Husband gets so angry over nothing

[Chchicken]

First of all before I start, this isn’t any kind of domestic abuse issue, he 100% doesn’t hurt me or my son. I’m due another baby this month so feel like this can’t go on any longer.

My husband is almost like a child, he just cannot cope with minor things going wrong. It’s as if he can’t control his anger or something. My little boy is now getting to an age where he witnesses this behaviour and will potentially start to copy him soon so it’s really bothering me. I have spoken to him about it countless times, he says he’ll stop, agrees he doesn’t want him seeing that but then yet again flies off the handle over nothing. It’s never actually ‘at’ me either, it’s just in a rant out loud he’s having at the time.

On the surface it’s really not a huge issue and he’s not going round punching holes in walls but tonight for example the Wi-Fi went off and he couldn’t watch the rest of the tennis. If it was me I would have calmly gone through, fixed the Wi-Fi and continued on my night but I could hear him muttering away to himself about it then he came storming upstairs announcing that the Wi-Fi wasn’t working (far too loudly when our toddler was in bed), he ranted to himself for another few minutes about what a joke the whole house is, nothing works etc then launched his phone onto the bed from the bathroom. I quietly walked out the room and shut the door. I’m almost embarrassed when he does it 😳 we have a broken picture that fell off the wall in the hall because he threw the tv remote once before and we’ve had to get a lock fixed because he was so heavy handed with it the other week (while saying nothing works)!

I’m at a loss as to what I can actually do now. I’ve said about it so many times and made it very clear that he does not behave like that in the house, especially now we have a child, but a few days later and another minor thing will cause this meltdown again. Other than leave him while heavily pregnant at this point what can I do? 🤦🏻‍♀️

There are anger management courses available, my brother is on one. Is this something he would engage with?

Does he behave like that at work? He’d lose his job if he behaved like that in company.

Leave him. It’ll get worse when you have a small child and a baby.

Get in touch with Womens Aid.

He needs some cbt or similar. Will he get some help? You definitely don’t want your kids around it. Sounds awful.

Anger management, exercise regime , get him to go for a run and stop being a dick?

I have suggested an anger management course before and said he really needed to do something about it but it didn’t come to anything. He is a perfectly rational person the rest of the time and I can’t work out why he does it, I assume either his dad or step dad must have behaved that way growing up but just can’t work out which one 🤔

@Ohyeahwaitaminute he has his own company so I would guess not but I can’t imagine how he suddenly would have loads of patience at work when he doesn’t at home

This is absolutely domestic abuse.

He doesn't punch walls but he throws objects, and has broken at least one item because of this.

You feel 'almost embarrassed' when he throes a tantrum. That feeling is stress. It's a response to the presence of someone who is volatile, unpredictable, and causing you massive anxiety.

Do you feel when he's in full flight that you could gently ask him to stop? Or do you feel too intimidated by the spectacle he is creating to do anything but hunker down and wait for the storm to pass?

Your H is in full control of his temper. He does not behave like this at work, I guarantee you.

He saves his displays of rage for home, and the reason to do that is to intimidate you.

You've asked him to change. He is aware that his choice to indulge in this behaviour is upsetting you. He has decided not to change.

He does not need anger management sessions.

He needs to be served with divorce papers. You'll be doing him a favour. He has decided not to be a decent man, a good husband, or a loving father. Set him free.

You're not going to do that until....?
Until he punches a wall?
Until your child punches a wall or throws something in anger?
Until your child throws something at the baby?

You're very vulnerable right now, with a little child and a baby on the way.

But you need to understand that men who behave like your H are not losing their temper, they are using it. And they will not stop using it until they get the sense of power and control they crave.

I urge you to download and read 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. You will see your husband in the pages.

Do you happen to know which course he's on? My brother is considering it too

Because he chooses to have loads of patience at work, because there would be consequences if he didn't.

He can control his behaviour, he demonstrates that by controlling it perfectly well in work, or in other situations outside the home. He just doesn't respect you, your child or your home enough to do so around you.

It sounds like he’s aware there’s an issue which is a good first step. It is domestic abuse, but it’s also behaviour that he may well be able to change. Not all domestic abuse is the “must get out now” kind. Though of course if you feel you need help to get out then call women’s aid. He could call the Respect phone line or look on their website. There might be local resources too.

My DH does this without throwing items, so all verbal. He has strong autistic traits (family members already diagnosed) and he gets regularly irritated by small things. I have zero patience for his poor behaviour and do not tolerate it one jot. I consistently remind him that the kids find his dramatically huffy behaviour particularly stressful. Over the years he has learnt to control his reactions to some extent. I have regularly suggested he goes for a walk to decompress but he struggles to implement simple strategies. Despite this DH is a very loving dad who has a lot of time for our kids.

Your bizarre opinions on the Lundy Bancroft book are probably not as helpful as you may believe they are, @cassiatwenty

It's abuse because what is he going to do with the kids when they're older? Is he going to magically be incredibly patient with them acting up? Or is he going to throw them across the room as well?

He doesn't give a shit how it makes you feel or he would have stopped.

I'm not going to say LTB but you absolutely know this is not ok and you know you're going to have to manage him and protect the kids best you can. Eventually you may well leave him because it's just too exhausting to live with someone like that.

I don't necessarily disagee with your comment to the OP @mathanxiety

Having read the book, however, it offered no solutions whatsoever.

If someone dealt with a bad manager at work, trying to understand where or why this behaviour comes from does nothing to change the situation.

OP asked for advices that are not strictly LTB because she, similar like some people stuck with bad managers, can't just LTB or quit right now.

Why does it matter why someone wants to hurt you or rob you? Would people being robbed benefit from purchasing a book "Why do robbers rob?" Probably not.

I read the book. It was shoddy, unhelpful and bad. Fear-mongering sells but it's not even self-help. I said what I said. 🤷‍♀️😬

@cassiatwenty I found it very helpful. I'd thought my ExH must have some kind of disorder or illness because he became such an utter cunt when I was pregnant. The book completely opened my eyes. I stopped trying to explain it. He is an abusive curt because it works for him.