Please help me relax about this. DD and much needed freedom

[MoonFace23]

Hi,

So I know I'm a worrier and over protective. I won't pretend I'm not, but there are reasons why I'm more concerned than I should be about this.

My dd is 16 and has really struggled to make and keep friends. She desperately wants them, but is quite immature in some ways and almost too mature in others, so quirky you could say. She didn't really have any friends until secondary school, but even then it was one or two and they weren't really interested in meeting outside of school so much. Then covid hit and that also set her socialising practise back - a couple of years really.

Anyway, I know at 16 she should be going off with her friends into town for example, without me worrying, but the truth is, I do. Lots. She's going into town for the afternoon next week and I'm dreading it. I'm worried she'll be easily lead and naive to red flags. She does have a friend who has mental issues and who brags about meeting older boys/men and getting in their cars. She ran away with a friends a few weeks back and police had to get involved.

I know most will be shocked at me feeling like this at her age, but the circumstances have meant that she just hasn't done those things yet and now I'm panicking that she just hasn't developed those proper independent skills that she desperately needs.

Please, can anybody calm me down and tell me these worries are disproportionate to the situation? And if anyone has any experience with dc who maybe developed socially and independently a little slower, it would be great to hear from you too.

Thanks

Whilst in an ideal world a 16 year old would have much more freedom than she seemingly has, I can understand your concern. My eldest is only 10 so I've yet to navigate all this but I suppose given she hasn't had any freedom at all I would want to build up to just "hanging around" in town. Eg, dropping off at an activity - cinema, bowling, then picking up at a specified time. But I can see that might be mortifying for a 16 year old! Is she able to navigate public transport?

Being a parent you always worry. My sons are 31 and 27 and still at home and I still worry about them when they are out. They are both sensible, but the youngest wasn’t when younger, so I still cannot fully relax when he’s out. It gets better though. You say she’s going with friends, so more than 1, so that’s good. Has she got find my phone that you can track her, just to put your mind at rest where she is, rather than checking in on her.

Hi op. Mother of teen girls here.

I may have misinterpreted your post but the way I read it, I think there are two possibilities here:

~ either as you say you are being massively over-protective about an nt girl who has missed out on a lot thanks to Covid. But you know that the only way she will catch up is by going out and doing all the things!
She won’t get any wiser by staying in a cocoon at home.

~ or you are worried because of something deeper you are sensing about her. You describe her as “quirky” with few friends, easily led and naive. This may not be the case but does she have any sensory issues too? If so I would be looking in to the possibility that she may be autistic or have adhd which presents very differently in girls.

Either way, you need to allow her to build her independence gradually and your confidence in her too. You can do this by putting certain boundaries in place about her checking in with you half way through the outing, by agreeing a time when she should be back home, going over certain rules about not getting public transport late at night by herself and about drinking, and agree on a code word which means “call me to say that you need me back at home and come and get me now”. You can also invite her friends to your home to get to know them.

Finally, one of the hardest things about parenting a teen is letting them go and make their own mistakes so this might be a sign that you need to step back a bit op, and maybe distract yourself with a new hobby and do something to build up your own confidence as at some point teens stop needing a hands-on parent as much as a good role model. In some ways (neurodiversity aside) if you think you need your teen to grow up and become mature and more independent, and a happy balanced adult, then you need to model that to her.

Best of luck ; the teen years can really take it out of you in terms of worry and stress. 💐💐

@Acunningruse I did start with this a couple of years a go, but it only happened a couple of times, before it fizzled out again. Dp says it's ridiculous that I'm worrying so much about this and that what she's doing is well overdue and normal. I know that's true, but I think they forget how far behind they were. I'm not sure the deep end method is too much or absolutely what is necessary.

She's never been on public transport alone, only the school bus. She's not very good at working things out if something were to change and that's one of my main concerns.

@Mindymomo actually it is just the one friend now. I have actually stayed away from the tracker, only because I assumed I'd end up panicking more if it wasn't working properly, so may be counter productive at keeping my mind at rest. How accurate are they generally? What happens when you're in an area with poor signal for example? I guess this will happen a lot, hence my reluctance.

My DD is just 14 and goes into town and to the cinema with her crowd.

However they're all v sensible. If one of them had form for getting in men's cars, I would be as worried as you are!

@Suboptimumumma thank you. Very wise words. I think it is probably a bit of the latter tbh. We did look at having her assessed, but overall was doing quite well at school and not needing much, if any, intervention. We did start the process, but was told that she likely didn't have x or y because she could do this or that. I think had we gone privately, it would be a different story. It's something we often think about.

I haven't got lots of advice for you except you know you have to do it (she could be off to uni in a couple of years) and secondly I told my DD's that they could ALWAYS ring me- no matter what had happened. I'll collect first and discuss later.

You say she can’t navigate things- is that because she’s never given the chance?

you need to let go she’s 16 not 6. Agree on a time to be home and that she can call at any time.

Are you saying the friend ran away? She does have a friend who has mental issues and who brags about meeting older boys/men and getting in their cars. She ran away with a friends a few weeks back and police had to get involved.

Is she going with this friend? Because I don't think I would allow that, tbh.

I would let my 11 year old go into town with her two best friends (but none of them want to go alone yet) because they are both pretty sensible.

Have you agreed a "distress emoji"? Where she sends you an innocuous message with the emoji meaning she's not comfortable with the situation any more and you need to get her.

@Danikm151 it really has been circumstantial. It's not as simple as dc is x age now, so should be having x amount of freedom. There isn't a one size fits all template. I know I'm an anxious mum, but I also know she does need to do these things.

@PhotoExplosion no, I have put my foot down with that. She can come here, but that's it. It's a shame, because they get on well, but that was definitely a massive red flag and dd actually hasn't given me much push back on it. Of course she may turn up and I wouldn't know, but all I can do is say you stay away from these men, no matter who she says they are or how nice they're supposed to be.

Tbh reading all this back and thinking over things, she is quite sensible overall, but I worry the desperation to catch up and be where she wants to be, could cause her to make silly or dangerous choices.

Dts are 11 end of y7 and go into town together and with their mates. I hate it but it's life. At 16 she needs to go.

My sons are all in their 30s now, two were 'quirky' and I have always been overprotective I know but at that age I still dropped off and picked up (I had no objections from them to this or I may have had to re-think) and they knew they could ring me anytime and I would be straight to pick them up. This has happened twice as they got older in the early hours of the morning, once because he had left his friends, didn't like it in the nightclub and didn't know how to get home, think he was scared actually and I'm not surprised with what I saw in the city centre that time of night! The other son also rang me but that was because he couldn't get his drunk friend to walk to get transport home🤦 whatever the reason they knew they could ring and I would be there without them getting told off or having to explain themselves. The teenage years are harder than other stages to live through as a caring parent💐

There are things you can do - I speak as the mum of a quirky, undergoing asd assessment, introverted son.
Practise taking public transport - but you shadow her. Eg she looks up the timetable, buys the ticket, walks to the bus etc. She takes the lead. You are there but say nothing unless she is making huge mistakes - travelling in wrong direction/talking to randoms. Then have a drink in a cafe together. She ‘runs’ the travel back as well. It’s a good think to practice and builds confidence. You are there if needed but you don’t step in unless really needed.
We also talked through lots of scenarios bit by bit. Eg what do you do if…. Who would you call when… etc etc. We discussed things that had happened to friends/acquaintances eg a mugging in local shopping center. Trusting your gut was another thing we talked about. And friends who have your back.
I have used Find my phone - we call it stalk my teenager. However DH and I made it a rule never to use it to say you said you would be here but you were there. As curfews got later it gave me peace of mind. I once used it to help DS when he had a medical emergency to find a pharmacy.
Good luck!

Why don't you send her out on solo trips ; on foot ,bike or by bus, to the shops for a few groceries; to the library, to post a parcel at the PO, to buy something she needs for school.

When she wants to go off with friends, you can control the length of the outing
by arranging to pick her up at a set time and place.

You really need to get a grip on your own anxiety so it doesn't limit her life and undermine her confidence. In just two years time she will leave school and needs to have some basic skills in place (for university, or training, or getting a job).