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Original poster

How can I tell someone to STFU without actually saying STFU

17 replies

sugarhopper · 26/06/2023 19:07

I joined a group related to a hobby last year. Unfortunately there was very little hobby going on and after a few months I left. I did make a couple of friends there though. One of these ladies left some time before I did, for the same reason.
I found another local group and my friend from group 1 has also since joined.
Thing is, she doesn't shut up. She moans and complains constantly. She hates the town where we live (she moved here about 4 years ago) It's not as nice as her old home. It's too cold/windy here. The people aren't as friendly...The doctors, dentist, takeaways, post office aren't as good etc....
Due to the nature of the hobby, we all sit round a table. Many of the old guard aren't happy to move seats, so even if I do manage to sit somewhere else, she slots herself in next to me, which is a shame, as I've really enjoyed talking to some of the other people there when I've had the chance.
She's still bitching about some of the people from our old group where she's not been for over a year
She's an older lady, but physically and mentally fit. She lives with family, and is out every day meeting friends or going to groups, but whenever we're out she just seems to talk at me. She's also prolific on messenger, but I've taken to ignoring the majority of her messages, only replying to specific questions, and not indulging her complaints.
At our last group meeting one lady was trying to talk to me and she was just talking over her.
Help me out here! How do I deal with this? I don't want to just tell her to SHUT UP!! I don't mind a chat, but I'd like to chat with everyone else too.

OP posts:

Original poster

sugarhopper · 26/06/2023 23:24

Anybody?

OP posts:

Spinxsta · 26/06/2023 23:30

If she interprets just say "Mabel was just telling me about her kidney stones" then turn away and tell Mabel to carry on with her story.

With the constant negativity, which is so draining, just have a scripted one liner "I don't mind/do like xxxx so can we talk about something else" or "shall we try and be more positive as the negativity is quite draining" ... find your line and repeat.

CuteCillian · 26/06/2023 23:32

Can you call her bluff?
When she complains about the area, ask why she doesn't move?
When she bitches about other people, say you find the locals super friendly so maybe the problem is with her - innocent head tilt.
The problem may be that your new group begin to associate her personality with you, so you need to quickly shut her down.
" Oh Beryl- please stop the negativity or I will have to refuse to let you sit next to me" In a loud voice with a big smile.

Original poster

sugarhopper · 27/06/2023 13:47

CuteCillian · 26/06/2023 23:32

She can't move now as she moved here with her family, they sold their houses and moved in together.

Luckily I've had chance to speak to people in the other group and they're aware I'm not such a negative nelly!

I do try and say oh X is great, or we've had no problems with Y. But then I get a 5 minute monologue of why it's awful.

She's very draining. I have distanced myself a bit, but obviously we still go to the same group, and she's not really trying to make new friends there, although she knows a few from other groups which I don't go to, she's just sticking with me like glue

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2023 13:51

Tbh, sometimes a timely “Can’t you just STFU and stop bloody moaning” is exactly what’s called for . Ideally on the way out so she’s time to think it over.

WitcheryDivine · 27/06/2023 15:37

Could you tell her you're leaving, and then don't? You'd have to cruise past the group the first week in disguise/send someone to see if she still goes.

WitcheryDivine · 27/06/2023 15:39

But if you don't do that, I'm a big fan of saying to an interrupter "Hang on Betty, Jo was talking/I am listening to Jo/I am hearing about Jo's holiday" and then determinedly turning away from Betty towards Jo. It does work (and I've had it done to me when accidentally interrupted and I was suitably abashed!). If she does keep talking she'll be talking to herself.

LadyInBread · 27/06/2023 15:52

"Is there anything you DO like?"

Over and over

Brefugee · 27/06/2023 15:54

Interruptions: hand up and "XX was just telling me something" and keep up with the conversation, hopefully she'll go away. More interruptions "we're not finished yet" you can add "maybe later" if you want

Negative stuff: I think it's fine, i think they're friendly, i don't want to hear only negative stuff... repeat as required.

If it goes on? i'm with pp - sometimes a timely "STFU" is required.

xereen · 27/06/2023 15:54

People like this you can guarantee they're discussing you in similar fashion with other people. Probably the same people she's gossiping about.

xereen · 27/06/2023 15:55

Nod and polite smile. Don't engage.

topnoddy · 27/06/2023 16:30

You can always have group meetings that don't involve her , set up a different day/time for this and don't let her know anything about it

MuggleMe · 27/06/2023 16:44

Perhaps announce before she gets started on her next monologue that you've decided to have a more positive outlook on life and start therapising her. Oh poor dear, why do you think it is you're still fixed on these people you've not seen for a year, oh did you know it's really bad for your mental health to go on and on about negative things, I'm worried you'll become ill! Faux concerned look (maybe not...)

Wisterical · 27/06/2023 17:10

You don't have to leap straight from passively putting up with her to telling her to STFU. Tell her you find her negativity draining, that you just don't relate to it and that one of the reasons you joined the hobby group is to meet new people therefore you'd appreciate some space to talk to other people without her interrupting.

I doubt you'll do this, people seem to choose to silently resent other people rather than honesty address any issues. What a waste of time!

dudsville · 27/06/2023 17:27

I think the ideas here that interrupt her mid sentence are useful. I don't think the idea that involve in engaging her further will be enjoyable. So my addition is to be prepared to interrupt her and then turn to the others and ask one of them a question "x, i like your technique there, how did you learn it?". "X, last week you were speaking about ... any updates?". Even if that doesn't go anywhere then you still have a right to head space, so sure starts talking at you and you hold your hand up "hang on, i need to concentrate on this".

Original poster

sugarhopper · 27/06/2023 19:20

Wisterical · 27/06/2023 17:10

I doubt you'll do this, people seem to choose to silently resent other people rather than honesty address any issues. What a waste of time!

Your last paragraph there is a bit harsh. I'm asking for advice, and have already read some good points. Some of which I will try to use.

For reference, I'm very out of practise with social situations. I gave up work when I had my DC's, then just as they were becoming more independent, my parents became very dependent. It's only since my last parent died that I've been able to go out and socialise. All the old friends I had have moved on, or moved away, and I find myself at 50 with very few friends. Couple that with a deteriorating mobility issue, and I've pretty much lost the ability to "deal" with people in general.

And while I myself have been quite moany here about my friend, she does have good qualities, it's just that I feel monopolised by her at my group, which unfortunately I don't have the power to change either day or venue of which has been suggested.
I don't want to be rude, or upset her. I'm aware she has also lost a lot of her old friends because of the move, and it can't be easy settling into a new town when you're older.

OP posts:

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 27/06/2023 19:37

I think I might invite her for a coffee at a garden centre or other public place and say something along the lines of:
This is very difficult for me because I don’t want to offend you but when you do X,Y,Z I find it incredibly wearing. I know you haven’t done this intentionally but I’d be really grateful if you could work on being less negative when you’re around me.
If she is put out by that or doesn’t do it send her a message thanking her for her friendship but explaining that you can’t continue it under the circumstances. Good luck!

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