Weighing up improving finances over managing autistic burnout ?

[ShrimpPancakes]

How do I balance things ?

We are doing ‘ok’ with finances but zero savings and dh is keen to progress his career. He’s been offered extra hours and responsibilities and wants to take them . I have autism and it’s going to take away from the time I either need for myself to decompress/ regulate or for him just to be helping with the dc (baby and toddler).

He wants to do an extra 16 hours a week, some of it is WFH but he’s literally shut in his office he can’t take breaks to help me at all I feel like it’s going to push me over the edge .
Do I tell him no ?

With the extra hours can you put the children in childcare for some of the time?

How do you recharge and can you incorporate that into your day to day a bit more? DD uses her noise cancelling headphones so will wear them out and about (when it's safe) if she needs to recharge on the go to avoid going down to 0%, it's not as good as her normal technique but it tides her over

A baby and toddler will test anyone's patience let alone an autistic parent (I am autistic and know i couldn't manage it, so we have a bigger age gap). Personally for me I wouldn't think it's worth having the extra money only to spend it on childcare to help you manage. And I was keen not to have my dc in nursery before age 2, but that's a personal decision.

I think if he's wfh you have to treat that as unavailable and allow him to work (it's better not to take on the extra hours than do it badly because he's constantly being interrupted).

You have to think about other sources of support, e.g family, children's centres etc. Ate you in touch with any services eg perinatal MH? Sometimes you can get some funded childcare or a volunteer from homestart, but it's a bit intrusive and I wouldn't have liked it. Can the toddler get any funded hours from age 2 (depends on income).

If you're on UC, check if you're eligible for Help to Save. It's a government savings account which pays a large bonus, better than any interest rate.

I thought I had my answer here but actually it's difficult. If the extra hours have the ability to improve your life in the future it's a good idea.

I had less than a year between my boys and I can definitely relate - it's exhausting.

My ex-DH used to take them in the morning for half an hour before work. We all followed the same routine - activity in the morning, lunchtime nap (we all had one), walk in the afternoon then home to relax.

Maybe on the days your DH is at home he could do their breakfast and evening meal. Between you, I'm sure you could find a routine that works.

16 extra hours on top of what now?

Funny how many fathers suddenly decide they need (read want ) to take on new courses or jobs or go self employed meaning they will not be at home as much when they have such young children/new babies.

No, tell him he can wait until they are either in school or at least nursery.

Or they are conscious that they are responsible for two children [and their partner?] and there’s a cost of living crisis that means more money coming in would be useful

Also if he earns more there is more money for nursery

How many hours does he work currently?

How many hours does he work currently?

At a similar age my DH went for a big promotion, I ended up putting DC in nursery which really helped.

Do you work? Are the DC in childcare at all anyway? What’s the current day-to-day for you look like across the week?

He currently works 8-4 mon- Thu

New hours would be 8-6 mon-Thu and 8-4 Friday

I work 2 hours a week on a Saturday 3 weeks of the month and the last week I do 4 hours.
usually I need the Friday to prepare myself plus get housework done and the Sunday to decompress

His travel is 40 mins each way. He would be WFH on the Friday (he is WFH on Tuesdays at the moment but that would change)

So is it fair to say that it’s the Friday that worries you most? Not being able to prepare for work and a whole extra day alone? Could you look into some babysitting for that time, Fridays 9-3, say? perhaps someone who comes to the house, or a childminder. Nurseries usually want 2 sessions a week in my experience - they are another option but will be more expensive.

I think it would be unfair to ask him to work less than a full-time week if it’s offered - it is a cost of living crisis, your work presumably isn’t bringing in much so he’s effectively a sole wage earner? Do you get any benefits related to your autism that could go to extra support/childcare?

Do you have family who can help you?

Btw, your title is ‘improving finances vs autistic burnout’ but the chance for promotion is also part of it - you need to look at it not just from the money angle but also your DH’s career and the benefits of that improving too.

Is there any option for him to agree to increase the Mon-Thu hours, but not take on the Fri?

It’s important he feels fulfilled and you get the help you need to manage. I recommend additional support in the house from someone else - a baby sitter who could come after college for an hour and a half or so to look after the kids

Dh has decided to decline the offer and keep things as they are. When the dc are a bit older we will look at him increasing hours of me increasing mine but for now it’s just really too overwhelming