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Original poster

Friends husband diagnosed with cancer. How can I support.

19 replies

Cluelessat33 · 28/06/2023 21:08

A close friend's husband has just been diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer. He's in his 40s, healthy, so it's a huge shock.

I really want to help and support, but I have no idea where to start. Everything you think of saying sounds insignificant and trite.

Please could I have some practical advice as to how best to support my friend.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/06/2023 21:11

Do they have kids? Can you offer to look after the kids to give them some time together or just a breather? Particularly when he starts treatment, if she’s caring for him, she may need someone else to pick up some of the other caring she would otherwise need to do. It may also be nice just to have some time together that isn’t all about cancer.

rubyslippers · 28/06/2023 21:15

Take ready meal (s) or offer to order food if you can afford
Offer practical help / do they need babysitting whilst they’re at appts?
lifts to appts?
Signpost to charities when she’s ready that can help with practical and emotional stuff around finances etc - macmillian offer a lot
check in regularly - don’t expect a response but she’ll know you’re there
give them time to adjust to a new way of life

Unsure754 · 28/06/2023 21:18

Listen to her. Do not give in to the temptation to try and fix the situation and tell her it’s not bad, it will all be ok, doctors get it wrong or you know someone who survived.

Be the friend that is brave enough to hear all her anguish and fears and simply walk by her side through it all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
LemonySippet · 28/06/2023 21:26

mindutopia · 28/06/2023 21:11

Do they have kids? Can you offer to look after the kids to give them some time together or just a breather? Particularly when he starts treatment, if she’s caring for him, she may need someone else to pick up some of the other caring she would otherwise need to do. It may also be nice just to have some time together that isn’t all about cancer.

This. Try not to offer though, just do it. My husband was diagnosed with leukaemia a few years ago and the best help was the help I was bulldozed into accepting. I got better at asking for help but at the start it was so so hard to ask even though absolutely everyone offered, even people I barely knew. It was the people who turned up with carloads of shopping, who shoved JustEat vouchers through the door or ordered takeaways for me, or turned up and took the kids, or came in and cleaned, they're the ones that meant the most because I couldn't have existed without them.

Never ever say it'll be okay or ask for updates, it is so exhausting to have to update people and the utter fear that clutches at your heart knowing that it might not be okay. Platitudes do not help at all. Just be quiet and love her and let her cry.

Original poster
Cluelessat33 · 28/06/2023 21:29

Thank you @LemonySippet. I really appreciate this. I'm trying to be very mindful about the it'll be fine rubbish. Because nothing is fine at the moment. They are having to be strict on his diet because of the nature of the cancer, but I will think about some practical ways I can do stuff for her. She's not great at asking for help at the best of times, so I do tend to take the bulldozer approach.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 28/06/2023 21:50

I second @LemonySippet. Don't say 'let me know if there's anything I can do', just do it.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/06/2023 21:57

Everything @LemonySippet says in bucketloads. A very close family member is at end of life - 'how are you' and 'can I do anything' messages just add to the mental load. Offer and do practical things without asking for updates and ideas of things you can do. Watch out for cues and pick up on them. If you're sending messages be careful to word them so they don't require a response. Cancer is a bastard disease, just be there when your friend needs you.

LemonySippet · 28/06/2023 22:11

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/06/2023 21:57

Everything @LemonySippet says in bucketloads. A very close family member is at end of life - 'how are you' and 'can I do anything' messages just add to the mental load. Offer and do practical things without asking for updates and ideas of things you can do. Watch out for cues and pick up on them. If you're sending messages be careful to word them so they don't require a response. Cancer is a bastard disease, just be there when your friend needs you.

All the love to you.

My husband was hospitalised for the first 3 months of his illness and I do get that people wanted to know how he was, but after one horrifying day where I'd spent 12 hours with him thinking it was his last day and then came home and had to spend 4 hours replying to all the messages I'd had asking for updates, I couldn't do it any more.

We actually set up a Facebook page to give updates so I could just type it all out once and people could follow that. I couldn't take it any more and as soulless/heartless as it sounds, it was the easiest and best option that we had.

I know friends don't mean to add to the mental load at all but it really was so hard to balance not being rude and looking after myself (as well as making sure the people who loved him were kept in the loop).

Original poster
Cluelessat33 · 28/06/2023 22:12

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo thank you. The way you've worded that helps me to think about how to word messages.

OP posts:
Icannoteven · 28/06/2023 22:23

Help with logistics if possible. Having to spend so much time running to medical appointments and keeping family life ticking over when one of you is out of action is hard! Physically, mentally and financially.

There is probably not a lot you can do for your friend emotionally but I’m sure that anything you can contribute to making her day run smoother (cooking a meal, helping with errands or hospital runs etc) will be massively appreciated.

hotinthebigcity · 28/06/2023 22:31

I’m keep in touch, ask her how she is? She will be on shock at the moment and probably not know if she’s coming and going. She’ll also likely want to carry on as normal as far as possible for the kids so as not to unsettle them. The chemo won’t be daily and in all likelihood her husband will hopefully be reasonably well a lot of the time and won’t need too much practical support.

what he probably won’t be able to do is to be hands on so rather than cooking for her - she’ll be able to do that herself I imagine, help with lifts and rotas is a big help,

Personally I had absolutely no need of practical help whilst my husband was having treatment. I needed emotional support from a very few very close friends. We didn’t do any WhatsApp groups or social media update. We loved our lives as normally as possible to keep things normal for the kids but I leaned heavily in n my closest friends but kept a distance from anyone else

Ginola2345 · 28/06/2023 22:32

Take her out for a drunk or coffee and if she wants to talk about it let her talk if she wants to be normal do that. But definitely don’t compare her husbands case with someone elses you know or don’t know etc.

Cut the grass if they have a lawn, pick kids up from school and have them over for tea, a day out or a sleepover (if she wants this). Sometimes the normality of kids is nice sometimes she may welcome the break. Offer to collect prescriptions, any shopping.

hotinthebigcity · 28/06/2023 22:35

Ginola2345 · 28/06/2023 22:32

Take her out for a drunk or coffee and if she wants to talk about it let her talk if she wants to be normal do that. But definitely don’t compare her husbands case with someone elses you know or don’t know etc.

Cut the grass if they have a lawn, pick kids up from school and have them over for tea, a day out or a sleepover (if she wants this). Sometimes the normality of kids is nice sometimes she may welcome the break. Offer to collect prescriptions, any shopping.

Yes yes yes to taking out for coffee or popping in if she wants visitors. Let her talk but also treat her normally. She’s not ill and she will probably want to not just be the girl with the sick husband.

Timeforabiscuit · 28/06/2023 22:38

What @LemonySippet says.

I had one acquaintance offer a tip run with their van, that was pure gold!

Other than that, friends booking a regular lunch out, no cancer talk - just a lovely slice of normality.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/06/2023 22:53

Back at you @LemonySippet Someone asked me the other day how my family member was and I replied 'still dying'. I felt awful afterwards, but it is exhausting thinking about other people's need to do something, even though you know they care and mean well. 'Thinking of you' or 'I hope you're coping as well as you can' is so much better than 'how are you?'.

Not to put you off OP, it's really hard to know what to do. Your friend is lucky you're thinking about how to help her.

My best friend and usual partner in crime asked me if I wanted to go get drunk. I didn't, but she and my DH pushed me into it. We didn't have a rip roaring time, and I didn't get drunk, but it was good to go do something else for an evening. I made her just tell me all her news so I didn't have to think about it for a while. They were right to make me go, I'd have only stayed at home and cried.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/06/2023 22:56

And I'm sorry for your experience @LemonySippet I meant to say that in my last post, that was thoughtless of me.

I'll stop hijacking your thread now OP.

PutKettleOn · 28/06/2023 23:06

My DH was diagnosed with cancer and went through treatment in 2019.
Whilst having treatment, what I needed most was practical help - picking up kids, trying to keep them at their usual activities so life felt a bit normal, etc. And practical help to/ from all the many appointments, collecting meds, etc, etc.
Once he was recovering between treatments, I needed to talk, offload and, on one occasion, just get drunk.
My friends read the situation well and were there when I needed them by instinct.
Hopefully you'll be the same.

Roo84 · 28/06/2023 23:12

I share your anguish, a friends husband has also just been diagnosed with Bowel Cancer. His is unfortunately stage 4. Totally out of the blue, in his late 30s, super fit and healthy, happily married with 3 young children.
It's utterly devastating.
A group of us put together a bit of a care hamper for her - lots of little bits, pamper things, vitamins, chocs , wine, magazines etc. just something to know we are there and care. It's such a hard situation to be in. Wish your friend has some positive outcomes from treatment.

HopelessEstateAgents · 29/06/2023 06:37

Under no circumstances send links for 'cures' or supplements

Make clear offers E.g I can have the kids on Tuesday and I can clean your bathroom on Sunday

No takeaways or ready meals, she'll have them coming out of her ears, take freshly prepared food.

If you're in a position to, you may want to offer cash to cover additional expenses. One friend of mine dropped 3k into my account, obviously most cannot do this.

Do not ask for updates.

I will always remember the friends who did all the above, they are golden,

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