Worried I'm pregnant, don't know what to do (TW: mentions abortion)

[PanickingAbroad]

NC for this, sorry in advance if it gets long.

DH and I had a contraception failure on the first night of our holiday and I am completely panicking about the prospect of being pregnant. I've done the maths and it happened pretty much bang on 14 days since the start of my last period. I'm not tracking my cycle currently but it's likely I was right in the conception period.

Because of this I have convinced myself I'm definitely pregnant. We had no trouble conceiving our first - fell pregnant pretty much straight away twice (first time was ectopic). I feel sick constantly, which I'm telling myself is because I'm pregnant, even though I know in all likelihood it's too soon and it's probably the worry making me feel sick.

I don't know what to do if I am. We have an 18mo and I wanted a big age gap between children, minimum until DD is in school. We can probably afford another but with the CoL crisis it scares me. I'd have to go back to work after 12 weeks and don't know what I'd do for childcare, and I'm terrified of telling my boss I'm pregnant.

DH would be supportive whatever I want to do, I haven't really spoken to him about it as he won't worry until he knows if I'm pregnant, and I don't want to ruin his holiday as well as my own.

I know a termination is an option but I'm terrified I'll be judged as I've had 2 prior to the ectopic, both years ago and both years apart but still worried about it. Also I'm assuming given the previous ectopic I assume I wouldn't be a candidate for a home termination and I'd have to go in for scans etc.

I hadn't ruled out the thought of having a second, but now it's a possibility I just feel panicked, I want time with just my daughter, I hated being pregnant and having a newborn, I feel like I don't want a second, but I'm also worried about a termination in a way I wasn't in the past (both times I knew it was 100% the right decision).

Thanks if you got this far and sorry as I know I don't really have a question, was just hoping for any advice if anyone has any.

P.S. in case relevant - contraception was condom only as trying to take the pill after I had the baby made my PND unbearable, and I don't like the other forms of contraception for various reasons. I didn't go for the morning after pill as we are in a country where I don't speak the language, massively regretting this now. Knowing how I feel now we will be a lot more careful in the future, will probably abstain more to be honest.

[Clearbrightwater]

Look, other peoples judgement (I’m guessing medical type people?) really should not be a factor in this sort of decision. That’s said firmly, but very very kindly! There is no way that you should be putting this amount of pressure on yourselves as a family for fear of a raised eyebrow.

It is obviously not for me to say what you should do, that is ultimately your decision. All your reasons above are very valid though. Take a test and take it from there

[PanickingAbroad]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's much appreciated.

Yes I mean medical type people, who I know would be professional but I can't seem to stop worrying about what they would say.

Planning on buying a test as soon as we are back tomorrow and repeating until I either know or get my period.

[Clearbrightwater]

Well, I’d hope that they wouldn’t judge but you can never tell … You can have terminations performed privately that don’t even go on your records if this is a real worry for you or you certainly used to be able to.

[GoodChat]

Get the test first. Hopefully you're not pregnant and you don't have to think about the options.

Are you only using condoms? Is there any secondary contraception you could use?

[fuckip]

It's not definite yet.

If you are, don't let other people's opinions sway your choice. We are lucky enough to live in a place and time where we HAVE that choice, it's yours and you can make it.

In your place I'd talk to your DH, it's not about ruining a holiday but sharing life together, and he'll probably make you feel better and help distract you. He knew about the contraception failure too I'm assuming?

[PanickingAbroad]

Thank you both, I need to remember it isn't definite as in my head it's a foregone conclusion.

@GoodChat yes just condoms, hormonal contraception is out for now - I took the pill for over 10 years with no issues but going back on it after having my baby made my PND unmanageable. I'm terrified of the coil but may need to get over that. Condoms have worked since having the baby up to now, it might have been caused by us having had a few drinks and not being as careful to avoid tears when putting it on I think.

@fuckip yes he knows, he feels awful as he can see how stressed it has made me. He just says we can make a decision later (i.e. once we know for certain), I don't think he understands how all encompassing the worry feels (which tbh I don't expect him to as I know I'm being irrational). I could sit him down and explain that I really need to talk about it but it would spoil the last day and he's already doing so much by picking up caring for our 18mo when I go into panic mode.

I'm just veering between certain a termination is the right thing, thinking we just need to accept things have been brought forward and have a second baby earlier than planned, and paralysing panic where I can't think straight either way. Trying to hold on to the moments of clarity where I remember I don't even know if I'm pregnant or not yet, and yes writing it down I know it sounds ridiculous!

Thank you all for being so kind in your responses.

[GoodChat]

It's not ridiculous. Even if you were TTC you'd panic about if you were doing the right thing. Lots of us have been there and there's no right or wrong answer.

Get the test and, worst case, you and DH will have to have a chat about timing, circumstances etc.

It sounds like you have a good relationship so you'll work it out together. If you choose to terminate, aside from you, DH and a medical practitioner, nobody needs to know.

[PanickingAbroad]

Thank you so much @GoodChat that's exactly what I needed to hear. Can't tell you how much I appreciate it!

[JanS17]

When did this happen? Can you get the morning after pill? Some of them are effective for up to 5 days after.