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Original poster

He prefers dad

12 replies

TrexTeeth · 28/06/2023 19:53

One 5 year old. I did most of the work until dad got a girlfriend. Now he has him 2 weeknights and 1 weekend in 5 to 6. Son has begun constantly asking for dad. I just say he's working. He tells me he prefers his dad and would rather be there. It feels rather shite when I've done the majority of the work. Everyone says it'll come to roost but I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrexTeeth · 28/06/2023 20:57

Anyone?

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 28/06/2023 21:03

Try to see it as a good thing he likes his dad so much and wants to go there? My kids hate their father and I find it sad.

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 21:09

Usually it's the other way around

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MaxwellCat · 28/06/2023 21:10

Yes you could have the opposite problem as it’s usually the other way and him screaming and crying and not wanting to go and you having to send him anyway, I’m not sure that’s any easier

Original poster
TrexTeeth · 28/06/2023 21:19

It's hard when he's upstairs though. His dad just let's him do what he wants and eat crap so it makes my life harder

OP posts:
Original poster
TrexTeeth · 28/06/2023 21:22

Upset not upstairs !

OP posts:
tigger2022 · 28/06/2023 21:22

Apparently there is a phenomenon where children get really attached to the parent who “left” because they are scared they’ll leave again. I’m sorry it feels sucky, I think it’s a sign of attachment to you though (he knows you’ll always be there for him).

Theunamedcat · 28/06/2023 21:25

Tell him he isnt being very kind and offer to take him to the park or whatever he enjoys doing

Original poster
TrexTeeth · 29/06/2023 07:13

I think maybe I pander to it too much and just need to tell him he's not being kind like above suggestion. It's a bit galling because his dad can be fun and all that if he's only doing 30 percent of the childcare. He doesn't have the relentless I have

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 29/06/2023 07:36

That must be really hard to hear.

It's easy for his dad to be the fun and exciting one because he doesn't have him the majority of the time. Sounds like he spoils him either because he's lazy (easier to let him do what he wants than set boundaries / routine) or because he's over compensating for not seeing him much.

Either way, from a 5-year-olds perspective, being able to do and eat what you like will seem pretty fun and appealing. But I bet money, when it comes to the stuff that really matters - for example, who he wants when he’s feeling unwell or scared is you. You are his safe place. The fact he even tells you he prefers being with his dad shows that. He feels safe enough with you to share how he feels. For that reason I wouldn't tell him he's hurting your feelings or it’s not a nice thing to say. Instead, if keep things light and say ‘oh I know you love it at daddy’s, you’ll see him x day so not long to wait!’ and leave it at that. Don't make him feel bad for feeling how he feels.

Next time he says it, try and translate what he's saying into what he means. He says ‘i prefer it at daddy’s’ but he what means he is ‘i like doing and eating what a want - rules suck!’. Then remember that research proves that routine and boundaries are good for children, their happiness and wellbeing. The reality is, your son wouldn't thrive if he was constantly treated how your ex treats him. The novelty of the freedom would wear off and he'd be craving everything you give him now. You're giving him what he needs even if he doesn't see or appreciate that yet. But he will one day.

bumblebee2235 · 29/06/2023 07:47

Ah it's a phase. Loads of kids go through preference phases, it may just feel more intense given your situation. Plus with part time dads it's easier, you do the Scivvy work, discipline etc where they see him twice a week for "fun" so it all seems more fun and fluffy, let him have them a week in the holidays 😂 they'd change their minds usually, can't do fun things 24/7

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/06/2023 08:12

TrexTeeth · 29/06/2023 07:13

I think maybe I pander to it too much and just need to tell him he's not being kind like above suggestion. It's a bit galling because his dad can be fun and all that if he's only doing 30 percent of the childcare. He doesn't have the relentless I have

It must be really hard to hear. My stbxh is a Disney Dad and he does get good bits and just ignore the tough stuff and it hurts.

Having been on the other side of it though, and being told we were being unkind, that just added a heap of guilt to the existing hurt and caused us to keep things to ourselves. Our DM made us feel bad for missing our Dad and wanting to see him. As I grew up I got his measure, but when I was 5, it just hurt and we hit out at our mum because it felt safe to be angry at her, whereas our Dad we were afraid he would leave again and we were right. FWIW I haven't seen my Dad since my early teens and have zero interest in ever seeing him again.

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