Low self-esteem/shame

[JaneyGee]

I am starting training tomorrow, which involves driving to another town and spending a few days with eight new people (eating lunch with them, etc). We had an hour zoom meet with the instructor last week, which was utterly horrible. For a start, I looked thin and old and ill compared to the others. And they all seemed so flippin confident. When we had to introduce ourselves, my heart was pounding and my voice came out super high-pitched. The others were so goddam relaxed – a big wave, a cheery "high guys" etc. No problem. Christ I'm so sick of this. I'm in my 40s now. I really thought by now I'd be over that kind of crippling social anxiety.

I think part of it is feeling behind my peers. For years I didn't work or have relationships because of mental health problems. So I've kind of fallen behind. The others were talking about "taking a year out to travel" and all that kind of thing. As so often in my life I felt like a freak on the sidelines, while normal, 'real' people discussed their normal, 'real' lives. The first meeting is tomorrow, and I'm dreading it, as I dread all social situations. Can anyone relate? At the core of all this is a deep, deep sense of shame.

So you have had mental health problems and have managed to get yourself to a place where you can work again??

You have nothing at all to be ashamed of! You should be bloody proud, that's impressive OP!

You go, hold your head high, and know that all your bloody hard work and determination has paid off!

I can relate, @JaneyGee. Shame is absolutely horrible.

It's an old chestnut, but it is true that the others won't even clock that you haven't had a year out or whatever. Their focus will be on themselves. I hope you manage to get through it without too much stress.

I find this quite helpful:

Hi I have been similar all my life. Due to an early bereavement I spent a lot of my life struggling to gain a decent career and feel good about myself. I now have a job helping others and have learnt to speak to myself with the kindest I would to a friend. Please be proud of yourself you’ve done so well. Maybe suss out if there’s one slightly quieter member of the group and latch on to them! Also maybe completely unrelated but I have also learnt a lot about female presentation of autism ….

One of the most confident people I know admitted to crippling anxiety the other day.

I've known him 20 years, and I'd always assumed he was one of those people who just sailed through life happily meeting people and getting on with things, never concerned that he might not be liked etc.

But no, he has sleepless nights every time he has to chair a meeting in work. He stopped coming to the pub for six months because someone took the piss out of his accent. He's constantly scared that people will realise he's not a normal human being.

It was a revelation, and I'm starting to realise that we're all this little bundle of neuroses and issues and pain, it's just that some of us are better at masking it.

You’d be really surprised how many of those people that seem confident are actually really anxious.

I had crippling anxiety for a while in a similar situation to you. I’d been out of work for a while with PTSD and getting back was just so hard and I felt like I couldn’t relate to a single person. I have some anxiety still with new people yet always get told how self-assured and confident I come across on first impression. I’m not and I’m also not remotely judging anybody that doesn’t come across that way. You may well be coming across a lot more confidently than you realise.

Just remember that their normal ‘real’ lives that they’re sharing with the group is only a snapshot of a personality that they’re trying to present, it may not be even remotely how they are in their real life, some people are better at presenting a happy go lucky carefree persona, when really they are probably a nervous wreck inside!

the best thing you can do in that situation if you’re uncomfortable talking about yourself is ask questions of other people and listen to what they have to say, some people LOVE to talk about themselves and it takes the pressure off you to ‘perform’!

Asking questions of others is great advice 🥰

I probably seem very confident in that type of setting op, but I have social anxiety and come home with all the horrible kick back that comes with it. “Why did I say that?” “Everyone must have thought I was an idiot.” Etc. it’s so common.
the best thing you can do is reason with yourself before/afterwards, as pp said everyone is focusing on themselves so really not that interested what you do.