Name change for this.
About to turn 40. DS about to turn 2. It feels like now or never for a second baby. Motherhood has been a true joy so far and I actually found the baby stage a lot more enriching and interesting than I expected. I would love to expand our family if mother nature is willing to comply. So what's putting me off having another?
Short version: I didn't get an easy baby (colic, appalling sleeper, late walker, fussy eater) long postpartum recovery (pelvic floor took a bashing and lochia was crazy heavy and went on for well over a month) and to top it all off my DH went completely off the rails after a family bereavement when baby was a few weeks old. I know the term nervous breakdown isn't used any more but this is the best description I can come up with. He did the bare minimum with the baby and was in a fog of grief and rage that he is only just emerging from now. Even on good days the emotional atmosphere was like living on the slopes of a volcano that could erupt at any moment. Nothing I said or did seemed to be enough. Things are a lot better now and he is mostly a good dad and is a lot more stable. He says he is up for another baby. But I can't forget the image of the man who screamed at me and punched the mattress in anger when I was up at 3am trying to settle the baby and had said something that set him off. Or the times I cried on the way home from baby classes because I knew I would be coming home to a horrible atmosphere.
I'm swinging between making peace with not brining another human into this shitshow we are only emerging from now, and wanting to have another child to complete the family before it's too late.
Two under two is very much seen as optimal in my circle (and on Mumsnet too, it seems). But there is just no way I could have done it. It would have physically and mentally wrecked me in my situation. Some days I feel so ashamed of it when I see women with bigger families. I love babies and children, so why am I not capable of doing what they have managed to do? I read stories on here all the time of women who have had awful birth and newborn experiences and who have powered on through subsequent pregnancies "to get the baby stage out of the way" or because they are in their late 30s/early 40s. Sometimes I feel selfish that my self preservation instinct has overridden my desire for another child. But on the other hand, I've been focusing on rebuilding my marriage, my body and my career so that I can become financially independent and create the most stable environment for the existing child rather than throwing caution to the wind and getting pregnant again. and some days I feel as though that is the more responsible thing to do, even if it could cost us the chance for another baby.
What would you do?