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Original poster

How would you feel if...

46 replies

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 20:23

Your DH went through your bedside drawers?

I have got home today after a day out and suspect my DH has done this.

Mine are full of crap admittedly, but it is still 'my' space. I did have something in there he had no knowledge of. This has been thrown into conversation as oh I found x whilst searching for blah blah. It is obvious what he was looking for is not in my drawers. I said oh where did you find x? And he said somewhere else. Later as part of the search, i asked specifically if he had gone though my drawers, he said no.

But i know for a fact that it was in there. Noone else knew about it. It was mine and mine alone.

And now I feel...actually I dont know how I feel. I have claimed ignorance "oh I forgot about that" and havent said I know, or suspect that he has lied.

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 01/07/2023 21:23

SparklingLime · 01/07/2023 21:21

You surely need your own bank account so that you can start to save an emergency fund that he can't access?

This. First thing on monday.

WTFAreYouForReal · 01/07/2023 21:24

Can you leave him?

This doesn't sound like a good relationship.

MossCow · 01/07/2023 21:25

Why are you not going ballistic?

Because she's clearly in a bad situation and she doesn't want to be in a worse one. She knows he's up to something and she's trying to keep things on an even keel until she knows what to do for the best.

WTFAreYouForReal · 01/07/2023 21:26

My dh wouldn't take anything of mine, and he wouldn't rummage around my spaces. He can, and there's nothing secret there but there's also nothing of interest to him there either.

BreviloquentBastard · 01/07/2023 21:27

The searching wouldn't bother me but my bedside drawers are not "mine" so it's not really the same thing. There's stuff in there we both might use or need.

It'd be the lying that bothered me. Why lie? And what was he looking for?

Original poster

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 21:29

20 years of joint bank accounts means I cant easily just go oh ok I have new bank account now. Why would I? All our finances are tied. Everything. And actually I have an online account technically- opened when the shit was worse, pre sober days, that sits empty. But where do I get the money from to put in it?! That's always been the issue. Both salaries go into the joint account, always have. All Bill's come out automatically. No "reason" to have another account.

OP posts:

Original poster

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 21:30

He wasnt looking to find something to sell..he was looking for paperwork for the dc.

OP posts:

Original poster

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 21:32

His salary fast outweighs mine. A stumbling blackness always going to he that I cant afford the mortgage on my own, or rent as that's even higher. And yes, I work full time. Plus he was turning one dc against me and they were going to go with him. I was never going to give up my dc so I stayed.

OP posts:

Original poster

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 21:33

BreviloquentBastard · 01/07/2023 21:27

The searching wouldn't bother me but my bedside drawers are not "mine" so it's not really the same thing. There's stuff in there we both might use or need.

It'd be the lying that bothered me. Why lie? And what was he looking for?

We each have our own. No idea what's in his, I have never looked!! Lotions and potions and stuff in mine. And never paperwork. And never would.thenpaperwork be in a ring box!! Maybe he was curious, oh what's this? But then found the money? But then lied about it! I am.so.confused?

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 01/07/2023 22:20

InsideMyDrawers · 01/07/2023 21:29

Sounds like you're in a hellish situation, OP. Open an account that you can pay small amounts of cash into regularly via ATM.
Eg Santander. It's a small start, but it's something.

Did you see a lawyer about your situation re divorce?

Thegoodbadandugly · 01/07/2023 22:23

Not sure why you have a problem with this.

Thegoodbadandugly · 01/07/2023 22:23

Sorry haddnt read through all posts.

frazzledasarock · 01/07/2023 22:28

When you go shopping take small amounts of money out as cash advances and pay into your own account.

how old are your dc?

greenspaces4peace · 01/07/2023 22:29

okay so this is clearly not him finding your personal mini vibrator that he didn't know you used.
and what "papers" was he looking for? notes for your divorce lawyer?
i've been with my dh many many years, lying/stealing etc were all discussed many many moons ago. equally covered with the kids, now grown adults. zero tolerance for that in our household zero!

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/07/2023 23:14

DH & I each have our own bedside draws. We keep our underwear and me toiletries / medication (and erm, ‘personal items’) etc in there. They are personal in that I would never expect / allow the kids or anyone else in them but wouldn’t be bothered by DH going in them if looking for something specific.
DH has occasionally put cash in his if he’s done a job that’s paid cash for example, and he might put other receipts etc he’s taken out of his pockets in there. So I may occasionally go in his if I needed to find anything like that.
Hand on heart if i saw a ring box I didn’t recognise, my instinct would be to open it. I wouldn’t lie about it though. That’s the part that bothers me. Not him looking in my drawers.

OutsidInInsideOut · 01/07/2023 23:19

It wouldn't bother me. He can take what he wants of mine and visa versa.
I cant think of a single thing that i would be bothered about if he touched.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/07/2023 23:38

Well I would be bothered.

Now if I was married to a nice decent guy who had my own best interests at heart and he was looking for something and happened to look in my drawer, then that wouldn't bother me.

If I was married to somebody who I was unsure of and who is very problematic then yes, I would want privacy.

Financially, have you thought how it would work out if you did get divorced? By the way, if he's routine in your drawers then he's also capable of looking at your search history so be very very careful.

Of course you should be able to say yes I had that money put by because your drinking was so bad and I didn't know how I would manage financially if we split up. It's very telling that you can't say that.

dudsville · 01/07/2023 23:42

If I'm reading you correctly then in your situation i would feel anxious, wary and maybe scared. He's taken control over an aspect of your independence.

WTFAreYouForReal · 02/07/2023 20:44

You can get cashback on your shopping so it looks like its part of the food shop bill.

WTFAreYouForReal · 02/07/2023 20:46

How you'd get that into your online account, I don't know.

There is an account where you can round up at the till and send a bit to it.

FatLarrysBanned · 02/07/2023 21:35

Do your wages fluctuate each month? How much close attention does he pay to what goes in as long as the bills are covered? My employer split a colleagues wages into 2 separate accounts, the bulk going into a joint account and a small amount going into her own account, it was enough for her to build up a cushion for a deposit and some furniture. This was in the days before cashback though.

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