For full disclosure, I'm bad enough that I've been to A&E 6 times since April - 4 times in June alone - and know 111 ie when I start speaking to them they recognise me now. I've got a CMHT/CPN and care plan etc.
There is a background of v complex and prolonged trauma in childhood, I've been on a waiting list for therapy for over a year. Now being told I've got to do 2-3 months of intensive CBT before I can start doing proper psychology therapy.
I've previously had at least 11-12 bouts of therapy (admittedly, of that, only three times has it ever proven useful.)
I've had anxiety problems since I was about 3 years old which fits with my childhood experiences. That's now about 30 years.
I'm absolutely exhausted with constantly worrying about illnesses. The current worry I've got I've had for over a decade. That's a decade of having the same worry most or all of the time. For at least 5 years it's had a profound effect on daily life, i.e. I don't leave the house, exercise, some days I can't even stand up from bed because of it.
I try to switch worries just so I can give my brain a break but I can't. Even though I work in the NHS and know there's millions of things can go wrong.
Have tried the DARE method but my brain just says, 'what if I'm the one person where they've got it wrong and there is something serious?'
Used to have different worries about contamination and poisoning, and other intrusive thoughts. Used to eg wash my shoes 6 times after coming in from outside in case I had stood on something poisonous. I wish I could go back to that as that was easier to deal with (cleaning and checking).
I've had lots of different SSRIs, have been told no-one is willing to change my meds just now as it'll potentially make things even worse in the short term. Never been admitted to hospital directly for mental health, never been an inpatient in a psychiatric unit. It's never been offered, and I was brought up with my mother telling me stories about her own inpatient stays in the 80s that's terrified me of ever asking.
It's having a negative effect on relationships as I cling to the 2-3 people I feel safe with, if I'm anxious enough I'll text/email them every single day in some sort of attempt to feel reassured and safe. I've just had to email 1 friend apologising profusely for emailing her 25 times this week.
I want a normal life, want a job, friends, a partner and kids, to be able to just get up and do the dishes without worrying I'll become seriously ill whilst doing so.
I don't know what to do anymore and am so, so tired and feel so alone. NHS just say, watch a film or have a cup of tea or a shower, or go for a nap. But when you wake up its just the same all over again.