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Original poster

DS in a relationship an older man

17 replies

JulyDays · 11/07/2023 23:29

I posted on Friday in AIBU but I'm hoping for more replies here

This was my OP from Friday:

I don’t know where to turn so I’m posting here.

DS turned 18 about 2 weeks ago, he came out as gay at 15/16 which isn’t an issue and I've always told him that.

A couple of months ago, he told me he was in a relationship and at first he was very reluctant to introduce him to me and when I met him I realised why. This boyfriend is 12/13 years older than him. I also found out they met on a dating app which DS was also underage for at the time with him being only 17.

I've told him I'm concerned which he hasn't listened to, I tried to speak to him again this evening and he called me homophobic and has gone to this mans house, and has sent me a text telling me to leave him alone

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDays · 11/07/2023 23:29

Today's update:

I do think this man is grooming DS, it was just me and him whilst he was growing up, his dad and he never had things his friends had like holidays etc and we still do struggle for money especially with the cost of living. However, this man works and apparently works a high paying job and took DS on a weekend away as a birthday present despite them not being together very long.

After my post I didn't hear from DS over the weekend, I messaged him yesterday and he told me not to message him. This evening, he came back home and he's got a tattoo of this mans first initial, it is small but I'm so disappointed and when I told him that especially as they've not been together for long, it led to more shouting from him and he pushed me. Yes, he is 18 but he's very immature.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 11/07/2023 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gilead · 11/07/2023 23:41

The best thing you can do is back off. It’s hard and feels counter intuitive but at the moment you’re pushing him toward this man. Just text him, apologise for your behaviour, tell him you love him and that no matter what, you will always be there for him. Then wait for a reply. No harassment. If no reply, just send a ‘just checking in, hope all is well text’ every couple of days.
This means when things go wrong he will feel that he can come home and talk without anyone saying I told you so.
Good luck and be gentle.
💐

MajesticWhine · 11/07/2023 23:42

I think you will just push him away if you take issue with it. He might not come home at all next time.

Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 08:41

He may be immature but he is 18 and has to make his own lifestyle choices, good and bad.

Your son is a new plaything for the older, wealthier guy and your son is enjoying being spoilt by him. It won't last. These relationships always end in high drama so bite your tongue for the moment.

Original poster
JulyDays · 12/07/2023 10:10

I know it isn't likely to last but I'm concerned about the tattoo and in case the relationship does last.

OP posts:
HaddawayAndShite · 12/07/2023 10:33

I’d be more concerned about your son pushing you than a tiny tattoo. Has he been physically abusive before?

As others have said the disapproval will make this worse. Try to avoid having an opinion on the relationship, explain you are only concerned for him but will always be there. He’s 18, as much as he is still your child he is an adult and needs to make mistakes to learn from them.

FunkyMonks · 12/07/2023 10:38

Op easier said than done my parents had to go through the same with me when I was also 18 had a boyfriend that was few years older than me 3 years older but he was an arsehole my parents could see that.
My Dad wanted to say something but my mum told him not too as it would only further push me towards this boyfriend I'm glad they didn't it worked out I came to my own senses realised how young and naive I had been and that this person was a complete shit so as hard as it will be all you can do is be there for your DS when it does go wrong don't push him away he will eventually see for himself but right now first relationship very young as well at that age you are so self absorbed you don't realise what others are trying to tell you.

SarahAndQuack · 12/07/2023 10:49

I would also be worried about an 18-year-old dating someone considerably older (and being on a dating app underage, though that's done now). And it's really worrying that he pushed you.

I think there are two separable parts to this. First: he pushed you. Clearly, emotions were running high on both sides and you can admit that to him, but physically pushing you is unacceptable (I am assuming you have a relationship where physical violence is unacceptable!). Purely in terms of him acting decently, he ought to apologise and assure you he won't ever do that again. You need to get back to a calm mother-son relationship and build the sort of adult interactions that will make you both feel better about yourselves.

Second: you don't approve of his boyfriend. He's an adult (even if a very young one) and it seems to me the best thing to do is be totally honest but not judge him. You do worry about the age gap. But that's your job as a mother, to worry. Mums worry about their adult kids. You are there for him.

I don't know if setting it out like that helps in terms of talking to him?

AutumnDragon · 12/07/2023 11:21

Just because he's older it doesn't mean he is abusive. I'm 10 years further down the line than you and I've had to learn to keep quiet with DS. Personally, I have noticed the younger men are more abusive (and pushing him into drugs etc), the older ones were quite nice, a lot of it isn't about sex either, they just like the kudos of a younger man.

I don't know if it's just round here, but none of the gay relationships seem to last long, so hopefully it will blow over soon.

I have higher hopes of DS's current one though, they are similar in age and similar characters.

I have no issues with DS's sexuality but I do have to say I hate the gay scene, but DS says that's just a local issue and in other places it's not as bad.

lysozyme · 13/07/2023 09:38

I don't know if it's just round here, but none of the gay relationships seem to last long, so hopefully it will blow over soon.

WTF

Pkhsvd · 13/07/2023 09:44

I’d be worried too but expressing your concern has not gone well so I’d take a different tactic and say to him that if he’s happy then you’re happy and you just want to be part of his life and meet the man when he’s ready. Privately you can think what you want but you don’t want your DS not to be able to come to you if it all falls apart.

x2boys · 13/07/2023 11:23

He s an adult so.I don't think there's much you can do.other than be supportive ,i.do understand your concerns though

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/07/2023 11:31

AutumnDragon · 12/07/2023 11:21

Just because he's older it doesn't mean he is abusive. I'm 10 years further down the line than you and I've had to learn to keep quiet with DS. Personally, I have noticed the younger men are more abusive (and pushing him into drugs etc), the older ones were quite nice, a lot of it isn't about sex either, they just like the kudos of a younger man.

I don't know if it's just round here, but none of the gay relationships seem to last long, so hopefully it will blow over soon.

I have higher hopes of DS's current one though, they are similar in age and similar characters.

I have no issues with DS's sexuality but I do have to say I hate the gay scene, but DS says that's just a local issue and in other places it's not as bad.

Depressing attitude which suggests you know or understand much about gay relationships..

skypink · 13/07/2023 11:39

AutumnDragon · 12/07/2023 11:21

Just because he's older it doesn't mean he is abusive. I'm 10 years further down the line than you and I've had to learn to keep quiet with DS. Personally, I have noticed the younger men are more abusive (and pushing him into drugs etc), the older ones were quite nice, a lot of it isn't about sex either, they just like the kudos of a younger man.

I don't know if it's just round here, but none of the gay relationships seem to last long, so hopefully it will blow over soon.

I have higher hopes of DS's current one though, they are similar in age and similar characters.

I have no issues with DS's sexuality but I do have to say I hate the gay scene, but DS says that's just a local issue and in other places it's not as bad.

Erm, wtf?

Many bizarre things to unpack from this comment.

What business goes a 30+ year old have with a 17 year old?

It's shit, OP and I agree it's dodgy. Unfortunately I agree with other posters that now he's 18, you'll just have to bite your tongue or it will push him away further.

Has he been physically abusive before?

isthesolution · 13/07/2023 13:43

I wouldn't like it either but I really think you are better to back off and try to not let your son know you disapprove.

Invite partner to the house for tea - make them realise you accept the relationship but that you are very much a part of your sons life.

Try and stay as close as you can to your son and don't let him know you disapprove! It's hard but 'oh wow a tattoo - cool I really like the idea of getting one too' will put him off getting another sooooo much more than 'that's a terrible idea. Why would you do that'

Crazykefir · 13/07/2023 13:47

Bear with him op. ❤️

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