Explaining that something is rude to a child with ASD

[AutisticLegoLover]

I often fall foul of social norms even though I'm in my 40s and really struggle to explain to my 14 year old why something is considered rude. My son's friend is on the ASD pathway to be assessed and is often very rude in general conversation for example grabbing a personal possession and angrily saying it's a waste of money or saying a work laptop is a waste of money and unnecessary and costs a lot of money. My daughter says things that are impolite and would perhaps be classed as thoughtless such as saying colours don't match when they are half a shade different or that someone's clothes are interesting when she doesn't like them and it's obvious from her face she doesn't. I'm finding it hard to get it right myself, teach my daughter how to be more socially aware but be honest and herself and teach my son not to take offence at his friend's rudeness about his much loved items or a vital piece of household equipment and to be tolerant of his opinions. The lad is only 6 and sadly his mum thinks autism is akin to being a leper so it's tricky all round. How can I manage these situations?

Anyone?

Personally, we go with a blanket rule of not making personal comments about others and their clothes/interests/property etc. A similar rule would work for much of your post.

Yes, very true and one I tend to use about appearance so I could extend it to everything for my two children. I'm
Not sure how to handle the friend though. It's not my place to tell him he's being rude but I worry my son will tell him straight that he's being rude or mean and then all hell will break loose. I've tried to explain that Sammy (not his real name) doesn't understand things in the same way and doesn't mean to be rude and sees things very literally. At the same time my child will be very black and white and just see rudeness. I've started to avoid them having social contact because I can see it's going to end in a massive meltdown.

If your friend’s DS makes such comments towards your DC in front of you I think it is acceptable to say “Sammy, we don’t make personal comments about people’s clothes/interests/possessions…”.

I'd love to say that but I don't think it would go down well with his mum. She never pulls him up on his behaviour or tells him that something isn't ok. She just apologises to me later and makes an excuse for it such as he's tired/end of term/didn't want to do something earlier in the day. I often wonder how school copes with the children when things happen like this. I'm sure they don't ignore it though. I think part of the problem is the idea that autism is something to be ashamed of. I find that offensive. I have another friend who diagnoses everyone who acts in a rude way as on the spectrum and it's winding me up. I hate the negative attitudes. It's hard enough being autistic without people whispering the word as though it's something shameful or equating rude behaviour with autism. I think I need new friends.

I think my worry here is that my son will very bluntly call out the rudeness and sammy will have a meltdown and my son and I will be blamed and called rude ourselves. It's finding a balance.

In that case, distancing yourself is probably the easiest thing to do.

I think you are right. The summer holidays will provide a break and my son moves to the upper part of the school next year so they won't mix as much.

Personally it took me a long time to understand this kind of thing. I understand the importance of honesty so as a child I ALWAYS told the truth. You’d think this is good but I didn’t understand tact or white lies to spare feelings.
For example if I had a dinner I didn’t like at a school friends, the parent would ask if I liked the food. I would be honest and say “no but thank you anyway”. To me, I was telling the truth so was doing the right thing. The nuance of tactfully saying “Yes thank you, but I’m not very hungry” meant I would be lying. I’d then be confused by being told off for being rude by my mum when she found out what I’d said. So confusing.
TBH I think this is why ND kids have so many problems, because we live in society where we are polite instead of truthful. If you don’t like food/what someone is wearing/where you are, why is it better to be polite and lie than to tell the truth?

Mine have been brought up to be honest but considerate of the feelings of others. At home the gloves tend to be off but in public or with friends they are more aware of upsetting people. Your example highlights the difficulty very well. There's a difference though between saying you don't like something but thank you and saying it's horrible/waste of money/looks rubbish or similar and that's hard to explain to a younger child.

As a fifty year old woman I understand it now. It’s been hard to do though. I suppose understanding has moved on somewhat.

I think the problem for me is that I am not offended if someone doesn’t like what I cook or what I wear. We all have personal tastes and preferences so I don’t get offended if some says I didn’t like that meal. It’s different to saying that my cooking is terrible. I find it difficult to put myself in others position so don’t understand why someone’s feelings get hurt if that makes sense. I try to be considerate but we all have different levels of what we find rude.