How much effort do your adult children make over your birthday?

[Youknowaboutthepaint]

I'm a widow. DC were late teens when their father died. I was very clear at the time that I didn't want anyone burdening them with the idea that they need to look after me or become "the man of the house" etc

However, I'm not sure it was necessary, they've never shown any inclination that they want to step up. It was my birthday this week. Sons now 20 & 22 made a very cursory effort after being reminded by my mum.

I've never been big on birthdays (so tbf that's the example they've been set). They know I'm not bothered about expensive presents and would prefer they didn't spend their money, but I did expect that they arrange their social lives so that the occasion could be marked in some way.

Or maybe I'm just feeling sensitive because there's not really anyone else to make an effort for me these days and it's an unrealistic expectation of young adult DC? They both live at home still.

I'm afraid when my children were little I trained them by example to believe that my birthday didn't matter. Memo to all mothers of young children: Do not allow this to happen to you. My son and my youngest daughter are both "occasions" people and give me a present on my birthday, but I'm not sure my other daughters even know when it is.

It's perfectly reasonable to expect your sons to acknowledge and make some effort for your birthday.

It's my mum's birthday today. I've given her a gift (about £40 spent), phoned her again said I'll take her out to lunch when I next visit. Nothing granted but marking a birthday and doing something nice.

I suggested my 2 DDs message her happy birthday. 1 has done. The other probably hasn't.

Unfortunately I think my DD that hasn't said happy birthday to her granny will be just like your sons when she's a bit older. It's disappointing because I'm sure you make sure their birthdays are noted.

OP, you have told them you are not big on birthdays, so why should they "do" anything? I would have thought that the anniversary of (their?) father's death would be more meaningful, and maybe also something they just want to get past ASAP so celebrations in the same period are not appropriate for them.

I will never understand adults who make a fuss about their own birthdays, to be fair. It's just another day & pretty meaningless - best to ignore & move on.

I've never wanted or expected big presents, but we always did something for birthdays with DH, even if it was just a birthday tea. DH would have got the boys to help with that even when they were very small.

Happy Birthday OP! I'm sorry your DH isn't here anymore to help with these sorts of things.

I think at 20/22 they could sort a card and perhaps cook you a nice meal. It's hard if birthdays haven't always been the biggest fuss, they might just not realise how much it means to people.

I do the same for both my mum and MIL, flowers, balloons, card and a meal somewhere they like. We do presents too occasionally but more for big birthdays.

I know before I came on the scene my MIL didn't get much fuss from her two sons - they and FIL didn't realise the amount it would mean to her and because non of them were particularly bothered about their birthdays they assumed MIL wasn't either. She cried the first birthday I sorted everything for her - luckily now (many years on) they've all stepped up and realised what it means for her, they just needed showing.

I've never had a birthday party, a couple of friends to tea was the limit.

While ours were growing up, We couldn't afford parties, but we did do a small gift, card, and cake. No big fanfares or days off. In turn, they don't make a fuss of our. I don't expect it either.

These days, it's a fb message and a phone call. Milestone birthday gets a bit more attention, but that's it.

Some of us are grateful to make it to each birthday depending on our lives. We're all different.

My grandma always said to make the most of your own birthday. Don't expect others to. You never know when it might be your

Sorry OP. DDs are 20 and 22 and the four of us all make a fuss of each other’s birthdays. We enjoy it. I disagree that they need to be given a steer at this age - they really shouldn’t. Sorry about your DH. Xx

I was widowed when my 3 children were teenagers,they are adults now and barely bother with my birthday or Mother’s Day,I don’t let it bother me any more.I just buy myself presents.

That's awful. I hope you don't get them anything?

This year my parents both had a round bday close together, so my siblings and I threw a huge party with all their friends and family.
Usually on normal birthdays my parents like to stay in because they get lots of visitors throughout the day. Its kind of a tradition that the birthday person hosts and people just come over. I often chip in for the catering or when my mum makes the snacks herself i go over early to help her and bring flowers or a small gift.
Since she is hosting her own party i would also clear up glasses and dishes etc throughout the evening and wash up. My mum cant leave dishes til the next day, so i know she would be stuck at night finishing all the dishes. She is always very glad when the last person leaves and the kitchen is pretty much done.

If you want to change what you do / have done for the last 20 years, then you need to make that clear, and arrange a day out or a meal or whatever it is you are after.

Yes, this. Retrain them, make some suggestions. Communicate with them away from the event, in advance of the next.

My DS’s need ‘reminding’ ( strongly and in the nicest possible way 😉) that sometimes their behaviours are not ok and make me sad!

I can't take time off work (education) to celebrate birthdays, but we might do this on the nearest weekend. My parents appreciate a trip out, including a cafe stop, during the day, more than a present or a meal.

My DSs are teenagers but always make a big fuss of me on my birthday but that’s because I’ve always set that example. I don’t do much for my mum because she’s an absolute misery about birthdays so I don’t bother. I think kids pick up on these things - I know I did 🤷‍♀️

What's your relationship with them like in general?

I'm really close to my mum so I buy her flowers, call her and take her out for a meal or coffee/cake on the nearest convenient date (I work full time and she volunteers a lot so it's hard to find a date we're both free).

My dad doesn't bother with me much and I can't remember the last time he called or made an effort to talk to me so he just got a cheap standard gift 🤷‍♀️

Sorry you are disappointed op but I wouldn’t really be expecting any joined up thinking about this until your sons are at least past the age of twenty-five and their brains are fully formed.

Anthropologically speaking, to be very simplistic, young men and women are designed to be fairly inward looking and selfish as a protective mechanism to spur them on to leave home/the compound/the village to go and seek mates, but keep them safe at the same time.

Having said that, I think I might have tried a bit of humour in your situation op. Asked them what culinary delight they were planning to prepare for my birthday surprise? Tell them you are going to starve yourself all day in anticipation of the lovely birthday meal they had planned for me. 😜. You can always order in a takeaway if it goes belly up, but at least you could celebrate together.

Another strategy would be to prepare the meal yourself, invite a close friend to celebrate with you and either invite or ignore your boys depending on how you feel.

Hope you have a lovely birthday op 💐

Not a lot really - just the one, 22. He asks what I want and buys a present but wouldn't make any additional effort . Although TBF, last year DH and I were away on holiday on my birthday ! I would like to think though , that if I were in your situation he would step up a bit more . I suspect that, for you, your feelings are possibly more about losing your DH and possibly your life in general, rather than just your birthday ? Perhaps your birthday being close to the anniversary of your DH's death makes your sadness more pronounced at this time? Maybe you need to have a chat with them about how you are feeling .

I've just seen your other thread OP, I'm so, so sorry. You and your DC have had such an awful time. I hope you are all able to take time out and enjoy your birthday