Well it's just utter fucking crap isn't it!

[LittleHare]

....and it's my birthday too!

Partner of several years has mental health issues, and takes medication for it. The meds don't seem to be working but he can't be bothered to see the gp incase something else might help.

This past week - my birthday week - which according to him was going to be special and wonderful has ended with me feeling sick and shaky.

This 'special' week I've had the silent treatment, the going to bed all day treatment, the ranting at me treatment, the going out and being social with his mates treatment. But apparently he's made it up to me by volunteering to cook dinner last night , oh and giving me a birthday card last monday, then literally dropping a box on the table and walking away this morning. Don't know what it is, didn't say it was for me.

Years ago, whenever one of these episodes happened I felt it was my fault. I would take him tea in bed, talk to him, soothe him, persuade him to come join back in to our life. Gradually the scales have fallen from my eyes and I know it is not my fault.
He doesn't rant, scream, sulk, ignore any of his mates /workmates/family. Just me.

This is the cycle of my life with him. A few good days followed by many days like those above.

I've told him today that I'm done. I now just need to do it.

Happy fucking birthday to me!

Happy birthday OP! You've done all that you can, it's time to put yourself first now. Just think of how fabulous your birthday will be next year 🍸

Happy birthday OP! Give yourself the best present ever by dumping this dickhead.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Some people are radiators.....radiating out warmth and positivity. Others are drains and will suck the life out of you and any happiness you may have. Get rid of this drain..... you're clearly a radiator!

@LittleHare Thanks for your concern Little. I am OK by and large but every now and then it gets to me.

Happy Birthday by the way. It's having someone who cares enough to wish it to you. I've found as the years have gone by there are fewer cards each year. Now I'm down to 4 as I have no close or distant family and the cards are from his SIL and DNs

@ThreeRingCircus you have described us exactly. He drains me though I try not to let it as I'm a positive person. But today was the final straw.

I really hope you are able to get him out of your life, though I know it won't be easy. Big hugs for you.

Well, that's more or less the day over and done with. I've spent the last couple of hours unboxing a large order for my work - very physical stuff which was just what I needed.

Thank you all again for today, you have no idea just how much you helped.

Well, you've come to a life-changing decision, so that makes this week very significant, even if it can't be described as "special."

Happy birthday op! Well done; imagine next birthday you'll have no disappointments. You've done yourself a huge favour.
Do you have anyone irl (friends/ family) who can support you whilst he moves out?

It's emotional abuse. I'm so sorry you've had a shit week. Glad the scales are falling!
Read Why Does He Do That (free here) https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Give yourself an early birthday present for next year and leave him!

In a year's time you will be a brand new person.

Happy birthday - which has come with the gift of clarity about his behaviour and what you deserve in life. I hope you enjoyed the sticky toffee pudding (and sang yourself Happy Birthday while you ate it). Enjoy making plans to be free of this shit.

OP, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship this New Year’s Eve and I promised myself things would be different that time next year.

I booted him mid-January, house sale and kid arrangements are currently incredibly stressful but I have not ONCE regretted it other than wishing I’d done it sooner.

Let this birthday be the last one in this fug, and update us in 2024.

Happy birthday OP 🎉

This time next year you'll be celebrating your birthday and updating us on how your life has changed 💓👍

Happy birthday OP and I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day.

But tbh I can’t feel sympathy for you as you chose to be in this situation.

If you want things to change then you need to change them.
There’s only so many times you can bang your head against the wall and complain it hurts, instead you need to stop banging your head against the wall.

Thanks for your birthday wishes, but I didn't ask for or expect your sympathy, I was feeling very low yesterday but hey, you just crack on with your judging!

I don't believe in giving up on someone immediately, especially when they're ill. But it comes to a point when it doesn't work anymore and
If you read my posts properly, you will see it has taken me time to accept that I cannot change him, only change my life, which is what I've said I plan to do.

So go you.

Happy birthday 🥳 💐

As others have said, next year’s birthday will be better if you get rid of him. Onwards and upwards.

But tbh I can’t feel sympathy for you as you chose to be in this situation.

You're really not understanding the dynamics of domestic abuse, are you. Always easier to kick someone when they’re down than to think of all the factors that might contribute to the situation that undermine capacity to chose.

I’m sure you feel very smug about your deeply insightful post. 🙄

Happy birthday!

You are not there for him to abuse. If he's not doing it to others he is an abuser.

You sound as if you are working and if so you could get a mortgage to top up your half of the house. I've taken on a mortgage and I'm not that much younger than you

You will soon have your own home and peace. And a wonderful birthday next year!

@SayHi that's not very supportive, and not how abusive relationships work.

There is mental illness.
And then there is abuse.
They do not have to go hand in hand.
You are being abused OP, and you don't need to be abused cos of MH issues. He is choosing to do this.
Please choose to find a way not to tolerate, and preferably to leave. We're rooting for you

Hi OP, your story reminded me of many of my own past birthdays. Pretty much every year there would be some reason for him to be giving me the silent treatment just before or on the day. After a few years there wouldn't even be a present, I was told to buy something for myself which he would then wrap and give to me in front of the children to make him look good.

I left and divorced a couple of years ago and my birthdays are now delightful as I plan the day to do something I'll really enjoy and I don't have the feeling of dread before it or disappointment on the day. Same for Christmas, which was also very stressful with no effort from him.

Be strong and look ahead to better times.

Happy Birthday! The best gift you can give yourself is holding on to this decision. I have a husband with mental health problems who also likes to deploy the darkness and bad mood in an attempt to control how people treat him. Last whole day of bad mood was due to people not talking to him enough (yeah cos you are in a bad mood?!).

I confront regularly now, in the hopes he will change, but this time I have been told hes shitty because I’m distant and don’t love him enough. I really don’t know how he doesn’t see a correlation.

Anyway, stick with your decision and free yourself!