child arrangement order revisited

[samesh1tdifferentday]

Does anyone have any advice?I handed my children over to live with their father 4 years ago when I was in the middle of. nervous breakdown.This was mostly for financial reasons although emotionally I was shot to bits too.
4 and a half years later I am considering at least going for 50/50 custody.
I am single (have been since we split despite the odd 'false start relationship ( I still can't go there! Im mentally as well as I can be i have slight PTSD and anxiety after our court battles I am , working and have been in close contact with my children again after not seeing them for a year ( Our arrangement broke down and I gained contact through taking him back to court recently) I have tried to stay away from the courts but at the same time fighting for a relationship with our 4 beautiful children for the 7 years since we split.The children desperately want to see me and always have.I was a stay at home mum for 12 years before the seperation. Since seeing them again I have noticed how desperately the children want to spend time with me but this is still very much governed by their father,I was only able to offer every second week in our most recent court appearance due to where I lived and how little I earnt plus CSA ( I am more than happy to pay this but it leaves me very tight financially in order to afford a home for the children to come more regularly.Its a chicken and egg situation.My question here is does anyone have experience of getting support in getting some kind of housing support if I gained more visitation rights or vice versa Im not sure how to begin this?I have recently decided to move back to the town where we lived (I was too afraid before i have healed, got well and done a lot of soul searching ) and feel I am maybe ready to offer more contact in the right situation.I am taking it slowly but feel that although their father and step mother offer the financial side of things the emotional support has been lacking and i am able to offer this in fact its all I can offer at the moment but I am finally strong enough to be able to parent in this way again.children are 12,15,17 and 19 so i believe only the 2 youngest can be included in the order is it even worth the fight because I know that it seems if Im around they simply want to be with me anyway sorry its long......any ideas as it is the finances that are crippling me in able to move forward and provide a home (I think. I need a 3 bed place as there are 2 girls 2 boys) IF i was to go 50/50.I am able to get legal aid this was awarded through the courts decided it was sufficient for emotional and financial abuse on his part (Leeway helped me)

I am utterly baffled

Your older children can see you whenever you please.

It all sound very complex and messy and Im mentally as well as I can be sounds loaded.

Anyone giving advice on the basis of your OP would be reckless

Does the 19 year old spend time with you?
He or she is an adult so should be able to do as they want.

thanks lucy I mean that I have to work on my anxiety thats all and it has been very gverned by peoples opinions ,I did wonder wether to post as I am fully aware of how messy its been Ive been in the middle of it all.

There are lots of concerns I have for my children however Ive learnt not to bad mouth their father and still wont be forced to go there in order to prove my side of things please could I ask anyone else only positive feedback if possible as Im trying to move forward in what has been an awful time for us all him included !

Im sorry but there is so much wrong with your op. The eldest 2 can see you when they like. I actually think you are very niave to think you will get 50/50 with unsuitable accommodation and the fact you have not seen them for year, I'm quite surprised you were given EOW.

It sounds like your kids have had years of upheaval, why would you want to start dragging them through the family courts? This all sounds very selfish and you are only thinking of yourself and not the impact on your childrens mental wellbeing and upheaval to their home life.

You have to do what is best for your children. Rightly or wrongly it's likely that they felt/feel abandoned by you. From your post you do not come across as overly confident in your ability to not do the same again. Why don't you move and stick with the agreed contact for a decent length of time and see how you cope with that?

Please could I ask anyone else only positive feedback if possible

Work with him not against him, he has been the constant in your children's lives for the last 4 and half year.

The children and my beautiful eldest daughter feels its not fair to come whenever they want as it isnt fair on the youngest she stands in solidarity with them and Im proud that she isnt selfish, she is just starting to feel able to see me without her siblings just now.Dad is controlling which is his issue not mine I know as is that it will fall into place and they are allowed to make their own choices i cant wait to be in that situation and actually am also just happy to wait but how far do you go to fight for their rights as children or do I simply leave it as it is tricky I mean he may surprise me and say "how lovely youre back of course you can see the children any time you like" not how its been im afraid.

Your children's father is, rightly, going to be cautious about allowing you fully and immediately back into their lives. Can you see it from his, and your kids, perspectives? You left them...and yes you had reasons for doing that and felt it was the best/only thing to do but that doesn't change the fact that your actions have consequences.

Im sorry op but it really is threads like this that is worth an AS before anyone advises.

thank you princess thats useful.Im not confident overly you are right I have been dragged through the mill with it all. And no he hasnt been constant his wife has ,he is not home and believe me I am hearing the childrens needs my eldest recently took an overdose in fact 3 of the children have been hospitalised and i havent been notified at all ,please have some kind of compassion when I say that mostly he has had the control because Ive been so frightened ! handing them to him was like loosing my limbs in one day and I did that in their best interests NOT MINE to suggest Im selfish is so sad.I dont want them back in my life for ME im hearing when I speak to them that they never wanted to be separated in the first place,I may have been unwell for a time and no 4 years isnt a long time to feel overly confident but yes it was really a question about housing them and any ideas.Princess thank you for settling my anxieties Im sure they have them too.

Thank you princes you have a kind way of speaking the truth.Yes slowly is fine I wasn't planning on doing any of this immediately at all in fact I may even be able to afford half decent flat as this area is much cheaper I was just after some thoughts or experiences although I know this is an upside down back to front situation.I guess I am also fearful that he will immediately stop contact again as he is not happy Im in the area slowly slowly catchy monkey so they say.

what does his wife say?

Do you have an open door policy with the kids (are you close enough that they could just come by if they wanted?).

Summer holidays are coming up- will you be able to take some/all away for several consecutive days.

Do you phone/text very day?

what does his wife say in all this?

I work in social housing & it would be incredibly unlikely that you will be eligible for a property big enough to house your children unless they live with you full time.

You could privately rent a property that was big enough but if yiu are reliant on HB or UC to pay your rent, you will be subject to the bedroom tax as again your property would-be deemed to large.

Your children will not be counted as being in your household for housing purpose unless you have residency of them, are eligible to receive child benefit for them etc. Even if you have court paperwork saying you have them on a 50/50 basis they wouldn't be taken into account.

This may be different in your area, but where I work we have over 3000 people on the housing register, most of whom will never be housed in social housing due to lack of priorities.

I wish you luck and suggest you contact your local authority and ask them about eligibility in your specific area.

No point in going back to court given the children's ages It's up to them to decide. Just let them know you're there for them, they will vote with their feet who they want to spend time with.

we have had no dialogue for 7 years unfortunately.I don't have the property for open door policy as yet but that is my aim(Ive only just decided to come back I had contact recently re-arranged but where I was living was too far away and couldn't sustain this financially ongoing. I had moved away in fear I guess and feeling that I wouldnt ever see the children again,then I met someone who told me not to give up so I haven't.This is all very new to us all so I guess Im also slightly nervous of what may happen.I have assured them both that I want no animosity and am extremely grateful for the care they give the children and obviously want to work with them not against them.There are 6 children in total in their household as his wife already had 2.Our summer holiday arrangement is 5 days where Im taking the children to see our family ( they havent seen them in 3 years) and are quite excited about going I have a large family up north and it does state 'any other contact to be arranged between the parties' so the ball is in their court mostly.I know princess is right and that they are probably still wary and damaged too as we all have been.I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone.

I would get a two bed place for now. There is no reason why you can't sleep in the lounge or have different DC on different nights or you share with the girls.

50:50 is a long way off but increasing contact isn't. With their ages their wants and needs would be listened to and taken into consideration by the courts.

The first step would be mediation and I would just frame it that you are moving closer as the DC want to spend more time with you and you want to facilitate it. Discuss increasing contact to something such as every Wednesday overnight plus EOW. If he is controlling and refuses to increase and you end up in court then aim for 50;50 factoring in that it would need to be built up to. He would look unreasonable unless there were significant concerns about you as a parent or the stability of your MH.

Once you could afford a 3 bed as CMS reduces then you could move again.

In reality the DC are getting old enough to vote with their feet. Remember at the moment you don't have to deal with the daily grind of looking after them so you will be getting the best of them. Also if your ex is going to cause conflict they may struggle to go against what he wants.

thank you this is much more positive advice yes I think I kind of knew that cheese plant but forgot the finer detail so thank you.I have 3 jobs secured only small manageable ones but maybe I can save and afford something that way.
My daughter offered to get a mortgage and me live with her bless her I wont take the offer but how grown up and lovely of her !Im getting there with it all and thats also good yes they can vote with their feet you are quite right.I must be confident in my abilities but I did loose that.

Oh just so you know I have a final order we've done the court stuff I have been deemed fit for contact TWICE, over once for years ago and again more recently after contact broke down after COVID.Anything that is implemented there now would simply be an amendment to existing order and I promise you the judge wouldn't be happy to see us again I think their dad knows that now they don't take kindly to this kind of behaviour on either part, the judges and magistrates have been really good to me through all of this I have to say

Your children need stability. Don't drag them through the courts and unsettle them after you walked out their lives and abandoned them. You won't get shared care and IMO you're lucky they want to see you for every other weekend. 17 and 19 and to be honest 15 could all come to visit more if they wanted.
Is this about them...or you? Mum has mental health problems, walks out their lives, reappears years later with unsuitable accommodation and a wish to have them live with her half the time. Is that in the best interests of your 12 year old?

Would it really be worth court though given you know have every other weekend and the ages of your children? The 17yo and 19yo can come and go at any point they want. By the time it gets to court, the 15yo is likely to be 16yo and won’t be covered as will be deemed they can also vote with their own feet. So, 3 children would essentially be able to spend as much time with you as they want. That only leaves the 12yo, who if they want would no doubt start to become fairly vocal. By the time you are sorted with housing and making sure every other weekend is sustainable and you can progress from that, your 12yo may be a few years on and it’s starting g to then get to the point where court orders are not really relevant with the child’s age.

yes we speak all the time although they are often too busy to chat on the phone.I picked my daughter up from work last night and am meeting my son after school for a milkshake today these things I couldn't do when I was far away, I am finding that at their ages they like small amounts of time with me rather than forced longer periods as they have busy social lives.

So why on earth are you wanting to force more contact?

And you have missed out a lot of very relevant info on this thread.

hopping pavlova also thank you yes (time!!!) as I always am reminded isnt it ,you are right Im near the end of this court mess at last thank you everyone you have helped settle my fears in this new situation where I am petrified xxx it brought tears to my eyes thank you again

For someone who says it's not about you, your posts are very self absorbed

Your kids are old enough to decide for themselves, don't put them back through court

when it comes down to it actually I'm proud that I left my miserable marriage ,was selfless enough to hand my children to the best care at the time.Learn how to be well on a daily basis on my own with next to no family support, have stayed single and am rebuilding my life from a clean slate with ONLY my children in mind my god its been messy at times yes but now I can start to hold my head up and say I did it !!!and for me thats one hell of a good example of living a true authentic life , I hope that if anything Ive taught them is that the world needn't drag you down even at the worst times.That is what I can offer. them