What you want to spend your time doing VS What you actually do

[Helpiminarut]

Life is what we focus on..

What I want to spend my time doing:

I want to spend 2-3 hrs a day outdoors with my 3 year old, going enjoyable places (beach/towns/theme parks etc), experience new things. Seeing friends and family several times a week. I LOVE having people over so want to do that more. BBQ’s/board game nights/play dates/picnics in the park with friends and their kids. Cook healthy and delicious dinners and eat together as a family at the table. I want to go bouldering a few times a month. I want to organise board game nights. Spend more quality time with DH in the evenings (cooking together/doing lego, we both have fun lego sets to do!). Go out in the evenings to open mic nights/cinema/dinner/drinks. I want to read more books.

What I actually spend my time doing.

Whenever I get some me-time I plonk myself in bed on my phone reading about all the things I want to do (which in theory is what I’m doing here on mumsnet so that’s ironic..). My screen time is around 5-6 hrs a day including phone/tv. Go to the same 3 places with my 3 year old (he loves them but I’m so bored) because it’s easy. We eat separately and I pop a plate infront of 3 year old whilst he’s watching tv after nursery. I see my family maybe once a month, friends once every couple of weeks. I don’t exercise more than walk to work. Me and DH watching separate things in separate rooms after throwing something in the oven for easy dinner.

We’re stuck in such a rut! This is my life and that’s a depressing thought. I’m exhausted in the evening and it’s too easy to give in to unhealthy comforts that won’t serve me/us in the long run. How do you find a balance? What do you spend your time doing?

Well I’d like to have time to sleep more and start exercising again.

Other than that, I do what I’d want to do (or rather, what I feel must be done) - cook from scratch, weekends are days out, eat breakfasts and dinners as a family at the table… everything is geared towards what I think is best for the children.
We had them late (mid-30s), so I figure we’ve had decades of indulging our own whims.

@7Worfs this is what I ultimately want. More of a family community rather than co existing. My DS is very happy and active but I’d like to also bring him along to things we like doing too. And bring at least 1 meal a day into the kitchen so that we can eat together as a family.

What is stopping you? You can start making the changes gradually and gently, so that you don’t get tantrums from DC and unnecessary arguments with DH.

I can type out our routines etc if you’d like some ideas on how to introduce structure and outcomes that you want for DC and family.

I spend about 40%of my time doing what I HAVE to and 60% of my time doing what I WANT to. I'm happy with that and self employed.

When I was employed I spent 95% of my time doing what I had to and 5% doing what I wanted to. Looking back, I was stupid to do that.

@7Worfs Tiredness and overwhelm mostly. You hit the nail on the head with gradually and gently introducing. In my mind i'd like to do everything or else it doesn't count which isn't helpful. It'd be really interesting to see your routines if you have time to write them down. Thank you!

I want to sit together weekend mornings drinking coffee discussing current affairs, reading newspapers in a clutter free, pretty garden view.

What actually happens - newspaper gets delivered, I make coffee, the kids (14&12) venture down only when bacon sandwiches are made and take up. During the handing over of sandwich I suggest at least some homework during screen time or a bit of practical science set. They agree disappear I tidy the kitchen and talk through household jobs before starting ploughing through the endless list.

Ah, the old “all or nothing” mentality, I suffer with it also, and have to fight it.

These are some of our routines (children are 4yo and 10mo baby) that I find help me run the household smoothly and children know exactly what happens and when.

Mornings - baby wakes up first around 5-6am (we co-sleep in his room), we join DH in the master bedroom where he takes over with baby (nappy change, teeth brushing, clothes, quiet play), while I get some rest (I don’t get much sleep).

Pre-schooler wakes up around 6.30am, if earlier than that we just let him play, we brush teeth together, I help him get dressed, then DH takes both DC downstairs while I have a shower.

On my way downstairs I take a laundry basket (if I do a load every day I stay on top of things), if needed change bedlinen or towels etc.
Put the laundry on, make the coffee and porridge (always porridge with banana and raisins, except on Sundays - that’s DH making pancakes).
There is a rule “no TV before breakfast”, so 4yo usually does a puzzle or colouring, or playing with cars while waiting. DH plays with baby.
From 3yo onward I find you can just start an activity with them and they can carry on by themselves if needed.

When I call for breakfast, 4yo picks a story and while DC eat, I read to them. DH drinks his coffee or does his own thing.

After breakfast 4yo watches some TV, DH with baby, I tidy up and get bags ready. DH drops DC off at nursery.

Weekends - after breakfast we usually play for a bit before I have to head upstairs with baby for a nap. DH takes 4yo to clubs (swimming and rugby currently).

We then reconvene again around 11am and I make a lunch while DH takes the DC to neighbours to chat and play. After lunch we go out - we have 2-3 standard places and a dozen more occasional ones.

When we get back home, 4yo might ask to watch TV or go to neighbours again (DH supervises both), and I cook dinner.

@tescocreditcard That sound like a really healthy balance to me! (Not the 95% work obvs, i'm glad you left that in the past!)

My Issue is that I spend a whole lot of time on things I don't want nor need to do. Just sort of existing in a passive state. For example: Washing up needs doing but I also want to play guitar as that's something I enjoy doing and feel fulfilled by. Instead I slump on the sofa or stay in bed doing neither and then feel rubbish and guilty. My present self just can't be arsed. I too easily give in to lazy self. I realize how pathetic I sound. I know I need to change.

Evenings - dinner is 5pm every day, we all eat together. After dinner I give the DC fruit bowls for desert, DH supervises them while I tidy up dining table and kitchen, start the dishwasher.
If there’s time we play for a bit or go for a short walk (doesn’t happen often, if it’s 10mins spare time we just watch TV).

6pm - all head upstairs. Brush teeth, bath children. I then do baby’s bedtime (bf to sleep) and DH does bedtime for 4yo - I think the current format is 1 book story, then light off and a made-up story about dinosaurs and my 4yo as the protagonist.

7pm - freedom at last. I do some home admin if needed, fold laundry, and then collapse on the sofa to watch something whilst clutching the baby monitor. DH is on his computer. I’m not bothered about “couples time” at this stage of life, after being mummied all day I want to rest on my own.

Note: I outsource cleaning, gardening etc.

Oh God, teenagers are brutal! I have that to look forward to.. which is also why I want to spend more quality time together now when I can ( hopefully) instill a nice habit.

@7Worfs I'll reply properly when I get home from work!

Start small @Helpiminarut say with eating.

Have full intentions to have Saturday brunch, so toast, eggs, bacon (if you do etc), beans fried onions, cooked tomato, variation together.

Perhaps before you clean dishes tidy to one side and play for 20 minutes, quick game, stickers, anything, Find Wally page. Just to carve out a bit of family time whilst doing something you have to do, i.e. eat.

And aim for Sunday dinner to be together so eat a bit earlier if you need to.

Two meals either end of the weekend, at the table, radio on perhaps, together.

Take it from there.

Don't beat yourself for what you don't do.

Play something on guitar your toddler can sing, wheels on the bus, baby shark, then you can play guitar and play with son.

Young child are relentless, I couldn't do much.

And teenagers think everything you suggest is lame! 😁but you can blackmail them with money and/or wi-fi access

Oh, if you love playing guitar, buy a toddler one, or an ukulele, and play “band” with your DC. Your DH can join in with drums (made out of sauce pans) or a real instrument if he plays.

From 3yo children start to like activity books too - with colouring, connect the dots, stickers etc - those are fun to do together.

It’s a good age to start introducing your own hobbies, just tweaked a bit.

@7Worfs it sound like you and DH have a good collaboration going! A true team effort. The rule of no TV before breakfast I'm stealing! DS is an early riser anytime from 4-5.30 but I refuse to go downstairs before 5. I'm thinking no TV before 6.30. He's normally pretty good at entertaining himself the first couple of hours anyway. Also need to resist the urge of watching "Down on the farm" with him as I too sleepy to start washing up. He's quite a restless boy and needs tonnes of running around so have starting taking him out 1hr before nursery starts to go to park and let off some steam!

I want to do some things outside work that challenge me, and have got the ball rolling, now I just need to prepare, meet the challenge and not limit myself in my head - I am capable of more.

I want to be wild swimming at least twice a week, going to an exercise class and join a choir. And doing plenty of crafts like sewing etc.

What I actually do is get home from work, cook dinner for DS, kill time before bed doing a bit of cleaning and thinking I should do more, put DS to bed then crash out in front of youtube and stay up way too late, only to get up and start the whole thing all over again in the morning.

So I want to be fitting more into weekend days, getting used to doing a run/a long hike or a swim plus other things we need or want to do and challenging my brain with some training, rather than thinking I just need both weekend days to chill and recharge. Some days, fine, but I want more from life outside work and that means getting used to being on the go more.

@7Worfs I also had him In my mid 30's so I was used to the comfort of only having to look after myself. I don't think I've ever fully got over the resentment of giving up my free time and still after 3 years feel hard done by. I am working on it though. Like you said - you have to fight it! It just doesn't feel fantastic 😅

I’ve been much the same as you, but mine is 7 now so I’ve been in the process of making small changes. I have a health condition to manage so although I only work part time, I use those free hours when she is at school to sleep and catch up on chores. Which is not want I want to do.

What I want to do is achieve boundless energy whereby I live a life of calm serenity, spiritual enchantment and live in nature with animals and tonnes of fields and trees. Writing novels and doing puzzles, and reading.

What I actually do is wear myself out doing mundane day to day stuff that needs doing, spend time with my daughter which is wonderful, a few hours at my job which I love, then conk out. So not the worst, but still feel can do a bit more living than I am…

@frozendaisy I'm hoping that starting with one thing will have a knock on effect on other things! Saturday brunch is going to happen, might make a pancake feast! Thanks for the tips! Although I dont want to wish his childhood away, i can't wait to take him bouldering/running when he's a little older. I'm dreading the future screentime battles..

Ah. The old phone stealing our time problem.

Coincidentally, I was just complaining to my friend that I feel my teenagers, dh and I have all lost our personalities due to just staring at our phones constantly.
We do eat dinners together and go out though all separately.
I had a talk with my family today about let's all aim to limit our phone use to 3 hrs a day. My 15 yr old wailed 'but that's so boring'. 'exactly why you need to do this' I replied.
My teens can't even watch tv anymore because it's not stimulating enough. They'll only watch something they really want to watch, which is once in a blue moon.

I'm making plans.

As for me, I want to read more, do some more work (freelance) and sort out the house. But I waste time on my phone instead.

@Helpiminarut hah, DH huffs and puffs and we bicker a lot, but he does what’s needed, it’s so hard to balance two children (to us anyway).

If your DS wakes up around 5am - I’d create a “5am box” with toys that you only give to him at that time (so he doesn’t lose interest), and stay in bed until 6am. And refresh the box every now and then. Not new stuff, just rotate existing toys. Maybe puzzles too, Duplo, cars…

@7Worfs that's genius actually. I reckon partly why he wakes up that early is because he has a very early breakfast. If I could push going down stairs for a little longer that may well solve the problem! Me and DH narrowly avoids the bickering as long as I do the first bit and then he takes over at 7.30. Then I can nap for a while as he works evenings quite often. Very strict schedule so that we both get a rest! I appreciate that it's MUCH easier to do if you only have 1 child though.

Another thing also - allocate time for your idling on mobile (mine is when I’m nap trapped etc), and don’t reach for your phone outside those times. MN can wait 🤭

Also, take turns with DH to idle or do a hobby/play with DC - never have a time when you are both on your phones and DC is alone, it’s not setting up a good example and a nice family dynamic. In fact it’s best if mindless scrolling is done in a different room to DC. It’s just easier to rein in it that way.
To keep on the straight and narrow, imagine a MN committee monitoring you and judging your parenting 👀