How to strengthen sibling bond with large age gap and different sexes

[InTheNameOfTheTeaBag]

Hello. DD is 7 and Ds is 2. They get along all right mostly but I worry if they'll be close as older kids and adults. DD is very caring and affectionate with her brother except when he takes / breaks her stuff or hits her and ds loves to copy her and play with her but he also gets very jealous of her if she and me do anything together, keeps taking / breaking her stuff and lashes out at her when he's upset (even if he's not upset with her).

Any tips on how to strengthen their bond now and for the future? Also, would love to hear stories of similar combos (older sister, younger brother with an age gap of 5 years or more) and what the parents did right (or wrong). Thank you!!

5 years is a tiny age gap (I expected a gap of at least 10 years, when I opened the thread).

My brother was 6 years younger than me and 5 years younger than Dsis.

We were both hugely excited when DM was pregnant, as we'd have a 'male' for out playing. Unfortunately, Dbro never grew as fast as we expected. However, by the time Dbro was 5, it was easier, although we never really 'played' together, we did play some of the time.

When I hit my teens, it was harder as Dbro was still a 'baby' to us. But he did mature pretty quickly, having two sisters helped.

When he hit his teens we were much, much closer.

When Dbro died (3 years tomorrow), I can honestly say it devastated me, Ioved him like crazy and am typing this through tears.

You will get lots of comments on how to facilitate strengthening their bond, but let it grow organically. They will learn. Jealousy is to be expected. It sounds as if DS is the most jealous at the moment (which makes sense as when he was a baby he monopolised your time and attention). tell him off for breaking her things, but it's normal, even with smaller age gaps (Dsis and I fought like cat and dog and I was very, very jealous of her closeness with dad).

FWIW my DD1 has two older brothers, both 18 years older than her. Whilst they adore her and there is no jealousy, I'm sad she will never experience what my siblings and I experienced.

Eggy, I'm so sorry you lost your brother. And I am sorry if my post was painful to read for you especially considering the significance of tomorrow. Massive thanks for replying anyway and sharing your story.

It's lovely to hear that you were close and how much you loved him. And I think kids can learn so much from an older sibling. I know, I did.

Regarding the age gap, everyone I know in person has kids with an age gap of 3.5 years or less and on Mumsnet the average seems to be even less.

I am surprised at how jealous Ds is. I had expected jealousy from DD but not from ds as he's never had our undivided attention but maybe wanting that attention is ingrained and not just a matter of habit. I'm also worried though that maybe inadvertently I am doing something that is making ds feel insecure.

I honestly am not sure there’s much you can do. Treating them fairly will help and giving them equal attention but also they need to learn each of them might get more attention at different times. You can’t force a bond. My siblings and I get on fine but we’re not close - but it doesn’t bother me, we’re just different people.

Don't treat them differently, don't show favoritism, protect each of their things from the other one, enforce boundaries, never allow any violence. They will either like each other or they won't, you can't force it.

Exactly 5 years between my brother and myself. wasn't at all interested in him when he was born as I wanted a sister. I don't ever remember playing with him. We rarely see each other as we live 200 miles apart, but exchange Christmas and Birthday cards and emails.

Oh no. Do you know why you aren't close? Is there anything your parents could have done to help your relationship?

My siblings and I have large gaps and in some ways we're not close ( different countries or personalities) but we're close enough to step up when it's important like illness.

We fought like cat and dog when we were growing up but now we have our own families we're more invested in behaving like real adults.

Oh Eggy I am sorry. I lost my baby brother too (almost 10 years), it is so shit, in so many ways.

OP, IME personality is more of a deciding factor than age when it comes to sibling closeness. I was closer to my younger DB (12 year age gap) than my older DB (5 years). With my older I think it's partly that there was so much pressure to be close from my parents, which I pushed back against. Plus we are just very different.

Oh no. I'm sorry you lost your brother as well.

Do you remember what your parents did that put you off?

I think it's hard to actively do things to foster a bond. But it is important to create an environment where it's possible. We have big age gaps in our family and I have a 4 year gap between DS and DD. What I found is that the children need time together. But you can't say, "go play with your brother" as that just irritates them.

With my DC, holidays are brilliant as they're together and they land up playing games or chatting or joking or whatever. Ditto trips out on the weekends or visits to friends and so on.

Having things in common can help too - in the case of me and my big brother, it was having similar reading tastes. Obviously, that had to develop over time but as we got older, I'd raid his bookshelves and then eventually he started raiding mine. my DC did martial arts together in a mixed age class for a while which was nice - they'd come home and practice together etc.

My parents were strict on family dinner times. That may have helped too.

Sorry, my long message can probably be summarised as: give them an opportunity and space to create shared memories and activities. whatever those may be.

Age gap of 11 years between ds and dd. Ds is 20 now
and has always adored his little sister. I love hearing them chat away. He’s always loved her, even as a moody 14/15year old, she was the only one he had as smile for.

I also have an almost 3 year old, despite the almost 18 year age gap, she and ds are thick as thieves, they are so similar. My 9 year old is so close to her too, they play all the time.

I think a lot just depends on personality.

I have an 8 years younger brother and an older sister. We all get along well even though we love far apart now.

Things my parents did well.

Asked not expected babysitting as teens and paid us.

Redirected him when we got bored of playing with him but encouraged us to have fun together

Still gave us lifts as teenagers etc, didn’t stop doing things for us because of him and make us resent him.

My sister has kids in her early twenties and they loved having a young energetic teen uncle to play with.

I was more close with my sister who isb8 years older. My brother is 5 years older and we fought in the way my dc with a 3 year gap do. I get on equally well with them as adults though. I doubt there is anything you can do bar the obvious- treat them equally etc. it's likely they will fight frowning up like many siblings do. I feel I didn't with my Oder sibling as she was ost that she and took on more of a caring role and I looked up to get rather than the typical sibling relationship with younger db

I agree don't overthink it just do whatever comes naturally! I have a same age gap, both girls but I make sure to praise the eldest and say what a great big sister she is, also just as important to give them space from each other I think so they are not forced together all the time.

My eldest brother is 6 years older than me and we get on great! Speak at least once a week and see each other often.

5 years is nothing I thought it's 10 or 15.
Just make sure you spend quality time with both AND each alone. Don't make the older one more responsible and teach them kindness, don't stereotype that the small is the baby and the big one needs to lead. Love them both equally in everyway, don't create rivalry or big up one all the time. Don't just give hand me downs for the little one, let them have their own things and identity not leftovers.

5 years age gap with me and my DB. I followed him around as kids and pestered him but he was a kind soul and often let me play.
I don't think my parents did anything just usual family life. I do remember feeling sad when he left home for uni and the age gap seemed huge then.
However I visited him at uni with my mates for a weekend and things like that, and looked forward to him coming home.
We then hung out a lot when I finished uni as we ended up settling in the same town.
Apart from the obvious of keeping things fair and being a close loving family anyway it really comes down to them.
My DB could have moved on into adult life and ignored me but he was always happy to meet up so I have him to thank.
Perhaps there's a tip if you can chat to the eldest about letting the youngest into their life as they get older and how important a role model and friend they can be.
I also know of siblings that were not close when younger but are the best of friends now so it's just a hard one to predict!

I guess being fair is key though sometimes that's difficult as especially the little one struggles to understand that he can't have everything his older sister can.

6 year age gap between my DSDs, one is now 12 and one is 18.

We've found that as we're moving into the more complex years with 12, having an older sibling is an unexpected godsend - she talks more openly with her sister about school worries/friend dramas/concerns etc with her sister than she does with us, and 18 is old enough to know to share anything relevant. We then have a clearer picture of what is going on inside her head, and can act accordingly if necessary.

A lot of the time we don't need to, but there's been the occasional nugget of information that we've had to swoop on!