If you are an unsympathetic but cheerful Cowbag, please step this way

[lljkk]

I have 2 relatives who are catastrophising about health things.
Today had Long calls on Facetime about their situations, I can't give them a hug or just sit and listen in same room.
So both Turning to me for support, to some extent.
The more they fret, the more resolutely I want to at least privately feel glass half full about their situation. Focus on the positives not negatives. But I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to say anything like that, because they obviously don't like what I said when I try. No suggesting alternative ways of looking at their situation, that the odds are much in their favour, that they can still live life well today even if future is uncertain. That uncertainty is opportunity not calamity. Those are the sorts of thoughts in my head. Their worst fear diagnosis is not confirmed & even if it is, there are so many treatments that could work. The only thing they have suffered from so far is fear & anxiety, a mindset which they seem quite determined to not let go of.

I imagine what I'm supposed to do is just listen? But it's draining. To protect my own mental health I'll end up just avoiding them & limiting contact if they spiral into only thinking & talking the worst. I'm not tough enough to withstand being around super unhappy emotional people. The relative with no diagnosis at all, is prone to panic attacks which are very upsetting to be exposed to.

Any suggestions?

ps:
relative 1 is elderly, has new diagnosis of heart condition that 2 of their siblings were treated successfully for
relative 2 is young, has a dodgy mole 1st noticed yesterday

[Anklespraying]

I can't stand listening to people's health problems and I would never do it to anyone.

[yogasaurus]

Don’t indulge it. It’s not being helped by your listening to them, it just continues. Urge them to seek professional help.

[thelengthspeoplegoto]

One of my friends is a little like this. Her conversation always comes round to her health woes. Of course I sympathise but it's dull after a while. If our group are meeting up, myself and one of the other girls will check each other is going, it's much easier to deal with.

[lljkk]

Thank you. 😃

[pictoosh]

Some people are terrible health bores. They become fixated on their own health concerns and will also talk about other people's...even people you don't know. They are insufferably dull and repetitive. I don't think they realise that other people aren't fascinated by the subject like they are.

I used to work with a woman who always had something wrong with her to discuss at length and in detail as well as the health of her relatives. By god her patter was shit.

[SilverGlitterBaubles]

I have a relationship that does this yet when I suggest that they need to see a GP to get a proper assessment they make every excuse possible not to. I have very little tolerance for this.

[SnapPop]

Yes, it's boring listening to people talk about their health for ages, and I agree they usually want to just moan rather than hear a positive interpretation. Sympathy OP!

[IHeartGeneHunt]

I have lots of sympathy for anyone with genuine problems, health or otherwise. But zero for anyone who is just whining about shit they could easily sort out, or who is making it up for whatever reason.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

OP I was diagnosed with cancer last year. I’ve had an op (plus another op for something unrelated) at the start of this year and the cancer is gone. I told a few friends and work several weeks before the cancer op and only extended family a few days before the op as they are worriers and fret. All clear now (hurrah!) but I couldn’t stand being near people who were so worried. All the way through I remained positive and ended up “geeing up” the worriers and anxious. That was more draining than going through the cancer.

So in a nutshell, OP, offer a sympathetic ear once or twice but keep the positive approach. If it’s not welcome, do not sit there being morose with them. It doesn’t help anyone.

[Fairyliz]

@SilverGlitterBaubles

I have a relationship that does this yet when I suggest that they need to see a GP to get a proper assessment they make every excuse possible not to. I have very little tolerance for this.

To be fair can you actually see a GP nowadays?
I think it would be easier for me to get an audience with the Pope than see a GP at my surgery and I’m not even a catholic.

Perhaps you could help them with the phone calls, online forms/portals etc which can be overwhelming if you are elderly.

[BroomHandledMouser]

DH’s mother is like that. She LOVES it when someone/her is potentially poorly. Comes over and tells me who’s died this week.

It’s draining, it’s awful and it’s so hard to get her to change perspective so now I ignore.

Funny really as DH has had a huge health scare which isn’t fully over. We sat down and told her and in her next breathe asked when he could come and mow the lawn for her.

Amazing.

[BonnyNorton]

I am surprised by these responses. I am a positive thinker and pretty resilient and proactive but I am also old! As you get older you realise that everyone, really everyone, has a bad patch in their life that no amount of optimism and jollying along can deal with. Sometimes a bad patch is a serious illness or terrible event of some kind but sometimes it’s just a feeling of sadness or anxiety that you can’t shake off. It’s not a moral failing, sadness and anxiety is an aspect of life which everyone has to deal with at some point. Really everyone.

When you feel consumed by worry about an illness or anything else, being told to pull yourself together just doesn’t work. If it did, then therapists and counsellors wouldn’t exist. You can’t tell someone how they ‘should’ be feeling about something. The other person isn’t asking for your advice about the medical issue or instructions how to be a better person. They just want a listening ear while they struggle with something they find difficult, even if it doesn’t seem difficult to you.

If you can’t bear to listen, then don’t. But stop listening in order to protect yourself because it annoys you. Don’t do it to teach someone a lesson. It doesn’t work and it’s immature.

One day it will be you.

[BonnyNorton]

Cheerfulness is not necessarily and always a moral virtue.

[FavouriteDogMug]

I think it's a balance, a friendly chat and a little empathy and reassurance can make a big difference when you have a health problem or worry but at the same time you aren't their therapist.

[daffodilandtulip]

This was one of the many things that broke my relationship with my mother. Even post covid days, she visits the GP weekly with various made up ailments. She's never worked, due to made up ailments. She even used to wear one of those next brace things when I was much younger. (Healed itself that did though .) Its tiresome and life is short.

[SorrowsPrayers]

Cowbag! I haven't heard that expression since I was at school. Love it!

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

@daffodilandtulip

This was one of the many things that broke my relationship with my mother. Even post covid days, she visits the GP weekly with various made up ailments. She's never worked, due to made up ailments. She even used to wear one of those next brace things when I was much younger. (Healed itself that did though .) Its tiresome and life is short.

Next brace? Have they branched out?

[howmanyhobbies]

In 2023 the culture is to protect ourselves by withdrawing whenever another person’s worries are becoming too much for us. This is all very well but what happens when we need someone to talk to?

[BonnyNorton]

@howmanyhobbies
too tue! Every single time I go on social media I read somebody proudly and angrily talking about setting their boundaries.

[daffodilandtulip]

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto hahaha this bloody phone. Neck brace. Like what paramedics put on you in a rtc.

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

@daffodilandtulip that's bonkers. Did she actually source one herself and wear it for a while?

OP I think "cheerful but unsympathetic cowbag" would be how most people would describe me

[daffodilandtulip]

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

@daffodilandtulip that's bonkers. Did she actually source one herself and wear it for a while?

OP I think "cheerful but unsympathetic cowbag" would be how most people would describe me

Yep. A while being about ten years.

[lljkk]

They need to share their worries with multiple people, Hobbies. I suggested young relative talk to friends & house-mates, "Oh no I can't do that, would be such a downer!" I kept saying that people like to be helpful & so give them the opportunity to be helpful. Rel#2 did talk to friends about it, in the end. So maybe I did good. And I told Rel#1 to Facetime me if they get bored during hospital stay, if they get another unexpected and boring hospital stay. I can babble at them cheerfully as a distraction from the boredom. They were told they were very high risk yadayada but then nothing bad actually happened except boredom & worry. Discharged home now with bunch of drugs to take daily according to various rules (but competent loving spouse support to take the meds correctly, too). They have other relatives they could natter with from hospital bed, too.

It was just the determination to think pessimistically that made me feel useless. Are they just being honest about their worst fears and that unloading is their therapy? It felt like they were resolutely focused & didn't want to think outside the "it's terrible" box.

I pointed out to young relative that once you look at lots of cancer mole webpages, Google only feeds you the same in next searches about skin moles, tailoring to what appears to be your only interest. Literally just trained Google to feed the obsession which is why young relative can't find any other information now.

Feels like Canute attempting to hold back the tide, though.