Normal for couples with young DC to be unhappy and have little sex?

[icecreamshopper]

Husband and I are having Relate therapy. He is deeply unhappy with the amount and the quality of sex we are having. Our child is 3. For the first while after the birth sex was painful for me and then I had to wait for a gynae referral to finally get seen. This took 18 months. Alongside that I had a back injury caused by lifting my child, and I found it all a struggle (new motherhood, juggling part-time work with childcare and waiting for a nursery place plus baby during pandemic, no support etc). We were having sex since then but usually once a week or so and always missionary.

Throughout those 3 years he was fully supportive and never complained. He supported me and never pressured me. But he came to me this Spring and said he couldn't go in with our sex life as it is, and feels that now my gynae issue is resolved and child is no longer a baby we need to work to get back on track.

In the meantime DH works long hours in a high-octane type job. He earns a decent wage.

He is very good with DC and helpful doing things like bins and dishwasher but I definitely carry the mental load. I work p-t and have DC p-t. He does stuff round the house when he's not working but has to be asked or reminded about some household chores, and some stuff he literally never does eg clean bathroom.

Like some men, it seems his standards are just lower / different eg he would happily relax in a messy living room, or not be concerned about dusting ever.

Do we women lower our standards? Obviously there's a huge patriarchal dynamic here. My husband earns quite a lot and he would not bat an eyelid if I said I'm never cooking / cleaning again, and just outsourced it all. He would be happy for me to do that. Should we just do that and try to bring back the harmony?

I've come to the realisation that I've put others' needs first too often to the point where it's become second nature and I can't even say what I want anymore. I'm going to organise a weekend away with a friend as DH has never had DC alone overnight before.

I'm not sure my sex-drive matches his but is that just because I'm knackered and carrying the mental load?

One thing we've disagreed on is that he didn't think it's normal for sex life to be vanilla / minimal but I've said I'm sure most couples go through this with young DC (having read Mumsnet). Is this the case?

I've read the other thread about shit husbands with interest. I wouldn't go that far with DH as he's never told me to do more around the house or anything, and he's perfectly happy for me to do less and for us both to outsource or have lower standards! It's just different I guess.

Anyway I know I'm conflating two issues, the sex and the mental load but for me they are related. He says every aspect of our life is great except sex, I say I'm not satisfied in other areas (mental load and worrying about my career / where I'm going after maternity break and Covid impacting my career).

Honestly are there any people here who can relate? I'm sure someone will say LTB but I don't feel it's as simple as that.

What kind of sex is he gunning for OP?
Is it something that you are open to the idea of?

We have a 5yo and 1yo. Our sex life has dived quite a bit since dc1 was born (it recovered slightly before dc2 was born but then got worse with dc2). I'd say our relationship was still very happy though, the focus has just changed. We're committed to spending a lot of time together as a family and I think that's been important. I'm a sahm and DH works at a senior level but is always home to help with bath/bed and spends all weekends with us.

Hi @icecreamshopper My kids are older than yours so I will give you a perspective from a bit of distance. Your husband sounds like a good guy, he’s working hard for the family, isn’t expecting you to do everything at home & hasn’t complained about sex during a three year dry spell. He’s been honest about what he would like to change. His request seems reasonable. You could probably accommodate him if you used some family money to buy yourself some time to chill out in whatever way YOU want and manage the mental load. Don’t choose not to prioritise your marriage for silly reasons like you feel uncomfortable about getting a cleaner.

I agree with everyone else about a cleaner (don’t worry about tidying), childcare on your days off, a lie in one day at the weekend and a babysitter for a regular date night. Also get the mental load under control, with a shared calendar app and some direct debits it’s really not a big deal.

Having your first baby is a massive change and it’s not surprising that you have found some bits hard. At three years in though I do recommend getting things under control and prioritising your marriage as divorce (from a good husband) is a terrible outcome for everyone.

I would say this is completely normal and my answer is always that if he isn’t as knackered as you then there is a mismatch in domestic workload and childcare.

It doesn’t matter that he’s the high earner and main breadwinner. If his career and toe-dipping into family life give him energy and a thriving sex drive then good for him. But it’s not doing it for you.

He needs to take some of the load off you and become a fully engaged partner and member of the family. How can anyone except enthusiastic sex when they expect the same sexual partner to also be their cook, bottle washer and toilet cleaner? It sounds and whiffs like male privilege to me. Very unsexy indeed.

Hire a person who tidies and cleans
Runningvaround tidying makes no sense
Just speak to hiusekeeper cleaner
That you want them to put toys here and this thing there
Then go relax
Use more childcare
Spend money your dh has offered to make cyour life easier

@icecreamshopper definitely hire a cleaner. It's OK to tidy up/clear the decks before they come so they can get round. Outsource laundry & ironing too, then reassess how you feel. Aim to do this without any guilt - there's no need to feel guilty.

If some of the mental load has lifted, you might feel you & DH have more time for each other. Remember that our relationships thrive on intimacy, not just sex so remembering to touch, hug & kiss regularly is important.

I would highly recommend listening to this podcast too https://www.dontbuyherflowers.com/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020/

What was your marriage and your sex life like before you had your child?

I’m not wanting to minimise your struggles or tiredness but how much mental load is there with one 3 year old? Is it really remembering things for nursery and housework that have put you off having more sex or is there something else?

We have two teens, a preschooler, a 3 month old, DH works ft, I have my own business and there’s parenting, housework, cooking and admin but we prioritise our marriage too and we turn off the tv so we have sex, or put our phones down and talk. We also watch tv while staring at our phones but it’s a choice to invest in each other and our relationship.

When the kids have flown the nest we want to still have each other. I don’t want to look up in 10 years time and not know the man I chose to spend my life with before things got in the way.

I hope no one calls your a bastard or tells you to leave him. I can’t see what he’s done wrong. He was supportive for years and now things are better for you he’s been open about how he wishes things could be. He's happy for you to be part time and spend money on lessening the load of running the house. He’s not been demanding or horrible. He’s doing exactly the right things, I’d listen to him and see what you’re both willing to do to invest in your life together.

I can relate and I think it's common. If you can afford to then it's something that is definitely helped by throwing money at the problem to ease the load. We have a cleaner and she's one of the last things I'd give up, she is brilliant. We also pay for a babysitter once a month and DH and I go out for dinner just the two of us.

Also, getting a bit of time back for myself which has only really happened recently (DDs are 6 and 4.) E.g. going out with a friend for dinner, getting my nails done, going for a swim etc and DH looking after DDs. Just getting myself back a bit rather than seeing myself only as "mum."

Keeping intimacy regular (but not necessarily sex.) E.g. Having a cuddle with DH, smacking his bum as I walk past him in the kitchen, holding hands etc. Making time once a week to not immediately flop in front of the TV but to sit down together with a drink and have a chat.

What you've described sounds pretty common tbh. I'm going to add to the chorus of others urging you to just get a cleaner. So what if you're tidying before they arrive? You don't necessarily need to, but it's easier to clean if you do. You'd be tidying anyway at some point, so it may as well be before the cleaner comes. You could go out whilst they're cleaning, or book the cleaner for one of your work days.

I'm going through a similar situation and know of friends going through this too so to me this is common. I think the career thing is a real stress, and the unpaid mental load is a heavy burden to carry

I think the scenario is common. Its like it on our house anyway!
We got a cleaner which is good.

I cannot believe the suggestions here to send DC to nursery more often so your husband can have more sex that you don’t want to have with him.

how is the DH’s desire for sex more important than the OPs quality time with her child? Insane ‘cool mum’ vibe on this thread.

OP I agree with getting a cleaner, but just to help you out!

Putting DC in nursery more isn’t so OPs husband can have more sex.

It’s to make OPs life easier, she said shes struggling with mental load and the amount of household tasks she has to do.

If she felt more rested and on top of things or even like she has more ‘me’ time then she might want to have sex a bit more often. She might not, but one morning a week where the OP doesn’t have DC could still be good overall for family life.

Well if he "can't go on with sex life as it is" then he has the choice not to go on at all.

I get so fed up with hearing about these man-children who have no concept of what parenthood is about - that it is a commitment - that it is hard work - that they need to pull their weight - that they need to grasp that if a woman is working/child care/planning/housework etc she is going to be knackered - that their sex life might have a lull - that there are other things more important now that they have parenting responsibilities - that they have to take the rough with the smooth - that life isn't perfect and never will be - that they do not have a right to their wife's body regardless of her preferences - that a bit pf missionary position is great and more than many women embroiled in parenting can manage - that sex is not a performance sport, but a shared joyful experience - that they can't always have exactly what they want - that they have to become adults sometime .......

God they make me sick .......

We have similar issues. I think ultimately too I'm just really not bothered about sex anyway. I enjoy it when we have it but I genuinely couldnt care less if we never did. I just don't really have much of a sex drive and I have such limited time that it's not something I would pick to do with my time if I'm being honest! But DH feels very differently so I try to make some effort for his sake. I agree mental load etc is probably related to the lack of interest though. I need to be really relaxed to enjoy sexual intimacy, I genuinely can't do that if ive got a list as long as my arm of overdue tasks I need to sort or if I'm exhausted late at night after doing them all after a day of work or caring for the kids on my own. Not that DH doesn't also work hard but like yours he isn't bothered if the house is a top or whatever but I really am.

Keeping intimacy regular (but not necessarily sex.) E.g. Having a cuddle with DH, smacking his bum as I walk past him in the kitchen, holding hands etc. Making time once a week to not immediately flop in front of the TV but to sit down together with a drink and have a chat.

But the OP's OH is not going to be content with that - he is not mature enough. He wants what he wants and he wants it now.

He needs to put in the effort not you. You don't owe him sex.

Nobody has said to put DC in nursery so they can have more sex 🙄

They've said to use childcare so OP can have some quality time to herself.

Your DH sounds like a decent man who works hard for your family. It’s not unreasonable to want to have sex with your spouse and I do think you need to work on it. Whether that’s by getting a cleaner or whatever you need to do - if he’s asking you to work towards a regular sex life then you should do that (whatever that looks like) rather than leaping towards assuming people will tell you to ltb. He’s not doing anything wrong.

I may be way off the mark here so please forgive me if I am. Everything u said is totally normal in my view and understandable. But I wondered from your post a couple of things? I understand from your post that you had gynae issues and are carrying the mental load, but is there anything else stopping you from actively wanting more sex from your husband? Do you enjoy it when you do it? Is it what you want?

I ask this because I was reading recently about how many women don’t really enjoy sex that much and don’t prioritise it for themselves, for loads of reasons (pain, trauma) or simply because they are no longer that turned on by their husband / don’t want to ask him to please them (very common for women to deprioritise what they want).

I’ve been like this for a while when my kids were really small, I realised I was generally not that fussed about it, and realised it (alongside being tired) was mainly down to sex being boring for me and the way I felt about myself. My husband and I didn’t do counselling but we Did make an effort to discuss and try new things. Maybe I’m hormonal now, but through a process of making time and experimentation I now genuinely want sex with him and look forward to it. I would happily bin off other stuff to go to bed early with him.

im really not saying anything you have said is not normal, or that you should have more sex with him because he wants you to, more wondering how much of a priority sex is for you, and if you could get more out of it for yourself x

The OP is having sex with her husband. Just not enough or excitingly enough!
All those people saying 'get a cleaner', 'hire a babysitter' , ' book a nursery' are forgetting the mental load that entails.
My husband was a great one for asking me to come along to work things that he hoped I would enjoy. All I heard was more stuff to sort out.
Maybe the OPs DH could find a babysitter. Interview cleaners..visit nurseries and get the DC happy to go etc etc
These things are just more stuff to sort.
It's like when men should take more of the domestic slack but have no effing clue what to do and so it actually adds to the mental load assigning them tasks..
Having a toddler is exhausting. They are v demanding and often v physical. I just wanted to be physically left alone when my DC were that age.
Once a week sex in any position is seriously not that bad with a toddler about. Geez.

That's a very good point, or it would be if it wasn't for the fact that the OP didn't actually once use the word vanilla, although it has been used multiple times on successive replies.

As I'm quite sure you already know very well, only those who introduce that word repeatedly in a conversation in which it wouldn't otherwise be present are usually fishing, often with a slightly hubristic suggestion of superiority as they know that their sex life and that that of their chosen parters is much more fulfilling than those who are seemingly oblivious.

Op said vanilla in her first post.

You're absolutely right ... My apologies, thanks for the correction. Interesting though how the word pops up numerous times in successive replies.

Very similar situation here. DH is a good person in many ways, but has lower standards than me and is so laid back that I end up doing everything and resenting him as we also have a small child and both work. Then the last thing I can be arsed to do is have sex when I've not had a moment to myself in weeks.

But we can afford a lot of help, so the key to matrimonial harmony for us is to outsource as much as possible. Cleaner 4 hours a week. Housekeeper for 3 or 4 hours 4 times a week to do the laundry, do the ironing, keep things clean and tidy in between cleaner visits, cook dinner, keep the house running smoothly etc. Gardener as and when needed.

When all that is in place we are much happier. I guess a lot of people on here would say I should LTB, but I'd be worse off overall in that situation in my view. At least with our setup I don't need to do much around the house, am more financially secure and can focus on the good bits of my husband rather than his shortcomings.