I love my son more than anything else but dear lord I hate being a mum at the moment. I'm not good at it at all. His father is a fucking useless. He has fought me to have him 50/50 but does nothing of the sort. I have to fight for everything. My son has ASC. He is non verbal and a whirlwind.
He isn't going to bed at the moment until late and then he gets into bed with me in the night. I'm constantly being touched.
During the evening I'm pulled places and I have to guess what he wants/needs. He and I both get frustrated when I get it wrong. Tonight he went to bed at a reasonable hour. My punishment for this is he has been awake since 2 am and constantly laughing at me and touching me. I just want to sleep and be left alone.
I know I sound fucking awful but honestly I just need a break. I'm fucking fat and ugly and miserable. I just want to be able to live a normal life where I can enjoy parenthood how my peers do rather than the constant battle I have. It's so lovely to spend time with children you can have a conversation with.
Obviously I love my son. I love spending time with him and he is the most sweetest adorable little boy. He genuinely puts a smile on most people's faces with his energy and enthusiasm for running. But sometimes it gets really lonely talking to him and getting absolutely nothing back.
I would give anything though for him to speak or understand me properly and for the love of God I wish he would stop touching me at 3 in the morning.
During the day I can manage and cope with how I'm feeling. In the late evening and night I just want to run away and sleep in peace.