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Original poster

Mum friends - advice

15 replies

unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 07:25

Hi I'm a first time mum. My daughter is 4 nearly 5. She's in reception, she is happy and always excited to go to school and there doesn't seem to be any issues...
Teacher says she is quite quiet in class.
She hasn't been to daycare/ nursery when she was younger. Always with me as I'm a stay at home mum...
I got chatting to some of the mums in the rush that is drop off and pick up and we have had a play date with one of her classmates...
I was friendly with the mum.
Some time passed and everyone is busy etc and I haven't seen this mum properly..
I saw her recently and mentioned we should do another play date... she then said oh I know such and such mum , we are meeting at the park etc... but yeah we should etc.
I sort felt like I'd be a third wheel.
My DD has one friend she sees off and on who she isn't at school with,..
I'm kind of like finding it hard to connect with other mums and my DD doesn't seem that fussed with a best friend and plays with all,..

Should I just leave it , obviously moved on to another mum and her DD obviously has too.
I'm thinking of enrolling my DD in more out of school activities and sports.
So we have other interests

OP posts:
MollysBrolly · 27/06/2023 07:27

You need to stop being so sensitive. Perhaps these mums do know each other. Give it time start general chats and see how it goes before jumping in with play dates

Mischance · 27/06/2023 07:34

It sounds as though your DD is doing really well and navigating school and friends fine in her own way. It is good to play with all the children.
Are you wanting the Mums as friends for you rather than social contacts for your DD? I think you just need to be chatty and friendly to all ... like your DD! Is there a PTA you could join, or something school related you could volunteer for?

SirKurtBored · 27/06/2023 07:44

PTA is a great idea - your daughter is also of an age to join Girl Guides - rainbows start from four at that’s an amazing way for her to make friends and for you to interact with other parents.

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Original poster
unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 07:52

My DD seems happy but I thought she would have one or two close friends by now.
She doesn't come out at pick up with a friend or say "I want to have a play date with" I'm sure she would given the opportunity, like if I say "shall we go see such and such" she's happy to..
But because she's my only (probably will be) - she spends all her time away from school with me. I play with her and she is happy to play on her own with her toys etc
I'm really trying to make play dates with another mum so my DD can play/ interact...
Other girls in her class seem to be paired up and there's lots of talk of "best friends"
It's just really hard as I've sort of out myself out there to make connections

OP posts:
GlassWall · 27/06/2023 07:59

I don’t see the problem. You weren’t vowed to some exclusive arrangement with the other mother, and if the idea is for your daughter to socialise with her classmates out of school, surely the more the merrier? It’s not some kind of personal rejection. It’s not primarily to do with you at all!

Delatron · 27/06/2023 08:04

Surely a meet up with another couple of Mums in the park is perfect? Then you get to know someone else. There’s no third wheel/spare part issue in this situation. I think the more the merrier.

Original poster
unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 10:01

@Delatron it kind of felt like she had made another mum friend as her DD plays with her DD and then thought...no reason to ask us for another play date
Either way finding it hard to navigate

OP posts:
HotWithNoRain · 27/06/2023 10:04

I'd join them at the park and see how it goes. You've got to put yourself out there. I've had plenty of coffees and play dates that haven't resulted in friendships but plenty that have. If you want to make more friends then you have to be a bit proactive.

Delatron · 27/06/2023 11:13

unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 10:01

@Delatron it kind of felt like she had made another mum friend as her DD plays with her DD and then thought...no reason to ask us for another play date
Either way finding it hard to navigate

But that’s ok if she made another Mum
friend. Doesn’t mean you can’t all hang out. Then maybe more play dates will follow. Or maybe you’ll meet other friends. It takes a while when they start school to make friends. You’ve just got to keep chatting to people. I’d definitely accept any offers of meet ups in the park. And with a few of you there’s less pressure of a one on one conversation.

Your DD sounds like she’s doing fine and I’d just relax and go with the flow.

Delatron · 27/06/2023 11:15

As above - I’ve had many coffees, play dates that did not result in friendships. Takes a while to find ‘your people’. But you have to keep putting yourself out there.

Original poster
unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 11:46

I think I was hoping to make a firm friend for my DD through the play date....
At the beginning of term the teacher mentioned how very quiet she was
She has since said she chats to this one and that one. Still quiet.
She doesn't have a sibling and is the only one in her class who doesn't....so sometimes her experience of play is with adults, me, mostly and the odd playdate out of school...

OP posts:
Delatron · 27/06/2023 11:59

I just don’t think you can force friendships. Or expect too much from the odd play date. My boys were quiet and quite often teachers say that as though it’s a criticism. It’s just their personality. Then I got told at parents evening that they didn’t have ‘a best friend’.

They made loads of friends of their own accord. I think it’s better not to have one ‘bestie’ to be honest. Just give her time to work out who her friends are. And keep chatting to the Mums, accept all offers of coffee/park meet ups. Join the PTA if that appeals.

GlassWall · 27/06/2023 17:37

unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 11:46

I think I was hoping to make a firm friend for my DD through the play date....
At the beginning of term the teacher mentioned how very quiet she was
She has since said she chats to this one and that one. Still quiet.
She doesn't have a sibling and is the only one in her class who doesn't....so sometimes her experience of play is with adults, me, mostly and the odd playdate out of school...

Honestly, OP, this is about your own insecurities about her being an only child. Do you struggle with friendships yourself? Virtually no children are making hard and fast ‘best friendships’ aged four and in reception, and the best thing you can do to help her develop friendships in the future is to model good friendships yourself and, in the nicest possible way, not to see slights and rejections everywhere. And perhaps to be a bit less intense and anxious about it all. You sound as if you’re confusing your own connection with this other mother with your daughter’s potential friendship with her daughter. In neither case was it some kind of exclusive commitment. Go to the park and let your daughter play with both other girls! Talk to the mothers if you like them, but that’s not what you’re primarily there for. Invite both girls to your house for a play date if your daughter would like it, and she’s not too exhausted after the school day, and let go of this idea that she needs to have a ‘best friend’. Or that there’s anything anomalous about an only child. About a third of DS’s class are either only children, or have a much older half-sibling (I mean 23/4 to their 11).

daisychainsummer · 28/06/2023 07:02

Sounds like you have anxiety that has gone undiagnosed.
The other mother would not have even mentioned the other mum and meeting up if she didn't want to include you and your daughter.
A simple "oh I'm busy" let's do it another time she could have said.

Enjoy your daughter! Mine is 15 now and I wish I could go back to being 4 again and hang out with her and go the the park 😊
I have a lovely relationship with her now too but she has friends she's busy with too...
All the best OP. You got this!!

ConstanceL · 28/06/2023 09:43

unicornglitter123 · 27/06/2023 10:01

@Delatron it kind of felt like she had made another mum friend as her DD plays with her DD and then thought...no reason to ask us for another play date
Either way finding it hard to navigate

I've got lots of 'mum friends' I met at the school gate - what makes you think someone can only have one mum friend? If she invited you to the park with another mum, then why not go? Broaden yours and your child's social circle. You sound pretty intense if you are hoping for an exclusive friendship with another mum and would feel like a third wheel - that kind of needy intensity can really put people off.

Also no need to try and engineer friendships for your daughter, kids tend to find their own kindred spirits in time. Sounds like she is happy and that's what matters :)

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