DD13 with ADHD. Private vs state school decision

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Hi. My DD13 has combined ADHD, mostly inattentive. She's very disorganised but it's just about meeting expectations in her state school. She has some friends there, although not many, and often complains that people are unkind to her.

Im considering a local private school with small class sizes (up to 16). It'd be a big stretch financially but doable. Today she had a taster day and said she's not going there. It's too boring, apparently. She says only 6-10 kids were in class (depending on the period) and they were dull 🙄. I'm not sure if she's correct (I'll ask) but if the classes are indeed that small, I wonder how vibrant the learning environment can be.

I just don't know what to do. If she stays in the state school, I'd have a lot more disposable income to provide support, I guess, and other experiences. But I worry she'll end up with the wrong kind of friends, especially as she's quite immature for her age and impressionable.

Any thoughts?

Okay, so she's on medication. That's good! And in that case, smaller classes and more individual attention may help her a lot. It really depends though on the private school and whether they have a proactive SENCo and good SEN provision. You say that it's supposed to be good. Have you met with the SENCo and asked what sort of support they'd be able to provide, because I wouldn't take a 'supposedly' as good enough if I was going to be spending large amounts of family money to educate one DC, possibly to the detriment of your other two DC. You really need to convinced that this intervention is going to worth it.

The other thing to consider is how all your DC will feel if you choose to spend the family travel budget on the education of only one of them. While they may not fully understand that now, they will probably figure it out in future. Will you still be able to afford to have some nice experiences as a family? Would your DD going to this private school mean a less expensive holiday or would mean no holiday at all? Days out with the family, or very little money for any leisure activities. The former, fine, the latter will be very hard on everyone.

and possibly breed resentment.

Yea, that's something I agonise about. My older child is 15 and tells me he understands that his sister has needs he hasn't got, but I'm not sure what he'll think in the future.

We'll still be able to afford some holidays and days out, but it'll certainly feel tight money-wise.

I will get in touch with the SENCO at the private school, thanks for the tip.

One other thing I'll say about private vs. state is that private isn't necessarily better and that you don't necessarily get what you pay for. Private schools are hugely variable. Some are excellent, attract excellent teachers, are well-run, get great results, have great facilities and turn out well-rounded individuals who mostly achieve their potential, so are 'worth it'. But many aren't like that. So look under the bonnet, kick the tyres and if you know people whose DC go to the school ask them for their honest appraisal and whether they think the school has problems or areas of weakness.

Private school is only worth the money if the child suits the school and you think they'll thrive there, its not a matter of private is better just because you're paying. It sounds like the private school you looked at isn't the right fit and your DD has also told you this. But there will be schools out there that fit her like a glove.

You have 2 other DC to consider, fee paying school for their sibling will impact their lives too so if you are going to do this you need to be very very sure its the right thing for everyone. If you have a diagnosis you may be able to get EA contributory funding for private if you can successfully argue that you have tried mainstream and it isn't meeting her needs and the private school can. But you'll need a lot of evidence that mainstream is failing her. If your DD is particularly good at something eg. sport its worth finding a school with a big focus on that and letting them give her a trial, even if it means boarding, then applying for a bursary. Some schools are keen to offer bursaries so its nothing to shy away from, they're all different. You don't ask you don't get.

I think to counter balance the impact financially on your other children though, is to consider the impact on family life if your DD finds school increasingly difficult. I have a friend whose DD found it increasingly hard to cope at school and the impact on their family as a whole was huge. I know I experienced this when my DS fell apart at school last year ( although primary).

I do agree though that actually finding a private school with proper SEN support is extremely difficult - particularly for ADHD ( although it sounds like your DD isn’t that disruptive).

Should add - I actually think finding a perfect fit school for a child with ADHD is (sadly) pretty rare ( for a lot the school system just doesn’t work). So all you can do is make what you think is the best compromise decision at the time on what you know. There will be downsides to most schools ( and many (but not all of course - ADHD kids just won’t really like any school you show them!). I now see school as something by to get through with my DC with their self confidence as intact as possible.