Man shouting at me in the pub-what shall I say if he says something next time?

[dogdilemmasagain]

There's a man who goes in my local pub who I've never liked, always found him a bit shifty, got a bad feeling about him, didn't think he treated his partner very well, he seemed to flirt with the barmaid in an inappropriate way (someone told me they'd seen her sitting on his lap once).

He's the same man involved in my thread from a while ago, if anyone remembers it or thinks it relevant.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4744839-wwyd-here-my-dog-and-pub-related-name-changed-as-quite-outing?page=3&reply=123976029

Anyway, over the weekend I was sitting in the pub and he came over to me, shouting really quite loudly.

Turns out I'd said something to someone and he'd overheard and thought I was saying things about him! I absolutely was not. He just misheard/misconstrued what I said. I was saying something about someone I know not liking my cooking! I don't know what he thought I'd said, or why he thought I was talking about him, or which bit he misheard or anything. I didn't fully catch what he said either as it was loud in the pub and it happened so fast, all of a sudden he was just there and I didn't realise it was me he was addressing at first. He looked very aggressive too.

I must have looked shocked, but said straight away something like 'I didn't mean you, wasn't talking about you at all!' but I feel it was rude and unnecessary to shout at me about it anyway, wouldn't you just ask someone calmly if you felt they were saying something about you?

He did apologise, and quickly went back to where he was standing, but I was wary of him already and am even more so now.

Of the previous thread, he had a dog (admittedly quite a small one) sat on his lap recently too. I think it was one of his friend's dogs, who was sat next to him. Would someone petrified of dogs do this? I suppose that's unfair, perhaps It's just larger ones.

If I see him again (and I am likely to) and he says anything about this incident I am not sure what I'll say. I want to say 'I am not afraid of men shouting, Eustace, worry not!' but that doesn't seem quite right. I have a feeling he'll say something though.

Get your phone out and video. Place on facebook/nextdoor. Job done.

Don’t engage with crazy

I probably should have done that, @Innocents4321 . It all happened so so fast. I just know he'll probably speak to me about it again.

Say nothing, reach around to whomever he is with/talking to and mouth 'is your .... friend okay?' as if you think they are his carers.

@JobzaGoodun
I have a chequered history with angry men (was raised by one) unfortunately so I am all up for humiliating him and he didn't frighten me-for some reason I've a feeling he'll address me alone though.

I would stand up and tell him loudly to leave you alone and make it so that everyone notices. This might make him think again!

Ok, just possible he has mental illness and hears “voices”. It’s surprisingly common. This is just the sort of crap my ex would do. He’d hear someone random use one the the “hook” words that’d play into his delusions, and all the real narrative would fall away and he’d hear only his hallucinations. Sounds bizarre, but this can happen and what you’re describing scribing in terms of unprovoked interpretation fits the bill

not that it excuses aggressive behaviour. My ex is ex for a reason. But sometimes having a bit of insight why someone may have thought you said something about them, can be helpful to not take it to heart or overthink

sounds like the guy has other issues for you too, just try to ignore and not engage with him. Don’t argue back, or defend yourself at great length, just say “you misheard something I didn’t say” and as far as dog is concerned “the publican alows my dog in here and my dog is under control”.

If he's there I would just note his presence. If he approached you again I would tell him calmly that in no uncertain terms is he to interact with you in any way. Then ignore/ask the bar staff to be aware/remove him.

I definitely wouldn't record for Facebook. That may only escalate his behaviour and I can't see what purpose it would serve.

Really good advice.

Film him then upload to as many SM apps as possible.

He's totally un hinged.

Thank you @Appleofmyeye2023 -Definitely am not upset about it, I had my reservations about him already. I am learning to trust my instincts about people, I never have before and as is often said on here, they're usually right! I used to ignore or gloss over them.Its possible he has an issue with 'hearing things', and I definitley think he has issues with me(likely to do with my not finding him attractive and not flirting with him, I think)!

Thanks all who've responded. I will grey rock him, as they say!

@Irridescantshimmmer you don't need to quote the OP. It's a given you are replying to the OP. It just makes threads ridiculously long to scroll through. It's a massive bug bear on MN when people do this.

Separately if someone is unhinged, why inflame them by posting on SM where he will be able to see your name. Really. Don't do this.

If he approaches you and looks embarrassed then hear him out, then tell him you want him to leave you alone in future.

If he approaches you in an aggressive manner again then tell him, loudly, that he needs to leave you alone. Repeat it getting louder each time until he backs down. I mean the words "you need to leave me alone" and not "leave me alone" as the first implies continuous harassment, the latter a one off.

I really really hope you are continuing to take your dog in. You need it, your dog needs it. He can go elsewhere.

Thank you again everyone. I'll update if he does say anything.

I've learned from a friend that he shouted at him that night too. About my dog!

He'd told friend I shouldn't be bringing dog in. Friend said it was a dog friendly pub and the dog hasn't done anything wrong. He'd shouted something about how frightening it was for him and how he's (friend) no idea etc etc.

Friend told him to grow up!

I don't know about this man, I am thinking he likes to intimidate and bully perhaps? The friend he had shouted at is a small man, about 5'5 and slightly built-although he's assertive and confident and it wouldn't have bothered him.

I am a small female. Perhaps I am overthinking this now.

He is not well at all. Ignore him, and if he doesn't leave you alone, leave. There are times when a 'higher ground' approach is best, and this is one of them.

I think people who have not grown up in aggressive environments will typically tend to remove themselves sooner. So it might be worth noticing if your own conditioning makes you tolerate and/or stay with what others would not.

@CeciNestPasUnPipi that's true-and I did grow up with a very angry man.

Everyone else in the pub seems to like this man a lot. And I know some of them really like him as they've mentioned it. Just me whose spidey-senses went off, it seems.

Surely filming it and uploading to social media can only inflame and escalate this situation in public, which would serve no purpose.

I'd certainly be telling him to back off and leave me alone in no uncertain terms, and then refusing to engage with him. Blanking him if necessary so that he gets fed up of trying.

He apologised, so why rock the boat?

I'm not on social media anyway, although I am on nextdoor. I won't be putting it anywhere-I only wanted to think about what I'll say if he says something else to me.