What is it like with 3 children?

[changedagain2023]

I've just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant. I have a 4 year old and 7 year old already. I don't think having a third is right for us. We don't have much space, we have very little support, and money is tight.

So I wondered for those of you who have three, what is life actually like? What's the best bit and worst bit? Does it make your house feel even smaller?

Bump

I have 3 (11,5&3) we’re lucky we have just about enough space. Everyone has their own rooms but the house does feel quite overwhelmingly cluttered with toys etc some times. I’m sure that will change as they get older and don’t need toys in the living room. We had to a bigger car but had planned for that.

I have to say I love it. I’m really lucky that all my kids get on really well so we don’t really have too many fights or tantrums which makes it easier.

I would say that it does make things like days out more expensive and with the age gap it can mean that someone doesn’t always have much that they want to do

I loved it, but I always knew I wanted three. Life was very busy when they were small and we didn't have masses of spare money but we have so many lovely memories. They're all adults now and have their own DC and I love seeing the cousins enjoying each others company.
Never regretted having a third for one minute.

I have the same gap as you. Youngest is now 5 yrs. I found he just slotted in with life! Was nice too as middle had just started school when he was born so I had time just the two of us. I think you can make it work if it's what you want.

How does it work with after school activities and having friends over? Do some of the children just miss out? My partner occasionally has to work away for a week at a time, and I work long shifts so it's hard enough at the moment but with a third one I can't imagine. At the moment grandparents help occasionally with older two but they wouldn't manage with a baby/toddler as physically they aren't great, we don't have any spare money for out of hours childcare. I just can't see how it could work for us but feel terrible about it.

Pros: another dc!
Long term another sibling for first two
More cousins in the next generation
No straight comparisons between 1st two
Different sex mix

Cons:
Car seats
Hotel rooms on holiday
Outnumbered
Could have big age gap sharing a room?
General costs

It is absolutely horrendous, I really regret having a third and if I had my time again I would not do it.

Sorry to hear this tomato can I ask why?

@heartofglass23 'Pros: another dc!' I feel like people always forget this bit

Mine are 5, 2 and 2. Twins were an unexpected gift - I love having 3 and would totally have had more...but ex husband on the other hand couldn't cope and walked out when they were babies. Having 3 is relentless and tiring but I love it. Obvious impacts are car sizes, houses in my area are affordable - just - for a 3 bed but unaffordable for most normal incomes for a 4 bed which means 2 will always share. Something I worry about with the age a lot of children live at home until now. Holidays are obviously expensive and it can be hard to find a premier inn that will let you have 2 adults and 3 kids in one room. It's the little things really like swimming pool ratios - some are 2 to 1 adult so you can't take 3 on your own or some like Butlins and centre parks are 1-2-1. Lots of places have free for young kids but only if they are sitting on your knee - so if you have 2 close in age - or multiples like me - you can't take advantage of the free tickets. You are outnumbered so one is always going to be getting less attention. But I couldn't terminate but that's just me - I'd make it work x

I loved it so much, we had another!

I adore having a tribe. dh & I are both the eldest of 3, and had great childhoods.

Follow your gut instinct. You know what is right for you and your family.

It’s a much bigger jump than one to two. I am exhausted and feel like I’m constantly spinning plates BUT I adore them and my heart and table are full. I can already see how lovely it will be to watch them grow up together.

My gut instinct is that it's not right for my family, and I need to focus on the children I have. I suffer with mental health and try and put everything into being an ok mum (but often get it wrong). We are older parents, I had terrible PND with both babies. I think we would struggle as a family. My partner strongly thinks it wouldn't be right for us, but he said it's my decision and he will agree with whatever I choose.
Theres part of me that is wondering what if? I think I will feel enormous guilt whatever decision I make.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in real life

I have three. When they were little I found it really really hard - mainly because DC3 was a terrible sleeper (by far the worst of the three) and a tricky toddler. Now they're teens and they're all really sporty, which is great, but it means that getting them all to training and matches is a military operation!

I have regretted it at times but they are lovely too.

I was in a similar situation just over a year ago. We decided to have a termination. I felt that we just couldn't give enough to three children, love wasn't enough in our deciding factors. I don't regret the decision at all, I'd still love to have more children but not at the expense of my existing children. We felt it wasn't fair to jeopardise their futures despite knowing they'd love another sibling.
Babies and young children are cheap, you can get so much second hand, lots of fun park / beach / picnic trips that are free. We knew we could handle a babies cost but what about driving lessons, uni contributions, help with house deposits / weddings? X3 that was spread too thin.
Just sharing my experience. The advice I got was 'you'll cope, you'll be fine' which I do believe, we definitely would have coped but I wanted to thrive.

Sorry if this is upsetting I just wanted to share my experience in a similar situation. I hope you feel peace with whichever path you choose.

Mine were 4 and 6 when I had my third. I absolutely love having 3. We were already cramped in a (very nice) 2 bed apartment and are still here for various reasons. The baby is now 17 months and still in with us and the other two share a room. Its cluttered etc but that's because it's a small place.

I struggle to keep on top of the housework but always manage it. The third baby is a real mix of the first two and it's fascinating and fun to see. She is sleeping through the night now and I'm almost back to my prepregnancy weight. I'm back at work too and generally feeling back to myself. I love having 3. I feel like my children have gained so much from having the baby to dote over, and the baby gets so much affection and attention from her older siblings. We have no family support at all and it works for us.

You have really summed up how I feel, especially about wanting to thrive and not just manage. This has helped unscramble some of my thoughts thank you

@changedagain2023 please please go and talk this through with a medical professional. It is very clear what is best for you, from your posts, and so you need to take the relevant steps.

Please don't feel guilty. You have a choice, exercise that right. It's a big decision, but you already have yourself, DH and two children to take care of.

Sending you courage, and hoping that you receive the care that you need during this time.

I love having 3 and would have had more given the choice but it is hard! We have no help from family. The eldest 2 get on amazingly and are so close. They do leave the youngest out, even though they are all close in age. One child will complain about anything I suggest doing as a family. Managing 3 lots of out of school activities requires a level of organisational skills that I do not have.

Only you can decide but from a practical point of view if you are considering not continuing then I would call BPAS or whoever is in your area now because there can be quite long waits for treatment at the moment.

I chose and wanted 3 kids, so I kind of roll with the punches a bit because it's worth it for me. However, if I'd been pushed into this, and I didn't really want it, and I was already predisposed to think it was going to be a disaster, then there would be many, many times when I would think this was a mistake.

I think you need to prioritise your own health, both mental and physical, and then the children you already have.
You say you are older - that potentially comes with its own problems for both you and the baby.

For us, we stopped at two because like someone said above, we want to thrive not just exist. We have a great life partly because we have plenty of spare cash. A third would have meant just getting by. Babies are cheap, but teenagers are extortionately expensive! And realistically in the future without significant help from us, I can’t imagine how they’d ever be able to buy a house without our help. Possible with two, not so much with three.

DH is one of three, they don’t have a particularly harmonious sibling relationship, in fact of all the people I know that are one of three, as adults they are always arguing, and that’s not counting the ones that don’t have anything to do with one another!

Hi OP, just wondered what decision you and your family came to? Hope you're well!

I know it's a thread from July but I must have been the most anxious parent when I found out I was having baby no 3. Now that baby is here she's amazing and I'm not sure why I was so worried. All my fears went away and it got much better once all the pregnancy hormones had passed. My 2 other kids love her and adore her.