My dad is late 50s and doesn’t work, no health issues but doesn’t do anything all day so uses me as entertainment.
I have a busy life with a job and 3 children, but he insists on long phone calls daily. Up until around a month ago he would call me over minor things then keep me talking as long as possible, sometimes an hour or more. It annoyed me so much I gradually stopped answering my phone and made it clear I would only talk on my terms where I would call him when I was free. Even saying bye and hanging up was a 10 minute job.
I understand he’s lonely and bored, but it isn’t my responsibility particularly when he knows I am busy and have my own life. I’ve encouraged him to see friends and get a hobby or job, but he sees me as filling those needs and doesn’t understand why I can’t answer when he wants to spontaneously chat.
When he divorced his wife a few years back I had to teach him how to be an independent adult, such as paying bills and using an oven, something you’d expect a parent to do for their child and not the other way around. I think he now sees me as a motherly figure to rely on. I’ll give him requested advice or instructions and he’ll tell me I’m wrong and why.
The reason for the post that has now got my back up more is because he is constantly judgemental and rude to me during these phone calls lately.
He badmouths my sister (his other child) and her husband for no reason at all, just talks about their house choice and how they raise their children. My sister refuses to talk to him and will text once or twice a month out of politeness, he knows I feel guilty about ignoring him so he relies on me to be there for him instead of her. He won’t chase her up for ignored messages, but if I do it I will be bombarded with 10 missed calls in a row, he once even googled my husbands work number to ask him why I wasn’t answering my phone (I was breastfeeding my newborn baby, whom he never asked about)
He criticises my choices and never shows any happiness for me. For example I was offered my dream job I’d trained for prior to having my children, rather than congratulating me he was putting me down for accepting the job 10 minute drive away when my current job was walking distance. “Why would you do something as stupid as that, just wait and find something better”.
He has put my husband down for not taking a job he found him and text over, “because it would mean we can afford better quality food” despite the fact he already earns more than that job offered and we have no difficulty in buying food. He turned up at my house with a woman he’d just met via a friend, trying to force her on me as my new step mum, she made herself at home and I had to lie about an appointment to get rid of them. He’s told me what car I can and can’t drive based on his personal preference. When I was heavily pregnant and unwell in hospital with pre eclampsia he told me I was lazy and selfish for sleeping in the day as he couldn’t get hold of me. No concern for my health or his granddaughter (we were fine). He bought a dog and couldn’t cope with it so expected me to rehome it for him, I said no as we have a dog and a full home already and he was angry with me, I hung up out of anger he would carelessly buy an innocent dog he didn’t want then try and force me to have it. He told me I spend too much time with my children 1-1 because my son should be with his dad to grow into a real man and my daughters should be with me more to learn how to be a mum and wife, I stupidly let that sexist comment go but I’m still angry about it.
These are just a few examples but it’s made me strongly dislike him the more I speak to him. Every time I speak to him I come away in a bad mood, which sometimes makes me unfairly snap at my husband or children for the rest of the day. The things he says play on my mind and make me angry. He’s my dad so of course I care for him, but he’s very difficult to like and I’m just thankful I don’t see him in person since we moved an hour away.
Deep down I want to cut him off, but I feel guilty as he has no family and I don’t want to regret it when he’s passed, even though my sister actively encourages me to stop talking to him.
There’s no use telling him he’s offensive or rude as he doesn’t see it, he’s too stuck in his ways and he’s capable of being aggressive.
I temporarily blocked his number for a break last year and he sent out a search party as he thought something had happened to me. I lied and told him my phone was broken and I’ll be in touch when it’s fixed, it was a lovely peaceful few weeks. I felt bad and gave him another chance and that’s when the rudeness and insults got worse. Now I feel stuck because I dread when my phone rings it will be him. I now only answer once a week and keep it short, but it still feels like too much. I’ve asked him to text in future so I can reply quickly, but he still phones me and assumes I’m free to chat as I had a few seconds to reply. I’m sick of lying to avoid him when he should realise he’s crossing major boundaries and must be aware in my voice I don’t want to talk or care about what he’s watching on tv.
Would you grin and bare it or go no contact? I don’t know what to do to make it stop.