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Original poster

How do you let your children go?

15 replies

ConstanceWorry · 08/07/2023 16:07

I'm really struggling. I have one child. He'll be 18 in a few weeks. I'm feeling desperately sad. I know I'm being unreasonable. He's got a girlfriend and spends most of his time with her. I miss him. He lives at home but stops at hers quite a lot. I walk passed his empty bedroom and want to cry.

He's a sportsman and I used to take him to his competitions all over the country. Now the girlfriend wants to come to and that makes me sad. I have lost our time together.

I do realize I'm being silly/jealous/irrational/crazy but it's just the way I feel.

How do I move on? How do you let your kids go when they we your entire life?

I feel pointless and like the best of my life is over.

OP posts:

pointythings · 08/07/2023 17:45

You fill your life with other things. Do you work? Time to start, if you can. Look at things you enjoy and are passionate about and see if there are volunteering opportunities - I've made so many friends through my volunteer work for a cat rescue, and I also work full time.

Think of the things you never got round to doing because you were busy parenting, pick the one you fancy most and get stuck in.

And most of all, pat yourself on the back for raising a young man who is independent and ready to live his own life. You've done a good job.

frozendaisy · 08/07/2023 17:48

Embrace his continued development.

Try and change your mindset, enjoy his girlfriend's company whilst he is playing, try and enjoy that there are now two people on the sidelines cheering him/his team on.

It's unhealthy for both him and you for your happiness to be dependent on him. You need to let go and enjoy the new relationship.

Think how you were at 18 would you have like your mum being like you are? Would it have made any difference you would have gone what you were going to do regardless no doubt.

DamaskRosie · 08/07/2023 17:49

YANBU to feel sad but it should be bitter-sweet- yes, you are seeing less of him but that's because you've raised him to be able to do all these exciting things and live his life. I always find it helpful to ask myself what it would really be like if DS lived at home in his bedroom forevermore, never being independent, and that's definitely not what you want.

What have you got going on in your own life that you can focus on for a bit? Work, hobbies, friends, partner? Is there something new you can start to give yourself something to look forward to?

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Families

Novicecamper82 · 08/07/2023 17:51

I worry about this already and my eldest is only 5! Sending hugs and I second other advice to embrace it and pat yourself on the back x

Original poster

ConstanceWorry · 08/07/2023 17:51

pointythings · 08/07/2023 17:45

Think of the things you never got round to doing because you were busy parenting, pick the one you fancy most and get stuck in.

And most of all, pat yourself on the back for raising a young man who is independent and ready to live his own life. You've done a good job.

Thank you. It's so hard. I work from home so I don't see many people. I've had social anxiety since primary school which is very isolating.

OP posts:

Maireas · 08/07/2023 17:53

It's not silly! It's very bittersweet because they're moving on. You're still Mum, though, and he'll come back so he's not gone completely. I remember when my son went to university I cried for ages and couldn't go into his bedroom! It does pass, though, and you focus on the next phase of the relationship.

MintyCedric · 08/07/2023 17:54

This time is tough (DD turned 18 last September) but @pointythings is absolutely right.

I’ve taken up a hobby I intended to start years ago when DD was a baby, and am starting a new job in September just as she (hopefully!) heads off to uni.

I’m already booking in activities during autumn as I do tend to hibernate otherwise, and making plans to redecorate several bits of the house without the faff of having someone in and out and wanting to be fed or cook or use the bathroom every five minutes!

I dropped her off at the airport on Thursday morning for a solo trip to Italy and driving back I felt so proud of her for having the kahunas to go on her own…then I realised I felt proud of myself for giving her the confidence and letting her go.

You can’t change this time, so all you can do is embrace it…you will come out the other side.

lljkk · 08/07/2023 17:55

Heaven forbid OP, but what if something happened to you. If you couldn't support him , if you weren't there.

You want him to have other ppl in his life who he cares about & who help & support him, right? You did good that he is achieving that.

And similarly, you don't want him to feel over responsible for your happiness. If you want to be the best parent to him then you need to find other purposes so that you will be the strong support for him in every way, including giving him space to not feel totally responsible for your happiness. Then your relationship will be even stronger because it's a bond that you both want rather than like you had no other choice.

You can transit to finding purpose in multiple ways. It's a big change but if you work on it, you can make it a good change.

pointythings · 08/07/2023 17:55

@ConstanceWorry social anxiety is a tough one - have you had any support in addressing this so you can improve your quality of life? If not, I'd really recommend doing that.

If you have and it's a constant, then find your passion. Learn a new creative skill. Write a book. Take up art. You'll be amazed what you find you're good at, we're all full of surprises! Exercise is also good, the endorphins make you feel so much better. Think of this time as an opportunity for you to grab life with both hands and do things for you. When you're a parent, you do risk losing yourself in the chaos of looking after your DC (especially if you're doing it single!)

ConcernedCatmother · 08/07/2023 17:57

Best advice is to take care of your relationship with his girlfriend/wife in the future as much as your relationship with him. So many mums lose their sons to DIL’s that don’t like them. Embrace that the girlfriend wants to spend the time with you two and get to know her like a daughter

JanglyBeads · 08/07/2023 17:57

Do you have a partner OP?

I must admit, my oldest's going away in Sept and the thought that in only two years it'll be her DB going too is pretty daunting, especially as a SP.

But am so happy for them and excited to see what they're going to do and be, and happy to think of them coming back as adults and sharing their lives and news etc. (and washing!)

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/07/2023 17:58

It's never too late to start tackling anxiety and now would be the perfect time to start pushing yourself. The only way to get passed anxiety is to keep doing whatever scares you and to keep doing it. You just have to accept it will feel horrible but it is just that a horrible feeling.

It will eventually feel easier and open up your world so it doesn't feel empty once your ds leaves home.

I do know how you feel, my dd is 17yo and it's just been the two of us for 17 years. I will be heartbroken when she leaves for uni but also so so proud of her.

Maireas · 08/07/2023 17:58

Oh, you're not wrong about the washing, @JanglyBeads !

TillieAnn1945 · 08/07/2023 18:00

I take my ds’s and their girlfriends on days out, the girlfriends are always welcome and are often in our house. So I would say that instead of being jealous, try to get to know his gf better, take them both out for lunch, invite her to dinner, days out etc.. find hobbies and work and do things that you haven’t been able to do for years.

UsingChangeofName · 08/07/2023 18:32

He's a sportsman and I used to take him to his competitions all over the country. Now the girlfriend wants to come to and that makes me sad. I have lost our time together.

I don't understand why this is a sad, or bad thing. I still watch the teams my dc play for, and plenty of the young adults have both their parent and partner there. If anything, it seems a great chance to be able to chat to the partner and get to know them a bit whilst your ds is playing. Much less formal or awkward than a new partner "coming round to meet the parents" and a real positive that you can spend time together. You have no less time with him, and he is including both people that are important to him.

It's unhealthy for both him and you for your happiness to be dependent on him.

This x 100%
I love my dc dearly, but they have never been my "whole" life.
If you have let this situation you are in develop, then you need to take steps to start developing the rest of your life now. He will always be your son. What you need to do is ensure that you have a healthy relationship with the young adult he is becoming, otherwise you will drive him away.

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