I do appreciate that.

  3. I do care about him, I wouldn’t wish anything bad for him at all so I was sad that he has blocked me. I think mainly because I feel like I’ve invested a lot of energy into the friendship and i felt very disregarded and sort of thrown on the scrap heap to just be blocked without another word.

I completely understand why it was so draining and why you had enough, you did nothing wrong with him in terms of being a friend other that try and protect your own mental health which he was happy to destroy for the sake of his own well-being. I’ve been in a similar situation with a family member and it was awful. I get why you shared the texts now, I guess it would have been impossible to explain otherwise. It can honestly feel as if someone is actually sucking the life out of you and I had a similar huffy response when I tried to say I couldn’t take it anymore with a family member. I think whilst it’s easy to read texts like that, it can be horrifically draining to try and construct replies to them, i remember that family member being the same and the dread I felt, my chest was tight and I had horrible anxiety trying to deal with them. You done the right thing. Don’t feel guilty. Some people really enjoy feeling like that and don’t realise the toll it takes on the recipient of their feelings. X

Original poster
ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:55

@jays thank you, yeah sharing the text messages is probably a polarising thing. I just wanted to be as upfront as possible and I’m willing to be flamed and told i handled it awful, if that’s what the consensus is. Im trying to learn from this as it’s the end of one of my longest friendships.

Im sorry you experienced similar with a family member, it feels like I’m navigating horrible tricky terrain with just a friendship, a family member must be so much worse.

I think some context I’ve missed from my original post is that when these messages landed with me, it was after a day of constant texts from him and at the end of what has been a really awful week for me and I was barely holding it together at this point. If this had been last week I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid and would have just let him rant at me, but I was really at the end of my tether with everything at that point.

not his fault, he caught me at a bad time.

OP posts:
jays · 16/07/2023 01:12

ChaChaRealSmooth · 16/07/2023 00:55

@jays thank you, yeah sharing the text messages is probably a polarising thing. I just wanted to be as upfront as possible and I’m willing to be flamed and told i handled it awful, if that’s what the consensus is. Im trying to learn from this as it’s the end of one of my longest friendships.

Im sorry you experienced similar with a family member, it feels like I’m navigating horrible tricky terrain with just a friendship, a family member must be so much worse.

I think some context I’ve missed from my original post is that when these messages landed with me, it was after a day of constant texts from him and at the end of what has been a really awful week for me and I was barely holding it together at this point. If this had been last week I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid and would have just let him rant at me, but I was really at the end of my tether with everything at that point.

not his fault, he caught me at a bad time.

To be fair to you though, if he’d asked you any questions about how you were and how it was going he’d have known you were having a bad week. But he didn’t. I ended a friendship a couple of months ago, the first I’ve ever ended in my life and we’ve been friends for 34 years. I just couldn’t take the one sidedness of it all anymore. It can be just as bad and painful when it’s a friend. It was my aunt who was behaving like that and she was like that with my mum for years. My mum died and she started being like that with me instead as the replacement and it gave me such anxiety, it was awful. I know with my friend that there’s no point in trying to explain why it got so bad I had to cut her off, she would never understand, but there really are people who could be told this, I could be told that and really take it on board and change if I was treating a friend like that. It’s such a horrible feeling when you have to say enough is enough but what else could you do! They would literally suck the life out of you if you let them and I have friends who can come to me with the biggest problems and get I don’t feel drained by them at all and yet other friends who literally want to steal my energy, I mean, you can literally feel the people who are doing that and it’s awful and exhausting. It’s so upsetting having to watch a friendship end because you dared to have boundaries but it sounds like he’s just had a tantrum because you’ve accommodated him for so long and if he cared and had asked you questions he’d have known you were having a bad week. You really have been a great friend for long enough and I don’t judge you one bit for having had enough. It’s just really sad that he pushed it that far.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/07/2023 05:24

You don’t have to hold on to a friendship just because it’s been a long one.

Cakencookieobsessed · 16/07/2023 07:04

I don't think he's done anything too terrible. He's obviously been reaching out to people he thought were friends and not had much of a response, taken it personally and been frustrated. You were then too harsh.
I've been on both sides of it, been ignored by friends and been messaged lots by people when I'm busy. But usually if its someone I genuinely like and care about, I like to hear from them, no matter what's going on in my life. If you don't like him that much and want to end the friendship then I understand it better.

WalterWitty · 16/07/2023 07:41

OP I have a work colleague like this and I’m trying to slowly cut them out.

She’s an extremely negative, bitter and draining person, who adds literally nothing to my life but stress - people have just seen a snap shot of your messages there, so they don’t see the hours of coaching you have to do to try and appease people like this - years worth of “woe is my life” from someone who refuses to change anything to make their “woeful” lives better would drive even the kindest person to say enoughs enough!

Also, you know from experience with how he talks about others who have allegedly wronged him, that you will be rude one here. He doesn’t know you had an awful week as your friendship is all about him. Don’t stress it, there’s a reason you have other friends in your life and he doesn’t…

WhiteStripePipe · 16/07/2023 07:46

EarringsandLipstick · 16/07/2023 00:30

You're not wrong not to want to engage with his rants but sharing his exact messages here is horrible & your reply is brutal.

There's a midway point I think.

However his blocking of you indicates he is pretty immature.

If you only text & don't see each other, what's the point anyway. Just let it go.

Can’t see how the reply was brutal at all! I think op was firm and clear but also very kind and not harsh sounding at all