Can you grieve a child you never had?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

We have an amazing child who we love dearly but due to several issues, it doesn't look like we'll ever have a second.
The thing is, DH had been unsure on a second child at first, then the pandemic hit and he lost his job so we weren't in a position for a second child.
We've been trying for the last couple of years now and had no success. We are early/mid 30s but due to health issues, it seems less and less likely it would ever happen and we've made the difficult decision to stop trying.

I am devastated. I know it's the right choice but it hurts so much. Even though the baby never existed, I feel like I'm grieving. We had names picked out, we had all the furniture in storage from DS1, we had a plan for the nursery, we had figured out childcare etc.

I posted recently about a family get together and an aunt's questioning about a second child and since then, I've been thinking more and more about the baby we won't have. It just feels so final.

How do you grieve a child you never had?

You just need to accept you are grieving the future you'd envisaged and 2nd child was part of the picture. It's a big step at hour age accepting that. Maybe try to do some new things with your DC and make some little changes that will help you move forward.

I don’t think you can grieve somebody that never existed, although you can of course be upset you never had that second baby. But not ‘grieving’. I feel that is a state reserved for people who have lost somebody they knew and loved, which must feel completely different and much worse. I hope you manage to make peace with it.

Yes of course. DS1 is disabled because of negligence and I grieve for the boy he would have been. It's very hard but finding peace with the reality does come most of the time but it's not easy.

You can grieve anything you've psyched yourself up for in your head that it turns out isn't going to happen. It's not the child you're grieving. It's an idea. A dream, perhaps.

And it's always sad to give up on dreams.
But sometimes we have to let them go so that other dreams can take their place.

You'll now have extra time and money you can spend on your real family. You can take an adventure holiday together. Or pay for your child's uni so they can become a doctor.

It's OK to be sad. Just don't allow wallowing to stop you from looking for new dreams.

This is really why I've asked.
It feels wrong to say I'm grieving, but I can't really explain the feeling any other way.

Would fertility treatments not be an option for you?
But yeah, you can grieve the idea of a second child that is not meant to be. You are grieving a dream, not a person.

We are in the exact same position.
I decided to concentrate on the family i have instead of the family I may have had.
I loosened the purse strings ( after years of ibf saving) book a big holiday.
I am starting to give away the baby things kept in the attic.
I applied for a better job after years of sticking at my mind numbing boring but family friendly hours job.
We have started a new sport as a family of 3 .
Don't get me wrong it is hard you just have to put one foot in front of another and keep moving

Of course
Secondary infertility is hardly ever spoken about and financial / circumstantial only child situation is painful

It absolutely is grief. I likely won’t ever have any children. My 4th ivf cycle has just failed in the last few weeks and we are having to make some really hard decisions now. Grief is the only thing I can compare it to. I’m grieving the children I may never meet, who will never call me mum. It’s hard to explain to people who have never had this problem just how upsetting it is.

I think I must be a few steps behind you. We've both made the decision to stop, but I haven't found the strength to start giving things away/selling them. I can't yet bring myself to think of a different use for the spare room.

So sorry you're going through this as well.

I howled like a baby when DH has the vasectomy we both agreed he should get after having our two! I was just grieving that stage of life being over I think.

It's fine. Grieve away. Do whatever you need to. Don't add to your sadness by deciding you shouldn't feel sad.

Thank you all.

I felt like I was going slightly mad being so sad.

I've still got loads of ovulation sticks and fertility trackers on my phone etc. Again, I just don't want to get rid of them but it also hurts when I see them. I might ask DH to sneak the ovulation sticks away one day when he sorts out the bathroom. I wonder how long I'll feel that pang of sadness when my period comes...