Help me fix our broken family

[Tweedledoodle]

I need help fixing my family before we either kill each or dc leave home and never come back. My heart is breaking, we are clearly shit parents so don’t need people telling us that but do want practical suggestions for how we can try and reset before it’s too late and get back the family we used to have where we enjoyed spending time together, were kind and thoughtful towards each other and didn’t spend our lives arguing.

DS17 is main source of tension (clever but absurdly lazy with school work; refuses to do pretty much anything unless it’s beneficial to him, smokes weed with his mates, fairly prolific lier BUT can be really good company, chatty and personable when the mood takes him but if you either ask him to do something (homework, chores, helping generally etc) he can fly off the handle and he’s so so vile

DS14 coming into grumpy teens, retreating to his room more starting to slack off with school work and didn’t do that well in recent exams. Worried he’s following in his brother footsteps, But, will still sit downstairs with us in the evening, chats after school ,does basic chores without a huge drama and takes care of himself and his stuff.

DH & I get on well but have been increasingly arguing about the dc which of course adds to the tension and drama! We literally spend our days nagging the DC and don’t know how to get out of pattern without letting them/DC1 get away with murder and me running around like their slave! I can’t remember the last time we laughed or enjoyed a day out as a family that didn’t somehow end up or start badly. We kiss them goodnight, tell them we love them (& they do back) but it seems like we’re going though the motions and I don’t feel we have any sort of real connection.

Anyone?

You could try going to relate?

You need this book, follow what it says to the letter:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Door-Slammers-Behaved-Teenager/dp/0091924111/

@Lovelytreeoutsidemywindow ordered and on it's way.

@MeinKraft I think this is probably a good idea, not something we've explored but probably should have done before it got to this stage. I don't suppose you have any idea how much this sort of thing costs? Our local (or anywhere near local) Relates doesn't do face to face and whilst I wouldn't mind online, I can't see 4 of us around a screen happening so will need to look at other organisations.

Consequences.
Let them be. But also stop running after them like their slave.
Stop cooking for them, washing, lifts etc.

I just want to say you don’t sound like shit parents at all and while it sounds stressful it also sounds within the realms of normal to me.

I am sure it will come right!

I’d be tackling the ‘weed’ problem before psychosis sets in 👍🏿☘️

My child stopped the weed after he realised the consequences of always feeling jittery and awful and when he could see the damage it was doing to his friends.

No amount of my saying "it's not intended for everyday use" or "it doesn't suit everyone..." had any effect.

You don't sound shit because you care, and because you are trying to do something about it.

Something outside of school or home can make them see things differently. A very boring part time job, NCS etc.

@eveoha i don’t disagree but would welcome any practical suggestions for stopping a 17 year with their own funds (he has a PT job which pretty much exclusively funds weed, snacks and vaping) who has heard and chooses to ignore the risks.

And thanks everyone for not piling in with a chorus of you’re a shit parent

Well if he knows the risks you’ve told him! Let him be shit - tell him if he does X or Y in the house he’s out and mean it!

Why not arrange something weird and wonderful to do as a family? Pasteboards? Sky diving etc build up some ‘experiences’

An experience might be good thanks I’ll see I can find something not too expensive.

I have zero tolerance for drugs, smoking or vaping in or near the house and last time I smelt his weed in his bedroom (not smoking it but in a pot in an open a bag) I chucked it in the bin and have done the same with a vape after he thought it wouldn’t smell. Not had anything at home since but I know he does when he goes out.

@Frith2013 he has a job and by all accounts is pretty decent and very polite there as he is with all his mates parents, when grandparents come etc. And he can come home in the best mood and will be so lovely but the minute I ask him to do anything (or god forbid remind him to do it) he turns and a dark cloud descends.
As very typical example, I stripped his bed 3 days ago, washed and returned sheets same day and asked him to make his bed. If it’s not comfortable that’s his look out but I don’t want him ruining the mattress or pillows with his sweaty teenage body! I have asked at least 2 or 3 times each day so obviously I’m now nagging but it takes 5 minutes max to make the bed and then the conversation is over. I do do too much for him (both of them really) but usually for a quiet life especially if I’m feeling particularly hormonal so I don’t even ask and just do things myself so there’s really not a huge amount of stuff they get asked to do.

Apart from the weed (although difficult to deal with given he's funding it himself), nothing you've described sounds irredeemably awful or outside the realms of teen behaviour? Not that I'm saying you are wrong to expect better behaviour, but from your title I was expecting school exclusion, violence, police involvement.

I've got a good natured, capable but lazy, underachieving and vaping teen. I admit I do worry about him, but he is good natured and so kind and loving to his grandma that I figure he'll come round eventually.

Boys expect mum to cook and do the sheets, no?

And I think you are handling the weed issue sensibly by setting a zero tolerance policy at home. I wonder if perhaps this situation feels worse than it is because you are giving yourself such a hard time thinking that somehow you should be handling it better? Cut yourself some slack!

With the sheets example- leave him to it. What are you saving the mattress for? Or buy a mattress protector and let him do the sheets whenever. Find ways to cut out the instruction / demands. Life’s too short.

Yep I agree with the mattress - it’s his and not worth anything sold later - he’s old enough to replace his own mattress as he’s working!!

I wouldn’t get worked up about it - an alternative is ‘hey let’s get this bed sorted - grab a corner!’

I’d just back off and leave him alone. Stop asking about chores but stop doing much for him.

Are chores more important than saving your relationship with him and your husband?

I don't feel like I have much I can offer in the way of advice. My kids are too young and I was a pretty shitty 17 year old myself.

But, you are doing your best and you love your children. It sounds tough but keep going 🤍

Not in my house.

Honestly OP you sound like a great mum. I was vile as a teenager but I’m very close to my family as an adult.

Try to remember all the positives:

• he works: maintains a job, turns up on time, polite and respectful
• he’s in education
• he’s not in any trouble
• he’s nice and funny and can be really good company

For a 17 year old that’s not too bad! I agree with PP. Do less for him, nag him less. He’ll learn.

Boys expect mum to cook and do the sheets, no?

And girls don’t?

They can expect all they like …. Not happening