Uninterested in laws… it’s rubbish

[forallitsworth]

TL:DR- My OH’s family just don’t bother with him, or us.

I understand it’s probably not uncommon. He has a very small family, a lovely aunt who might as well be his mother, his mother (law unto herself) an uncle who lives in the next town with his long term girlfriend and a cousin who’s having a fab time travelling the world solo for all we can tell. Nobody has kids yet and it will likely be only us that do - hopefully soon..ish

Now aside from his aunt and her husband (both 60s) nobody cares or takes an interest in us. We try really hard with them and have done over the years, popping over to theirs, helping them with house moves, giving them lifts, basically just doing what family does and I never thought twice about it until recently. Someone pops a message in the family group chat and it gets reactions from every adult. We post something and it gets entirely ignored apart from his aunt who is so lovely and always tries to respond to everything. It’s every time. She seems to think there is some jealousy from them in the mix and that might be why (who knows why!)
OH buys thoughtful birthday gifts and takes the time to send a nice card, yet for his birthday recently he got nothing from any family member in fact they didn’t even text or call him to say happy birthday. Two word text message takes literally two seconds to type and send.

They don’t know a thing about what’s going on in our lives and it makes me sad. It’s not through lack of our trying. I understand people have busy lives but it more seems they are just all very self interested. I can excuse the cousin as they’re living their best life, but the others read and ignore my and his messages yet continue to chat amongst themselves. It’s rude. I would love more family times and togetherness but you can’t force this kinda thing right?

It really baffles me how things can be one sided. Does anyone else have this kind of dynamic?

My own parents are lovely and interested so seeing the opposite is strange I guess

Just bumping this

That sounds awful for you. Can you talk to them about it?

They just aren’t bothered I think that’s the main thing

I could have wrote that !! They are disinterested so we have distanced ourselves to the point they HAVE to come and see use but in all honesty it’s just Christmas and there less than 5 miles away. I used to feel really sad about it because I had a great relationship with my gran but now I don’t stress over and laugh to my kids that I’ll be all over there life

What view does your OH have on this? He’s obviously grown up with these relatives and will know the family background, dynamics, and everyone’s different characters. Has he ever had a good relationship with his mother? Has his uncle always been aloof and distant? Your post gives the impression that it’s all a bit of a strange mystery why they aren’t interested in you, but I very much doubt it’s a mystery to your OH at all. I think the best thing to do is to encourage him towards some kind of talking therapy regarding his relationship with his mother, which I imagine has been difficult since his childhood, and to stop trying to get involved in the lives of and give gifts to the uncle and his girlfriend and the cousins: they aren’t interested in reciprocating.

As somebody who isn’t close with and doesn’t have anything in common with my aunts or uncles or cousins either, I just don’t see them as vital relationships to nurture. We happen to be vaguely blood related, but if I knew them in any other context I doubt we’d be interested in each other, and some genetics doesn’t change that. I have my immediate family and a lot of friends, and these are the people I’m interested in spending time with and supporting. I’d suggest you do likewise and try to focus on and / or build up a wide circle of friendships, of people you actually share commonality and values with, rather than trying to force relationships “because family.”