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Original poster

Should I confront a co worker

14 replies

Kiki29 · 04/07/2023 19:52

Hi so I have a co worker who was my mentor when I first started the job and me and her grew close. She’s 30 years older than me so I looked at her as a mum figure, I got a new role and moved teams. I told her something confidential as it was something I thought I could share with her. Today I found out she told our boss and which made things uncomfortable for me today. I’m hurt that I thought of this person as more than a colleague and she has done this. Should I confront her about it or just leave it and keep my distance?

OP posts:

Remotecontrolatmyside · 04/07/2023 19:56

Confront is a strong word. Talk to her, yes.

tokonami · 04/07/2023 19:58

I wouldn't talk to her, it's a life lesson for you to keep your boundaries at work.
She told her boss to absolve her from any consequences of this secret you shared with her, it might have been her duty to report or just protecting herself.
She's not your mum or your mentor. I'm sorry. You have to learn to confide in the right people like a life long friend who has also shared personal things with you or a licenced therapist.

WhatADrabCarpet · 04/07/2023 19:58

It rather depends on what the confidence is.

Was it purely personal or was it something that could have a serious impact on your job/team/company?

LordEmsworth · 04/07/2023 20:01

Confront means, square up to someone in an aggressive way to provoke an argument. Is that really what you mean?

I'd learn a lesson & give her a wide berth in future. At worst, have an "I'm not angry just disappointed" conversation. I wouldn't be offering her outside.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 04/07/2023 20:08

Leave it and swerve her when you can. Sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action. It’s done and any repercussions from what’s she has divulged will already be in play. Save your energy for dealing with that if needs be.

Talking to her is not going to change anything, and will probably make things worse. Having been in your situation myself, that my take on it.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/07/2023 20:09

She shouldn't have shared information you had told her confidentially if she knew it was being said with the intentions of confidentiality. The only real exception to that is in a safeguarding situation if she felt it was necessary because you were vulnerable and at risk.

This is an important lesson in maintaining professional boundaries though, she may have been older and helpful but that didn't make her a mum figure. You need to ensure you are careful about what you share at work and who you trust.

Tetchypants · 04/07/2023 20:11

I’d probably ask her, calmly, why she told the boss but say very little else. But.. more information needed really, depends what it was and how it impacts work.

Original poster

Kiki29 · 04/07/2023 21:01

Thank you all for your responses, Another job came up within the company which I was eager to apply for and another colleague applied for it and due to them being there longer I was hesitant to do so out of respect for them. So I spoke to her about it. Lesson definitely learned

OP posts:

Superdupes · 04/07/2023 21:15

Kiki29 · 04/07/2023 21:01

Wow there really was no reason for her to tell your boss that you might apply to another job, there's nothing wrong with you doing that but it's awkward for you that she told your boss and not her place to do so - why do you think she did it?

I would just back right away from that situation I think as she'll either just make up some lie or it'll turn nasty. I don't think there's anything to gain by talking to her about it - she'd probably go and report that too!

Original poster

Kiki29 · 04/07/2023 21:37

I can’t understand it myself and I believe she may have told our boss that the other colleague applied aswell which puts me in a bad position too. I really feel betrayed in a way for trying to be honest with someone

OP posts:

HolyMolyGoodness · 04/07/2023 21:55

There may have been honest / good intentions. It may have been a mistake or a blunder.

if you are friends, I would talk to her and if she is really your friend, she will offer an explanation and apology.

NumberTheory · 04/07/2023 22:01

What are you hoping to achieve by talking to her?

It doesn't sound like there's much point, you just need to learn from it and not trust her in the future.

Why does applying for another job internally put you in a bad position with your boss? Wouldn't they find out as soon as you applied, anyway? Or is the company culture more backstabby than that?

drpet49 · 04/07/2023 22:11

Nasty cow did it on purpose to make you look bad. I would never trust her again.

WashableVelvet · 04/07/2023 22:28

Did she know you wanted this to be confidential? In my workplace’s culture, people will frequently have discussions between managers about who applies for what internal roles as part of normal succession planning.

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