Feeling doubtful about life and depressed with a friend near end of life

[Return2thebasic]

A friend of mine is in palliative care. She's stage 4 cancer which spread to multiple organs including bone. I had another thread asking for advice maybe only less than a month ago.

Since then, her condition deteriorated very quickly after the first chemotherapy. I don't know the details, as dared not to ask. But her care team instructed ambulance to take her in hospital since Wednesday. She's been there since and she said she's in palliative care now and the chemotherapy scheduled for today is cancelled. She's running fever since yesterday. I fear there's not much time left.

I have very mixed feelings. It happened way too quick and she's only 40 years old, alone. I don't know what I shall feel and what I want to feel. The initial shock has passed which had put me in a depressing mood for weeks, as I had hard time to comprehend life and her situation in general. It just didn't feel right.

On the other hand, I almost want to downplay this in my mind, as the temptation to interpret the meaning of life with everyone we care daily feels like a dangerous game. I could be doubting what the points about all these fuss about everyday life we care for or we fight for are. In the end, once someone closes their eyes last time, nothing would matter anymore. And it's so easy a life could just slip away. It's scary.

I had years of anxiety as a child fearing to lose a member of my family. I remembered I used to look out of window to pray they all come home safely. If anyone got home late, I'd be the most worried. Then, I lose my dad to cancer when I was 15. They didn't even tell me he was near the end and I was stupidly hooked by TV series instead of going to hospital to visit him more often. I didn't get to see him before he passed away. That was the biggest regret in my life.

Now, years passed by. I'm not anxious as when I was little. But I have two children of mine and I do constantly think how fragile lives could be. I would not have believed a young woman like my friend could just being deprived of life within a short span of 5 years (since her first diagnosis). Life is too fragile...

She also rejected her family stay around during this time. They respected her and flew back to home country. But things got so bad so quickly, I'm torn between to respect her boundary and to think for her poor mum. She lose her husband just 4 years ago, about the same time my friend went through her first round of chemo. It's just awful for the poor mum to endure this. And I'm not sure if she gets a chance to see my friend before she's gone, if she doesn't know she needs to come right away. But I can't. I can't step across the line to make decision for her. It's hers to make.

It makes me to think about those who are gone and those who stayed. How the former one feels we will never know, but for the latter, there needs to be a closure before moving on. And so many never heals.

Sorry for the rumbling. It's so heavy in my heart and I could barely find any joy in the past few weeks. It gives a tinted colour to everything. I felt hollow for quite a few days during the initial shock when the news broke. And I feel guilty to worry about any trivial things and feel embarrassed to be happy.

I know there are stronger people out there who have much optimistic view about life and anything, who might have been through lots of ups and downs but maintained a positive way of seeing life. --- It's probably the dumbest idea to ask for it here... But if you are one of them, would you mind to share your thoughts about how to see life and the fear of loss in a bigger picture? Would absolutely be grateful...

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I don’t quite know what to say. Do you think you should mention to your friend about calling her mum?
Life is both random and unfair. There’s nothing we can do about it, except accept it with grace.

@ThatshallotBaby Thanks for your kind words. I was probably just trying to unload a bit. I guess the process of going through the feeling and put them out by itself helps a bit. But thank you. I will try to find a path to calm down.

I'm going to see her this afternoon. I will try to ask her about her mum carefully. I can't comprehend why, but maybe she has her own valid reason. So even though I have been in touch with her family, but I would have to stick to respecting her decision.

It’s hard watching somebody get sicker and sicker, and to find the right words to say to them. All you can do is what you are already doing. You are enough @Return2thebasic. Just being there for her is enough. Speak to yourself kindly.

@ThatshallotBaby Thank you for your kind words and listening to me.

Having been widowed young I have concluded life is meaningless and often randomly cruel. At first I found this realisation profoundly dark, but as time went on and I sat with it, it's come with a kind of freedom (although I sometimes feel myself edging towards nihilism). It hasn't led me to become an uncaring person, if anything the opposite, nothing matters so you might as well help the person in front of you who is struggling. I understand your feelings, they will evolve in time.

@BreakfastGold You have a kind heart. It didn't break you, and you are not helping others to feel good about yourself - simply because you care and that's what makes who you are...

Thank you. This does make me think to review and readjust again about purpose of life...

I'm thinking another friend of mine, having lost her husband and soulmate in the most unexpected way right before they planned to start a family. It hit her really hard and she struggled for quite some time. As young, wealthy and pretty as her, life seemed so cruel and hopeless. But she seemed have come through it in the end. I wish she could find happiness eventually and stay happy. Hope you do too. Either peace or joy that you seek for, let them be with you, @BreakfastGold Wish you find the meaning of life again and can finally whole heartedly enjoy it. ❤

My son died aged 18 after an horrendous 2 and a half year battle with brain cancer. This was nearly 9 and half years ago. I was angry then and still am angry all these years later, along with all the other feelings of grief, trauma, sadness.

I questioned life then and still do all these years later. I've come to the conclusion that life is just not fair. Terrible things happen to people who don't deserve them.

I had to stay in this world for my other son and the rest of my family. I have had to be strong for them.

Over the years the full on blinding rage and grief have had their rough edges rubbed off. I am able to live along side them. I have learnt that beauty can still live alongside such trauma. I live and laugh and love alongside the grief and unfairness.

There are sometimes no reasons why these things happen. Why they happen to good ordinary people. No answers.

We simply have to keep on keeping on. I find pleasure in smaller things. I try and find ways to help my other son to enjoy the life he is entitled to.

It's hard. Time is the only thing that makes living with this type of trauma easier. You don't move on. You move with it.

I still rage, I still cry, I miss my son. I miss my life, our lives we should be living.

But I live. And laugh. And love. And try to honour my son in all that I do. Sometimes I'm strong, most of the time I'm exhausted.

@minmooch I'm really touched reading your words. No parent can ever move on from the loss of their children. We are supposed to see them growing up, building a career, having a family of their own and living a fulfilled life, whilst we age till old enough before someday closing our eyes at last to reach the peaceful eternity.

But as you said, there are so many things not in our control. We can scream to blame life being cruel and unfair, but there's no path to reverse what's already happened. It's hard to accept and it's hard to find peace and it's hard to find faith to live again. I can feel the pain with my friend's slipping away, but I cannot imagine the pain you've gone through in all these years.

To live for your other son gave you the purpose, even though it's never the same again. But eventually, you learned to live again, to laugh and to love and to find little joys here and there. I am sure if there's any chance, people who left could still see us, he would be tremendously proud of you and would want you to find strength again, because he knew you can and because he loved you.

I wish I could know better why we came to this world and what kind of life we should live to deserve being here. It's so easy to lose in daily envy and pursuit. But at some point in life, we look into the mirror, asking ourselves who we are and what made us who we are and what else we want to be. The cycle would repeat again and again until we reach the end of the road ourselves. There we greet our eternity with the final version of ourselves. I hope, at that point of time, we don't have too much regret left in that final version of ourselves. Because life is full of possibilities, not only the sad ones, also the joyful ones and those worth celebrating.

Do your best, @minmooch , try to live a life fulfilled with the love present around you along with the heartwarming sun ray coming from above. An angel is looking at you, smiling with love. Always try to be a better you, in whichever way.

Just ended a call with my friend. She's not doing well.

Been taken to a&e a week and a half ago and since has stayed at impatient. She said she felt like a normal person two weeks ago, still doing gardening. It went downhill so quickly.

Doctor has said nothing more can be done. Right now just suppress the pain when a fever going up and down...

I saw her Monday. She still had the humour, but very weak. I could barely hear her voice.

I'm ashamed to say that I was too occupied with my two children - end of the term, and the visit time was restricted to afternoon, so I couldn't go more often due to school/nursery runs.

Five days on, she's not replied my message for two days. we are going away for two weeks tomorrow. I finally got some spare brain just now to call her.

It sounds just days left honestly... She finally communicated with her family to let them fly back. It deteriorated so quickly, nobody thought they would have to flied back after only flied home three weeks ago.

I really didn't know what to say on the phone. I can't say what we all know, I can't tell her she'd be missed and she's a wonderful and kind person who had brought lovely memories to others. I can't tell her that I may not see her again when we are back in two weeks time. I can't tell her I feel really sorry for her to have to depart from this world so abruptly and under so much distress and discomfort.

I can't believe she can't walk out of the hospital again to see the sky and to say goodbye to her little allotment. All the stories she left behind and all the people she cared for...

I felt ashamed that I couldn't do more and couldn't say more. I wanted to say to her , fight harder, wait for me to see her last time when I come back. But I can't. I didn't feel right to hang up the phy, but with all the things I'm allowed to say, not much left and not much makes any difference.

I feel bad that Monday when I went to see her, she said the juice in hospital tasted not great. I didn't just go downstairs to buy some from the shop (I was in a rush to use the little visit time I had before I had to run for school run. I also thought she couldn't eat or drink normally, so I didn't bring any fruits or juice.)

I did so little for her and in the end, on the phone I was so clumsy to say anything that could comfort her or brighten up her mood slightly.

I felt so wrong to say goodbye in such a fashion, as if we could still see each other again. But we both know, that was the last conversation between us and there wouldn't be anymore. And last Monday, it marked the last day I saw her alive in this world...

Sorry to anyone who bothers to read this post. I feel I need to unload it in writing, as it's too heavy to carry this alone.