So frustrated with how my toddler plays and I feel guilty

[Jenandberri]

My 2 year old is so intense with play and I’m just lost as to what to do
She cannot play independently, gets very distressed if I’m not very close to her and she will move my hands to do what she wants in the game and will tell me what to say , if I try to join in and be ‘myself’ she has a total meltdown . If she wants me to say something she will tap my mouth and say what she wants me to say and if I done she screams and cries .

In any game with toys she will hold a toy and tap its mouth to tell me what I need to make it say for the game. She will then do her part with her toy and carry on so that essentially she’s controlling all the ‘game’ or scenario etc. if she wants me to pick up or move a certain toy then she will put my hand on it.

I know it sounds selfish but this is from 530 am each day as she wakes early and I need to have a coffee and wake up but she can’t play independently and will have a meltdown if I don’t ‘join in ‘ immediately.

Just after her 2nd birthday she was diagnosed with autism so I know this is possibly linked but it’s getting more intense. She cannot play with other children as obviously they won’t do what she wants and she can’t tolerate anyone touching any toys she is playing with etc

Has anyone had experience with this and how can I help her to play in a way that is better for everyone ?

Oh gosh Op that sounds exhausting.

I think given the autism - you might need specialist advice here. ( I have an autistic child although she isn't quite like this)

I presume if she recieved a diagnosis so young her autism is quite pronounced at this point?

What happens if you absolutely calmly refuse - say 'mummy busy now making breakfast' - could you just try to work up to longer slots of this? Set yourself targets of 15 minutes where you are not engaging but visible to her and just busy on tasks.

Presumably she would get upset/ have meltdowwns? But if it is in small bursts she may learn she is having to play on her own?

The goal would be that she learns to enjoy controlling her own play by playing alone.

Maybe give sensory stuff like play dough or kinetic sand a try?

I tried but she eats it so I have to still supervise and then stop her eating (same with paints and crayons too) that it’s exhausting. We have a nursery place for her soon so I’m hoping that will help but I feel guilty as actually mostly I just think at least it’ll be a few hours of someone else having to do what I do and then I feel so guilty

I kinda hate to suggest it but I'd try small amounts of TV or tablet time - 15 mins a couple of times a day isn't going to hurt and it will give you a break!

I'm sure there's recipes for edible play dough too, so even if she did eat it, it would do no harm.

https://rainydaymum.co.uk/how-to-make-edible-playdough/

i will give it a try, with the tv she’s not interested at all but maybe a tablet might be better

Thank you I’ll give that a try !

Hope it helps you! There's a lot if fun stuff on that website - i used it a lot when mine were tiny!

Also stuff like giving them a dish with a bit of water it it and cups/spoons/floaty things. It's not too bad to clean up either, especially if you chuck a towel down first!

A ball pit was another firm fave (bought the balls cheaply on Facebook marketplace)

My advice if autism wasn't involved would be to set out boundaries so you play with her but not constantly. So you could say we'll play together for ten minutes then I'm going to sit on the chair, or use an egg timer/stopwatch for her to play or you to play together. Anything that sets out parcels of time, basically.

If edible playdough is good, there are more variations - playing with pasta (dried or cooked, eating the odd bit of dried won't hurt) or cheapo noodles.

Do you get out into green spaces or garden much? If DC are making me feel claustrophobic it always helps!

A daily schedule with a bit of screen time might help too - you more than her, you know when you can look forward to a bit of a break.

Have you thought of making a sensory room/space - could be as simple as a disco light and a few cushions. Might also give a bit of respite.

You say she's two, but two and how many months?

I've got a guest living with me, when she arrived her daughter had just turned two and was completely exhausting, she's three next month and is so much 'better'.

My mantra was 'this too shall pass'.

Playpen so that you can do what you have to do and if she has a meltdown she is safe and secure.

As the parent of an autistic child, I read half your post and thought “autism”, told myself off for seeing it everywhere and then read the rest and realised it was!

I think the poster suggesting a tablet is onto a good thing. You’ll need to be very firm with timings or it could escalate- try something like it ending with a meal - so give it to her in the run-up to lunch, then you can say “no iPads after lunch”, or whatever. Something like CBeebies island would work well.

Remember you are not a bad mum. You are parenting on a whole other level. I’ve got one autistic child, and one neurotypical one, and I’m here to tell you that parenting an NT child is a piece of piss by comparison. I honestly couldn’t believe it. And I get told the NT one is a handful! Go easy on yourself.

Just as the parenting is different, so are the solutions. You need to rest to be the best version of yourself. The outside world will be stressful and confusing for her, and home will be her haven. You will be best able to provide that for her if you’re not on the bones of your arse. I can recommend “nurturing your autistic young person” (a bit early but tells you were you’re going, and looking into low-demand parenting.

Yes I think the autism makes things more difficult (obviously). DD1 is NT but was sometimes a bit like this with play (wanted me to say and do certain things and if I got it wrong, she would be annoyed), but when that happened I just said that I didn't want to play with her and would stop, so now she's much more accepting of the fact play is a two-way social engagement.

But your DD is probably going to struggle with the social give and take of play a lot - for her it's likely not a social thing but that you are a 'part' of her scenario and have a specific role that she expects, and when you don't fulfil that role she doesn't know how to handle it.

Good suggestions about trying to find things that engage her solo, or even for side by side play (so you can both sit and do playdoh separately at same table).

Can you introduce a larger range of toys? For example instruments, drawing (magnetic/digital), fidget toys, sensory area-lights, textures etc.