It's the 2nd anniversary of DH's death today

Comety · 2023-06-30T06:45:09+00:00

I'm mostly "OK". My younger son is not OK and that's really hard, but I've made a new life for myself, developed a new social group, (because frankly the old one was rubbish after his death and I was no longer part of a convienient couple!), have a new exciting job to start in a couple of weeks and am doing OK. I shall go for a run where we scatted his ashes after work and have a takeaway and a chat, maybe a beer, in his memory with DC later. Would you expect anyone else to remember?

GoldSilverBronzeTan · 30/06/2023 07:47

Don’t wait for people to reach out - tell them what today is!

Would you like to share a story about them? How did you meet?

xxx

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 07:47

I am very sorry op

please don’t give any thought to whether others remember. It isn’t important.

I certainly imagine his parents and siblings will remember though

Original poster

Comety · 30/06/2023 07:49

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 07:47

I am very sorry op

please don’t give any thought to whether others remember. It isn’t important.

I certainly imagine his parents and siblings will remember though

It's a very long and unhappy story, but we (he was) were very low contact with his family and they cut me and DC off as soon as they heard about his death. Didn't come to the funeral.

OP posts:

Weal · 30/06/2023 07:49

Hi op. Lots of kind thoughts for you and your children on this anniversary. 2 years still feels a relatively short amount of time but it sounds like you have worked hard to build up a new normal for yourself.

I would hope close family members and friends would recall the date. However I suspect many will not as people tend to be very busy and wrapped up in their own stuff, even the lovely supportive ones.

I hope you a have a peaceful run through where his ashes were scattered. Sounds like a lively way to remember him and cope with the day.

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 07:50

Ok.

Please don’t spend today thinking about all that and getting to the end of the day and seething that no one remembered.

You remembered. Your son remembered. That is all that is important

treacledan71 · 30/06/2023 07:50

Thinking of you and your family today. Good luck in your new job. X how old is your younger son? Some people may remember I think sometimes time just goes and people don't realise dates not in selfish way though. Xx

Weal · 30/06/2023 07:51

Just to add to my previous comment. Maybe promoting people is fine too. “I’m off for a run later where we scattered x ashes. Will be having a drink to remember him if you would like to join us”. If you’re feeling a need for people to support, sometimes it’s good to be proactive in reaching for it. iF that’s what you want.

Original poster

Comety · 30/06/2023 07:53

treacledan71 · 30/06/2023 07:50

Thinking of you and your family today. Good luck in your new job. X how old is your younger son? Some people may remember I think sometimes time just goes and people don't realise dates not in selfish way though. Xx

He's just 20, DH hung on to see him turn 18. He's had a horrible time with work and study over the last 2/3 years, much of it down to lockdown, even without his father's illness and death compunding everything.

OP posts:

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 30/06/2023 07:57

I feel for you OP, sorry for your loss. My DH died a few years ago and to answer your original question, I am afraid in my experience that no-one is likely to remember the date past maybe the first year. Personally I like to keep busy on the anniversary but in a low key way which seems to be what you are doing too.

Well done for picking yourself up and moving forward.

User5653218 · 30/06/2023 08:01

I hope you have a peaceful day op.

I forgot to acknowledge the anniversary of my uncle's death. I was thinking about him off and on all day and thought "oh I'll write a nice message to my aunt while I'm on my tea break/on the bus home/ and ended up not sending it at all. I'd have been better just sending a quick few words when I thought of it rather than planning a lovely thoughtful message and sending nothing.

So even if you don't get any messages don't assume people haven't thought of your dh. They might just be shit like me.

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2023 08:06

If there is someone in particular you'd like to talk to or reminisce with drop them a line or call them.
I think many people hold back for fear of being intrusive.
But yes anniversaries can get lost - doesn't mean that person wasn't loved or isn't missed now though.
Best wishes to you and your son

Dazzylazzy · 30/06/2023 08:13

I’m sorry for your loss. Even if no-one contracts you they may be thinking of you. I find anniversaries don’t stick in my mind. I have no idea what dates my grandparents died on (I was in my 20’s so not a child) I do remember their birthdays and think about them then. So people may just remember it was summer not the actual date. I hope today passes peacefully for you.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 30/06/2023 08:18

Bless you @Comety.

What you say about reinventing your social life, and no longer bring part of a convenient couple resonates very much with DM's experience of young widowhood. DSis and I were about the same ages as your boys must've been.

After a few years people who are not immediate family don't remember the day, but they remember the person. In time, the sadness becomes bittersweet.

I wish you and your boys a peaceful day x

Baneofmyexistence · 30/06/2023 08:22

My niece died a few years ago and honestly I think about her most days. I remember the date and always text my sister to say I am thinking of her. But even if I didn’t I am always thinking of her and missing her. I’m sure people will be thinking of your DH in their own way. Sending you much love and sorry for your loss xx

Ominot · 30/06/2023 08:30

Tell them, people are remarkably absorbed with their own lives and also death makes them very uncomfortable so it’s almost a coping mechanism. My lovely DD died, it’s almost 10 years ago, people rarely mention her. I bumped in to an old work colleague, he was a nice enough guy but not a friend but it was nice to chat and he asked after my children including her by name. I told him she had sadly died and he apologised and I said honestly I’m really glad you mentioned her because people rarely do.

I don’t know you and you don’t know me but from the absolute bottom of my heart I wish you and your children all the best. Consider some therapy for your DS, the local hospice gave me some sessions and they were truly wonderful.

shropshirewitch · 30/06/2023 08:55

A bit flippant, but do you know the song Today Has Been OK by Emiliana Torrini? It sums up this kind of feeling really well IME. Wishing you and your DCs peace today - and if you are thinking of prompting anyone in particular, do it. I know I would be grateful for the reminder and the chance to wish you well and remember in my own way.

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 09:00

Sending you best wishes for a peaceful day, remembering good times you shared.

Don’t be hurt if people don’t remember the date, it’s not a reflection on how much they thought of him. Do tell people if you’d like to, it can help to feel connection and most people will be glad to be reminded.

Original poster

Comety · 30/06/2023 09:25

Ominot · 30/06/2023 08:30

Tell them, people are remarkably absorbed with their own lives and also death makes them very uncomfortable so it’s almost a coping mechanism. My lovely DD died, it’s almost 10 years ago, people rarely mention her. I bumped in to an old work colleague, he was a nice enough guy but not a friend but it was nice to chat and he asked after my children including her by name. I told him she had sadly died and he apologised and I said honestly I’m really glad you mentioned her because people rarely do.

I don’t know you and you don’t know me but from the absolute bottom of my heart I wish you and your children all the best. Consider some therapy for your DS, the local hospice gave me some sessions and they were truly wonderful.

I wish he'd have some therapy, he's been offered it from various sources, but keeps insisting he's "fine", which he clearly isn't

OP posts:

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 30/06/2023 09:47

I am so sorry and I hope you have a peaceful day surrounded with happy memories and love.

i am sure people will have remembered and will be raising a glass this evening. I am someone who tends to remember dates and I never know if I should or shouldn’t get in touch to let someone know I’m thinking of them. I worry that it may be a reminder or intrusion they don’t need on a deeply personal day. Although this thread has made me rethink that.
If you feel able a prompt that your ok to talk to about it may help.

Original poster

Comety · 30/06/2023 10:09

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 30/06/2023 09:47

I am so sorry and I hope you have a peaceful day surrounded with happy memories and love.

i am sure people will have remembered and will be raising a glass this evening. I am someone who tends to remember dates and I never know if I should or shouldn’t get in touch to let someone know I’m thinking of them. I worry that it may be a reminder or intrusion they don’t need on a deeply personal day. Although this thread has made me rethink that.
If you feel able a prompt that your ok to talk to about it may help.

Don't follow me, I didn't know what to do for the best either.

I've found I spend a lot of time as a widow worried about being judged. Outwardly, I've been "living it up" since DH died, getting out and about, living a single life (which is the life I have now). I do worry how that looks sometimes and know in the early days there were mutterings about me not appearing sad enough. Part of marking the occasion today is because I feel like I should, rather than any great need to.

I also didn't know what to do about DC, wasn't sure if they'd remember or would want to be reminded. DS1 had and was quite keen to mark it in some way (the takeaway was his suggestion). I think DS2 might have preferred to ignore it.

OP posts:

Riverlee · 30/06/2023 10:19

Sorry for your loss. Sometimes I think the second anniversary is worse than the first one, because you prepare yourself for the first one, but not the second. Wishing you and all the family lots of love, and tlc for all the family.

mondaytosunday · 30/06/2023 11:03

Hi there. My husband died suddenly when my kids were small.
We celebrate his birthday, rather than the day he passed. We used to write cards to him and burn them. We don't do that now (kids are late teens), but do talk about him.
Other than his family I don't expect anyone else to remember, and after the first couple years we (snd his family) didn't really mention it.
Well done for moving in. I moved 70 miles away for ten years, met a great set of new people.

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 30/06/2023 12:13

Comety · 30/06/2023 10:09

Don't follow me, I didn't know what to do for the best either.

I've found I spend a lot of time as a widow worried about being judged. Outwardly, I've been "living it up" since DH died, getting out and about, living a single life (which is the life I have now). I do worry how that looks sometimes and know in the early days there were mutterings about me not appearing sad enough. Part of marking the occasion today is because I feel like I should, rather than any great need to.

I also didn't know what to do about DC, wasn't sure if they'd remember or would want to be reminded. DS1 had and was quite keen to mark it in some way (the takeaway was his suggestion). I think DS2 might have preferred to ignore it.

Show quote history

Oh fuck anyone judging you!
If they are going to judge, they are going to judge however you live your life. So all you can do is support your children and do what you feel is right to adjust.
you’ve had the rug pulled from you and are living a life you didn’t expect - I can never remember the exact phrase about the grace of god goes I. But it seems appropriate for anyone judging (if only I could remember it)

a takeaway and being together seems a good way of marking it without making it the huge thing, you obviously don’t feel it should be. It’s going to feel a funny day however you do or don’t mark it.

this is definitely a stupid clumsy suggestion (as are all my posts). Would your youngest do therapy with you, as a way of getting him through the door in a hope that it might open him up?

treacledan71 · 30/06/2023 20:27

Comety · 30/06/2023 07:53

He's just 20, DH hung on to see him turn 18. He's had a horrible time with work and study over the last 2/3 years, much of it down to lockdown, even without his father's illness and death compunding everything.

Show quote history

Ahh. Sorry He has been through so much. My mom died 1 week after my 21st. I think she hung on too. I always think too you don't need a certain day to remember them you do every day. Take care of yourself. X