How to stand up for myself

[Happytobeeme]

Looking for practical advice please. I started a new job a couple of months ago, where I work with two ladies. I’ll call them Lady 1 and Lady 2. Lady 1 is friendly and chatty and happy to share her knowledge. Lady 2 on the other hand was rude from the start. I cover her job lunchtime so I have to talk with her and give updates etc, I find this very distressing as she makes me feel very small and stupid. I am well capable of doing this role, which I think definitely doesn’t help the situation. She shouts my name and orders me to get the door or phone, or something for a customer or work colleague- a number of colleagues have notice this which makes me feel bad, I don’t want to be seen as a walkover. By nature I am quite introverted and not overly confident and I also hate confrontation, it makes me extremely anxious. So I suppose what I’m looking for is some help in how to deal with this situation. I’ve spoken with friends and they have said just say don’t speak to me like that or say please etc. Being honest I don’t think I can be so direct with her, she has a very overpowering personality with me. I am also trying to put my best foot forward in a new job so don’t want her to go to our manager if I do stand up for myself. Thanks for reading.

[Nicetiesandwhatnot]

Approach the manager and mention that this feels insulting and rude.

Then tell the lady the same thing. It's a job share and it's unprofessional. I can understand how hard it is for you op but bite the bullet and speak up for yourself.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Have you a line manager you can discuss the issue with? Ask other team members who've noticed what they make of it?

Ultimately whilst in practice it's not always easy I have to say I agree with your friend and would say something along the lines of " Lady 2, I'm sure it isn't intentional but I find the way you allocate a task can on occasion be quite abrupt - eg 'an example ' - I find it uncomfortable. Is there an issue between us that I need to know about? I would really like to feel like I'm getting on with everyone in the team and that I'm doing what I can to fit in here.

If she isn't prepared to discuss it on a mature an open level I would point out that others have noticed too and just politely request that going forward she not shout your name in the way she's been doing and that you hope in time that you will both fall into a rhythm that works.

Realistically if she doesn't like you and it's on purpose OP, she isn't likely to stop regardless, unfortunately. Some people are just like that. It's not your fault.

[Summer2424]

Hi @Happytobeeme i have been in this situation a few times in my 29 years of working. I am very hard working, confident at home but for some reason at work i can't be so direct and say anything if something is bothering me or if someone is being nasty to me.
The way i've managed to deal with the situation is be reeeeally nice to the person, omg they hate it! Loads of thank you's, smiley faces on emails.
Give it go if you want to. Hope things get sorted for you xx

[Happytobeeme]

@Summer2424

Hi @Happytobeeme i have been in this situation a few times in my 29 years of working. I am very hard working, confident at home but for some reason at work i can't be so direct and say anything if something is bothering me or if someone is being nasty to me.
The way i've managed to deal with the situation is be reeeeally nice to the person, omg they hate it! Loads of thank you's, smiley faces on emails.
Give it go if you want to. Hope things get sorted for you xx

I have tried this but it didn’t make any difference at all. I complemented her on her work etc but never responded.

[Happytobeeme]

@dontgobaconmyheart

Have you a line manager you can discuss the issue with? Ask other team members who've noticed what they make of it?

Ultimately whilst in practice it's not always easy I have to say I agree with your friend and would say something along the lines of " Lady 2, I'm sure it isn't intentional but I find the way you allocate a task can on occasion be quite abrupt - eg 'an example ' - I find it uncomfortable. Is there an issue between us that I need to know about? I would really like to feel like I'm getting on with everyone in the team and that I'm doing what I can to fit in here.

If she isn't prepared to discuss it on a mature an open level I would point out that others have noticed too and just politely request that going forward she not shout your name in the way she's been doing and that you hope in time that you will both fall into a rhythm that works.

Realistically if she doesn't like you and it's on purpose OP, she isn't likely to stop regardless, unfortunately. Some people are just like that. It's not your fault.

I just don’t know how to phase my response. If she shout ‘ Hey Mary get the door ‘ how should I respond. I normally just say yes sure!
I want to be seen I’m doing the best I can and helping out…… I’ve no problem helping other team members if they are busy and ask politely, like I would ask them. I did say I couldn’t help her one time as I was doing something else and she stormed off.

[Happytobeeme]

Thanks for the reply

[AliceOlive]

Has she been there a long time? Does she treat others this way.

[Happytobeeme]

Yes, years. Yes her manner with others can be very abrupt.

[ssd]

She sounds horrible

[HappyMe6]

Please do not shout orders at me, I know I have to get the door answer the phone. I wouldn’t be complimenting her on her work , Nah no way! I would smile sweetly and everytime she barks orders I would repeat it!

[AliceOlive]

I think I would just stand completely still and stare at her, saying nothing.

The problem is, her behavior is tolerated by those in power there. Eventually, you’ll need to just move on. You can’t fix it.

[something2say]

You have to find a phrase that works for you. And prepare some aftercare.

It may upset you so much some day that a phrase just jumps out of your mouth - 'Did you mean to be so rude??' - then get up and do what's needed.

I am a bit like you, not confrontational, and a lady at my workplace just kept kissing her teeth and speaking down to me - I got sick of it and started making comments - I was not due to work with her due to a mixup one day and I said quite openly, 'oh that works MUCH better for me, then I don't have to work with Janine' - right in front of her and everyone else - it just came out because she pissed me off so much - everyone stared, but I got my head down and got back to work and let it pass. It made her stop saying rude things to me. She needed the push back, for some reason.

She thinks she can say these things to you and you'll do nothing - it may cost you in heart rate increase BUT you do it anyway. I promise.

Always keep one hand mitt-free so you can toss shit back if you need to.

[KStockHERO]

I'm confident and not afraid of confrontation at work so this mightn't work for you. What I'd do is:

First, email your line manager to state that you're fed up with her barking instructions across the office at you. Tell your manager that its unprofessional, it undermines you, it creates a challenging working relationship and it disrupts everyone else in the office. Tell your manager that, as per respect at work policies (or whatever you have), you won't be responding to instructions being bawled across the office. Rather, you're happy to take instruction its delivered courteously, professionally and respectfully. Ask your line manager to relay this to her (and everyone).

You haven't said whether you have a line manager. If not, email this to her directly.

Secondly, then just ignore her if/when she shouts your name across the office. Just resolutely ignore her. If the phone's ringing, just ignore it. If the door needs answering, just ignore it. If someone intervenes (like another employee says "Lady 2's calling you") or Lady 2 herself comments (like comes over and says "I was talking to you"), reply with what I've suggested above - that you don't respond to instructions bawled across the office like you're a misbehaving toddler.

Thirdly, I mean just ad infinitum. Keep doing it. Don't back down. Keep all interactions with her professional and respectful. Don't make small-talk. Don't compliment her. Just stick to the job and speak professionally.

[Happytobeeme]

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciated. Like I said it’s a new job, only there around 7 or 8 weeks and it’s quite a big office that’s always busy…….but I really need to try speak.