I need unbiased opinions - do I send my dc to their dad for 2 weeks or not

[Notsurewhattodoforthebesthere]

I'm really not a fan of my ex, but I really do try and put my kids best interests first and I facilitate a relationship (on his terms generally).

He's asked for them for 2 weeks this (shockingly) and I agreed.

However I'm having second thoughts. If I tell you the issues I have, can you please tell me honestly if I'm right to be concerned and possibly block the 2 weeks, or if its just my hatred of the man that's blinding me.

Kids are 5 and 7.

They see him for 2 nights a fortnight, he refuses any more contact at all.

They often come back reeking of smoke, I've tried to talk to him about this several times and he ignores it. Ds is asthmatic.

They occasionally take back water bottles or toys from their dads house. The last couple of times this happened the teddy that dd took back was mouldy, and the water bottle she took back (and was drinking out of) was mouldy. I messaged him and said I was throwing them away and sent photos - nothing back.

Ds has a phone (I got it to facilitate contact for his dad through the week, not that my ex bothers) and he has video chatted me a few times on the weekends at his dad's. The first time I could see the house is a mess but just thought it was an off day and didn't really think much of it, however it wasn't just an off day.

The house is filthy - no carpets, blankets over the windows, mouldy cups laid about, literal rubbish all over the filthy floor, mould on the wall, it's an actual hovel, I have fairly low standards, but it's truly disgusting.

I have offered to forego child support (which he pays monthly) for a few months so he can get carpets etc and make the space nicer for the kids, but he says he doesn't need my charity, and got pretty angry at the suggestion.

The kids adore him, and I'm not saying he's a terrible father, he does try when he has them.

The thought of my kids being in that filthy, mouldy flat for 2 weeks makes me feel sick.

Do I say something, which he will 100% ignore, do I say he isn't getting them for 2 weeks, or do I just allow them to go and hope all that mould doesn't trigger my sons asthma.

I can't decide what to do for the best here. Any advice is much appreciated.

If it's as bad as it sounds I wouldn't send my DC there.

Difficult as it might be, you need to speak to your ex about the conditions he's expecting your DC to live in; or say they cannot spend time in there. Do you have formal custody of the DC?

Smoking in the house with an asthmatic child FFS. He needs to sort himself out.

Why are so many men incapable of cleaning up after themselves, or seeing the impact their slovenliness has on others?

It's really awful. Ds sent through some photos and I asked someone else to have a look, and they said it was absolutely disgusting too, so I know it's not just me.

There is no court order in place at all, so I know I'm within my rights to block this for the sake of their health, its just a difficult call to make as they love him and he loves them, but they do need a basic level of cleanliness.

I will try and talk to him, but he absolutely will not say anything, he won't entertain talking to me about anything that he feels is me telling him off (although he did send me a lengthy message about how my recovery from surgery was impacting the dc when he refused to help out with them at all beyond his normal fortnightly visit).

He was a lazy git when we were together so I shouldn't be surprised at all I suppose.

As a (mild) asthmatic person the thought of going to a mouldy house and having someone smoking would worry me.

Does your child have an inhaler and know how to use it properly?

Are the children nearby so you could easily go and get them?

Yes, his dad keeps losing the inhaler, so I pack extras in ds bag and he knows how to use them.

They are about 40 miles away so I can get them fairly quickly if need be. I know my dc wouldn't ask me to though as ex can be quite manipulative with them tbh. He makes them feel guilty quite a lot about him being on his own most of the time, despite the contact being exactly what he asked for.

I would refuse based on your child being asthmatic.
This is a health issue really, he is not being a decent parent subjecting your children to mouldy and smoke filled surroundings, so no, I would refuse and tell him exactly why.

No, it's a health & safety risk. Your ex needs his access to be supported by a social worker.

This is hard but it’s a big jump from 2 days at a time to 2 weeks. I think you have to do what’s best for the kids and that’s physically as well as emotionally. I personally think you should say (or write) to him that your happy for him to have them for longer but only if it’s a safe and habitable environment which it isn’t at the moment and you wouldn’t be a responsible mum to allow them to stay there for any longer than a couple of days the state it’s in.

No,I would say no because the place is filthy,smoking and what would he feed them?I can’t imagine he gives them healthy freshly cooked food with a filthy kitchen.His standards are very low as you know,would they brush their teeth never mind having a shower.Your choice but to me this is appalling.The medical issues are serious for your child.Continue as you are at the moment although I would stop overnight visits unless it improves which is unlikely.He sounds disgusting.

The food they get there is an issue, for sure, its not so bad having a weekend of eating crap, but 2 weeks of eating shit will make dd pretty unwell, she can't handle a lot of junk food, it makes her pretty sick. He has nothing to cook with (except a microwave) and refused the offer of my old airfryer, or for me to buy a cooker for my kids.

After getting a full view of what the place looks like this weekend I did contemplate calling SS before they are due to go there, but wasn't sure if SS would do anything if the kids aren't there.

I'll definitely be bringing up the state of the house in the next couple of days with him, but I know he will ignore it, as he always does, and he will refuse any offer of help, as he always does.

I don't want to stop them seeing each other, but I do want my kids to be OK.

Thanks for the replies, glad to know that I'm thinking quite rationally, not always easy to do when your ex is a twat.

I wouldn’t send them unless I had proof that he’d made a conscious effort to rectify the issues first. Tell him you’ll agree to it if he cleans the place up first.

I wouldn’t let them go at all. It sounds horrendous. If he cares so little about them that he won’t even make the effort to provide a clean safe environment for them why would he want them for two weeks?

What is the plan fur the 2 weeks? Staying at home with their dad jr going away so where (eg his parents/holidays etc…)

Mould spores can be really dangerous to breathe in. On that basis alone I wouldn't send my kids there.
You have lots of evidence that his place is unsafe and unsanitary for them.
I think that comes before helping to maintain their relationship with him.
Their basic needs are not being met.
I would withhold them before the next visit and tell him explicitly why, in writing.
If he's not prepared to make changes or discuss it then actually he's not putting their needs first even if they have a good bond with him.

I know when I mention it he won't say anything at all to me, so I won't know if he sorts it or not, past experience tells me not.

Why he wants them for 2 weeks is a different matter, last time he wanted them outwith every second weekend it turns out he was trying to date someone who had kids and told the poor woman I had dumped the kids/am a crap mum/he has them 90% of the time (I bumped into her at the park and she recognised the kids, she was told I was an alcoholic).

I can only imagine that something similar is happening here as he wouldn't even take them for one day when I was going in for surgery.

He wants them at his house for the 2 weeks, they aren't going anywhere. If they were then I would definitely allow that, it's his home that's the problem in the main.

I'll definitely be telling him about the state of the place, as I do with most things, I have quite the back catalogue of me asking him not to smoke near them and other things. He will ignore.

This is exactly what I was going to say, OP. Inhaling mould is a huge health risk even if one isn't asthmatic, and we know what cigarette smoke does. Your ex isn't fit to have children, or anyone, human or animal, in his care, for two hours let alone two weeks.

Bliught. No. I dont know why but I think about that scene in Mrs Doubtfire where he has the shit apartment and he knows if he needs to be a good dad he needs to learn how to look after his home, learn to cook, earn a stable living.

He cannot provide a safe and clean home for his children.

I would also be suspicious by the sudden jump tot wo straight weeks. What is he planning on doing with them? I know there are lots of free activities you can do but he the type to find them out and organise some outings?

I would have alarm bells ringing as to why he suddenly wants them for two weeks. I would find some middle ground.

Absolutely 100% not. Would you want a friend or sibling to babysit your kids even for an evening in those conditions and with smoking in the house? Would you accept a nanny or childcare educator or teacher smoking around them? No different if it's their dad. I would be explicit about why and say no.

He plays a lot of online games with them so I imagine that's what they will be doing, he won't allow me to take their bikes/scooters over or anything.

I spoke to a solicitor some time ago to see what, if anything, I could do about the smoking, and was told nothing really. He apparently goes in the kitchen and opens a window, but it's a tiny 1 bed flat.

I might give SS a call today and see if they can visit without the kids being there, he won't listen to me, hopefully he would listen to them.

I'd tell him to clean the flat up before they go again. If he doesn't then he needs to take them out to see them. An asthmatic child sleeping in accommodation that is damp, mouldy and full of smoke is dangerous.

I would gather as much evidence as possible of the state of his home. Voice my concerns to the school.

Then take legal advice, in order to stop all overnight contact in his home. Effective immediately.

This will head to social services involvement and possibly court, but honestly that's where it needs to be. He needs to learn how to be a good father who can provide a safe, clean living environment and nutritious food. He won't take your help, and he may not take theirs either.

You need to put the children's welfare first - his feelings really do not matter.