Friend cancer terminal stage - Please help, give me some rough idea on how much I could practically help

[Riverbreathes]

A friend of mine (known from work) has just informed people around that her breast cancer came back after being treated over 4 years ago. This time, she's been told it's at terminal stage.

I haven't got a chance to ask details yet, only having had spent the entire day in shock and all kinds of other mixed feelings.

We are not entirely close, but I know she doesn't have any friends closer or more reliable than me. Since she moved to this country for work less than ten years ago, she's alone here without any family support. I feel I would have to help as much as I can, as she has no one else. But I don't know how.

I have a family with two kids, one is still fairly young. We live in different towns, about 20 minutes drive.

I'm trying to think ahead what are the things that she would need help. But I can only think of it's terminal, she would only become weaker and weaker until lose the ability for self care.

I don't know, that's just my impression. I don't think I'm in a position to do things very involved on a daily basis, but she has no one else. I can't bear to leave her on her own when she's getting weaker and weaker.

Another concern is chemotherapy. After the treatment, their body fluid would be radioactive for a few days. I do worry how much I can be around to help physically, and certainly wouldn't want to bring anything back home near my children. (Sorry if this sounds ignorant. It's just the concerns raised from NHS website about patient care at home.) Would I be able to offer driving her using my car to hospital for treatment without concerns? Will I be able to help her settle back home after the treatment when she's really weak?

I feel guilty on one side that I sounds selfish. But I'm not trained to know how to stay safe while caring her. I absolutely would hate myself if I accidentally bring any radioactive materials (even just a tiny bit) back to home when I have a very young child to think of.

So I guess, I'm seeking for advice:

1. Practically how can I help and how much I can do when she has nobody else to rely on.
2. How concerned I need to be when I do help her around when doing chemotherapy? And how to stay safe for myself (and my family)?

Please don't accuse me for being selfish or being ridiculous. I just feel the immense weigh on my shoulder after the first shock. Then there's my own responsibility to my family...

https://caregiver.com/articles/keeping-safe-at-home/#:~:text=Traces%20of%20chemotherapy%20drug%20may,you%20to%20these%20chemotherapy%20drugs.

This is NHS source

First off, please give yourself a bit of time to feel your reaction, process the shock, and talk to someone like your husband or mum who will give you a listening ear.

Has your friend been the one who told you?

Ask her? She could want anything from carrying on the friendship like nothing has happened, to actual practical help when she's feeling rubbish.

Bear in mind that for breast cancer, the 'terminal stage' can mean not curable but not actually dying for several years.

Also chemotherapy does not make you radioactive. The only person at risk would be her, not anyone around her.

Also that link is not an NHS source and sounds nuts.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/types-of-treatment

DH has had an extensive radiotherapy and chemotherapy regime,in essence its the same precautions as for a nasty bout of d&v.

Chemotherapy isn't radioactive, these are two separate treatments, I would look at mcmillan rather than googling, they also have a helpline on the website who are fantastic.

In terms of support, did you support your colleague through the first treatment round? If not, there will be sources of support with passenger transport, adult social care, gp practices and local charities - on a practical level, it does not mean providing intimate care for someone.

You seem to be taking on the role of carer but have you even spoken to you friend to see if she wants you to do this?. From your post it sounds like she has broken the news generically to the work team and hasnt spoken to you seperately about it?.

the health and social care services will be able to offer appropriate care and support for your ex colleague, if and when it is needed.
there are also charities, macmillan, marie curie and hospice care.
it is not your role.
she has not asked you to do anything like this, and may feel you are intruding to suggest it.
i read of a person having cancer treatment.
she said everyone wanted to buy her useless gifts, books, so-called treats, or meals.
what she needed was someone to take her rubbish out, but didn't feel she could ask anyone to do that, as she knew they wanted to be doing something more heroic.

I also know someone with terminal cancer - she's my boss at work doing the same job as before. Feels a bit crap one day around treatment and that's it.

I don't think she needs anyone batch cooking for her.

Definitely speak to your friend for more information before getting ahead of yourself. My cousin recently died from breast cancer but she lived for 4 years after being told it was terminal so it doesn't necessarily mean she will go down hill quickly and actually she was 'fine' until the last 3 months

Help around her house, if she wanted that?.

Thank you everyone, for the informative posts and also bring me back to the baseline.

I have no idea why I thought that link was a NHS source. Probably in a too much unstable state of mind today.

She set up a WhatsApp group with me and a few other ex colleagues and broke news there. She put me as the contact point with her family - which shows me in a way my role in this should be something. I tried to reach her since midday, but she was out and connection was poor. Will try later again to find out more details.

I didn't go the first round with her, as I was 8-9 months pregnant and she found a friend to help with transport (this same friend has left the country now).

It's also good to know "terminal stage" in this context means she still has a few years. But it's just so so so sad to see this happening to her again - she's only just turning 40.

She put me as the contact point with her family - which shows me in a way my role in this should be something. ok so this is massively unfair on you OP. Your friend needs to at least have talked to you about this first, not just set you up in a group whatsapp. Also, why isnt your friend having the conversation with her family. I think you need to gather your thoughts - seriously think about what role YOU actually want, not the role she expects you to do....and be very honest with her from the start. Acting in a caring role can be a very very draining experience. Your friend will definatly need to accept professional, outside help.

@Ilikewinter , thanks for reminding me.

She's a very sensible person. I guess she probably doesn't expect me to do a lot for her. Just me , thinking about her situation and feeling the obligation.

She did ask me first about putting me in touch with her family. It's her brother wants someone could regularly check on her and be the emergency contact for her if she became too ill (like 999 situation).

Honestly, neither I nor her brother have any clue what the next many months or years would mean. Just a worst case scenario preparation, I suppose.

She never told her family in the first round and went through everything herself with the support of her other friend. I don't know much about how much was involved, as I was heavily pregnant and went for maternity leave before her treatment finished. And she never complained about anything and never showed any sign of weakness in spirit. That's the hardest bit, as I feel it's so unfair for her.

"terminal" breast cancer usually means it's stage 4 and is not able to be cured but can be controlled. There are always exceptions to this but many stage 4 breast cancers can be well controlled, often for several years or even more. Some can't but there are many women living with terminal breast cancer and are far from end of life. There are lots of ladies on instagram in their 30's and 40's who have incurable stage 4 breast cancer many of whom are still living full lives around treatment for 5+ years and some for much longer. I think before you do anything it's worth finding out whether she's at end of life or not. Also she might not want you doing anything, unless you're a very close friend.

Does she want to return to her home country to be with family?

Follow her lead - if she wants to talk about it fine, but if she wants to talk about Eastenders, then that’s fine also.

I have stage 4 breast cancer and still working (and having chemo!) Honestly and truly you need to speak to your friend to see what she needs/wants.

You sound very well intentioned but heading a little toward sympathetic head tilt territory. Treat her as you would have done before. She is still the same person!!! Take your lead from her x

Different cancers have different forms of chemo and my treatment was for bowel cancer. However, I received chemo alongside (and did physio alongside) breast cancer patients. The protocol when receiving the chemo was that you had to ensure that you closed the lid of the loo before flushing, and flush twice. I wasn’t advised to flush twice at home as far as I can remember. I have young(ish) children and there was no advice given re: the need to safeguard them etc etc. So I’m sure you’re fine!

I tell you all this in the spirit of “there are no stupid questions”; I can imagine you’re very upset about your friend/colleague. I’m so sorry to hear her news. I don’t know anything about her personal situation of course but for many people these days stage 4 cancer is an annoying chronic condition but one with which you can live a long time and enjoy a full life. I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of this awful news, I’m just saying wait until you know more 💐

When my friend was terminal, we went to chemo together and little day trips. Food shopping, afternoon tea, just little things really depending on where she was in the treatment cycle. Chemo day was usually OK as they pump you full of steroids and the drugs kick in overnight. We had lots of fun and silly times. I would also take her meals when she was in hospital, just nice food as hospital food is awful.

It is five years this August since she died and I still think of her every day.

Thanks everyone.

I just talked to her. I'm unsure about how much to ask, as I can sense she's reluctant to talk too much about it. She told me it has spread to other three organs, including liver. Her regular checkups did not pick it up, as it's not at the original source.

It probably has been going on for a while (9 months). But because these days GPs don't even bother to think there's any merit seeing patients, it's not until her half year meeting with her physician, it was picked up.

I didn't dare to ask how long it means. But it doesn't sound promising.

She doesn't want to return to home country, as she doesn't want to be subject to the extra pressure having to deal with the known social circles, the sympathies and the talks.

I know she doesn't want sympathy, but obviously the worry and the regret I have for her is different to suppress. But I will do my best to take all your advice, treat her with respect and like a normal person until she asks for anything.

Hold on. Don't give false hope.

That may be the case for some, but for others it means a matter of weeks. A terminal diagnosis specifically means less than a year, and for many people far far less than a year.

My mum died from breast cancer and what you are describing could not be further from my family's experience. It sure as hell wasn't just the odd day of feeling "a bit crap" either.

People giving us false hope made it even more horrific.

I'm really sorry op, but that sounds like it's going to be a very short timescale.

Follow her lead on what she wants or needs from you.

I mean, it's really hard to see this but not able to help her - she said she would hire carer for basic things if needed. I offered transport, but it sounds like she will try to find other means whenever she could, like taxi.

I feel like I'm a cold and selfish person, standing here not being able the offer anything.

Of course, I know my feelings are really the least of the concern. I will take her lead, as you all has advised...

I fear so too.

Just wanted to say that I’m so so sorry for you and for your friend, this is very sad. Praying for you all 💐