Child struggling with parents separation

[Emily920]

Hi All,

seem to be a regular here at the moment. I have a 5 year old daughter and I split up with her dad about 18 months ago. At first, she really struggled with the separation and suddenly started asking for her dad even though she’s never really been bothered about him prior to us separating. She then quickly adjusted and got used to having 2 homes and regular, consistent contact with him and seemed happy. I then met someone 7 months ago and he met my daughter about 2 months ago. Since then, my daughter has been struggling with the idea of me and her dad not being together again. Saying things like “I wish my dad lived here” or “I want to live with both you and my daddy”.

she has also recently started telling me she wants to stay with her dad forever and always asks to go to his even on the days she’s with me. It’s breaking my heart because I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t know what to do.

had anyone experienced this? Is it just a phase? What can I do?

Her meeting your new partner is way too soon. She has only just got use to her dad not being there and the idea that you two aren't together and suddenly some other man is there

Way way too soon why in earth did she have to meet your boyfriend?

Stop pull back an ensure her life is predictable and consistent. Then she can trust her new norm is her norm.

First of all, my new partner is not just a short fling. I can tell the difference between something that is going to last and something that isn’t. We went 5 months seeing each other every other weekend and it got frustrating so I gradually introduced them and she got on with him like a house in fire. I don’t think her meeting him has been the problem and I certainly believe she had adjusted well and truly before I introduced them. for 5 years she has NEVER wanted to go to her dads house, I used to have to leave her screaming and kicking saying she wanted to come with me every single time. I would never be able to FaceTime because it would cause too much upset.

I had a conversation with her Nan (dads mum) a few weeks ago and she asked me if she could have my daughter for 3 weeks in the holidays at her house which is an hour and half away and I said no. I said no because firstly, it’s crazy she would even think I’d say yes but secondly, I said to her it would be a different story if she actually wanted to come there. Ever since that conversation, my daughter has changed. She now wants to go there all the time. On a random Tuesday afternoon when her dad picked her up from school he brought her back with £175.00 worth of toys he had just brought her in Smyth’s. They have no routine there and I’m convinced they are buying her so that they can have her more often and I’ll be ok with it.

i am convinced this has nothing to do with my new partner, I have sat her down and asked her directly if it’s anything to do with him and she says no.

Her getting on with your bf is nothing to do with her complicated feelings and fears.

It is a well researched about introducing bfs in particular the primary home. It is something I went reading about two years before I introduced my partner.

We waited two years because I am sorry but nobody has a clue at Twenty weeks into a relationship if it will last!

She needs consistent predictable life she doesn't need to have the fear of losing another person from her little world.

Please don't ask a 5 year old about a situation she has no control over. She isn't going to join up the confusion with the cause , adults often don't have the ability to understand displacement complex feelings.