Surprise 3rd baby. So many emotions.

[tiredconfusedhungry]

I've name changed and I don't want this linking to my other threads. I've just found out I'm pregnant. I have 2 DC's already 7 and nearly 4. We were done. Happy with 2. The kids get on well, the youngest starts school in September. We have a nice life. Without sounding thick I really don't know how this has happened, we use condoms (and thanks to our youngest being a crap sleeper) we must only DTD twice a month sometimes.

We've had ours ups and downs recently. We were discussing a separation while DH sorts out some issues. I love him so much and I know he loves us, but his problems are affecting our family now so he needs to sort that out. The timing of this couldn't be worse. I haven't even told him yet, he's on a night shift, home at 9am. He's so laid back though he'll go with whatever I decide I'm sure.

I keep running through the reasons why we should/shouldn't have another. I really don't know what I want.

Anyone else been in the same situation, how do you decide what to do? All the practical reasons why we shouldn't are screaming at me (money, feeling stretched as it is, can I cope with 3, can we fit them all in our car). I'm only 33, DH is 37 so not young but far from old either. I'm just so confused.

The good thing is, is that you do have options OP.

No one can tell you what to do.

And if you decide not to proceed with the pregnancy due to your marital issues as of late, lack of money, time or energy that is ok too.

Don't rush into the decision. Take your time x

It depends what the DH problems are to be honest. I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with a surprise third baby, we were similar to you and thought we were done at 2 kids. We’ve decided to go ahead but if my DH had bad MH issues/problems with alcohol/drugs/gambling then no way would I be going ahead. Nor would I be going ahead if DH and I were on the verge of separating for any other reason.

@Handholdplease85 congratulations!

No, his problems aren't anything like that. He needs counselling and I think space to deal with that. He wasn't keen on the idea of separating to do this but I think he needs the space. But it's not gambling, alcohol, drugs of MH thankfully.

This was me last year. I had DC1 who was in school and a brand new DC2. I’m roughly the same age as you and had just got back to work when I found out.

I almost had an abortion and spent lots of the pregnancy panicking and worrying that life was ruined.

Anyway, I decided to go ahead and honestly DC3 has just slotted in with everyone else. All of the things I was worried about (car, pram,school run) were barely worth thinking about as it’s just become our new normal. He’s brought us so much happiness that it’s worth it.

It totally depends on your circumstances though, there’s no right or wrong!

OP this was me almost five years ago. I still wonder how she was conceived as we had sick DC and going through a drought in the bedroom. It was a total and utter shock and I was 43. It was also a miserable pregnancy BUT we couldn't imagine life without her now she is the best thing that happened. It actually brought myself and DH closer together.

Well I told DH when he came in, he was just as shocked as I was.

Not sure how he feels at the moment, but he didn't jump straight into the 'it'll be fine, we can do it' kind of talk I'd hoped he would. He was pointing out a lot of the reasons we always said 2 was perfect for us. So I can guess how he's feeling.

I'll be honest I have been crying on and off all morning, thinking about the 2 options. Going ahead could affect the whole family negatively, DH if he isn't totally on board but goes along with it for my sake, my kids - I already feel stretched enough as it is sometimes. The other option won't affect anyone else really apart from me, but I'm not sure I can do it.

Not in your position, but go with your heart. If you only just found out you are panicking but in a few days or a week you'll get used to the idea and will know how you really feel. If you have 2 healthy happy children with a nice gap then there is no reason why this wont work out, so its down to how you really feel deep down and unfortunately only you can know that.

I was in your position 2 years ago. It was a real emotional rollercoaster, especially as I knew how strongly DH in particular felt about not having any more.

Ultimately the decision was taken out of my hands as I live in a country where termination is not allowed and as it was COVID times, I wasn't able to travel elsewhere.

I went in for an early scan at around 8 weeks and honestly did not know what I wanted the 'result' to be. I have previously had a MMC, so was dreading the idea of being told that the pregnancy wasn't viable, but equally knew that seeing 'it' on the screen would make it real.

The pregnancy resulted in my daughter who is now the absolute joy of our lives. Her brothers adore her and I love imagining three grown up kids and their families in the future. But three isn't easy. We had to move house. We desperately need a bigger car. I can't imagine how we will finance three lots of university fees. I worry that they don't get enough individual attention. I missed out on a big promotion at work because I was on maternity leave.

But every person and every family is different so I don't want to say 'oh it'll be fineeeeeeeee' because that might not be true. Ask yourself: How would you feel if you miscarried tomorrow? I hate to say it, but that might give you some clarity of thought?

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

@LaMaG I am panicking. But in my head I'm also wary of taking too long to decide. If I do decide to terminate, the later I leave it the worse it will be. I had a MMC at 12 weeks about 5 years ago and as I understand it, it's the same process and that was horrific.

@Borracha honestly, I'd be devastated but relieved the decision had been taken out of my hands.

DH has called me a few times today to talk more and ultimately I know his feelings, but he is genuinely happy if I want to continue. He is worried that I'll make a decision and regret it and then blame him.

I kept our third. I just couldn't do it. Whatever you decide and discuss with your DH, don't make the mistake I did and say "I can't do this", when you mean have an abortion and he thinks you mean have another baby! It made the invitation for the 12 week scan a bit awkward...😶

Ahh @Switcher 🙈

@LadyJ2023 then I really hope you never find yourself in this position. We've successfully used contraception for over 15 years. But the reality is we would very likely struggle financially if we had another. We both work full time only made possible by lovely family members who help with childcare, it is unfair to ask them to continue helping for another 5 years, my MIL will be 70 by then. We certainly couldn't afford full time childcare, we can't afford for one of us to go part time or be a SAHP. I don't think it's fair to bring another person into this world knowing you can't support them and it will have an negative impact on the DC's we have already.

We were doing our utmost to make sure I didn't have another baby.

OP when I had a surprise third pregnancy my children were 10 and 8 so I really struggled with what to do. DH was laid back and said we'd manage but I was back working full time and moving on in my career. In the end I went ahead with pregnancy and when I had my dating scan found I was further along than I realised. Our third child was so easy compared to our second child. He slept like a dream and he was always smiling. The thing is you never know if a baby will be easy or more difficult until they are born. Like you I'd had a horrible miscarriage several years before and it had been very painful as I had been 15 weeks pregnant at the time. Good luck on whatever you decide. Take your time with making the decision.

Not helpful.

I've got a counselling session with BPAS tomorrow. DH and I had a really good talk the other night, and I think we are on the same page. 2 was always the plan, we have 2 happy, healthy, amazing, exhausting children. There are so many practical reasons for not having another so we discussed those in depth and what the long term impact would be on all of us.
We are both worried that keeping this baby would put too big a strain on us as a couple, both financially and emotionally. I had PND with my second, I don't know what the chances are of it happening again are but just remembering how lonely that period of my life felt, I can't do that to my kids. Luckily dc1 doesn't remember much because she was only 3 when dc2 was born.

I told my lovely boss the situation, she's amazing and so supportive. I have almost constant nausea all day and im not really sleeping. Im really struggling to focus at work. Im hoping after Friday I'll be a bit more settled. I wasn't sure whether I'd be better off getting signed off sick or if that was a bit much.

I was in your position many,many moons ago and I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy although it definitely wasn’t what my husband wanted - it ultimately led to the breakdown of our marriage as he thought I put the baby before him ( doesn’t sound like this will be your case though) and maybe he just wasn’t that supportive anyway.
Anyway the baby was born with many problems and although I absolutely love her with all my heart now it did and still does make life more difficult for both me and my other children.
Would I do the same again? I truly don’t know, but don’t listen to what other people tell you do or what’s right and wrong - listen to your inner voice and do what’s right for your family - I’m not sure I did but years ago abortions were much harder to access and counselling was pretty non existent.
Whatever you decide good luck and don’t feel guilty in your choice.