Accepting you are just a bit odd (meant nicely!) and social anxiety

[theoddoneasalways]

I've lived with a level of social anxiety my whole life. It affects me in weird and wonderful ways. There is the usual not feeling comfortable in a group of people I don't know, being terrible at small talk, being very prone to blushing, getting tongue tied etc. I will often avoid situations when I can. I have a diagnosis of ADHD which I'm sure will explain some of my oddness!
I also experience challenges with people I know well, with friends I've known for years or even with family. There are some people I'm always comfortable with and others who no matter how lovely they are I will always feel uncomfortable around them.
I'm really struggling at work at the moment. Everyone in my team is a nice person. There are a couple of people that I work with that I have known for a very long time who I consider proper friends. There are also a few other people who for whatever reason I feel comfortable around. But there are quite a few whom I can really struggle with even though they are lovely. I dread work gatherings, shared lunches etc as I have to "perform" which I hate. Any event that involves "networking" is pure bloody torture!
I'm also hyper aware that it's noticeable so that in turn means that people don't want to make an effort with me (although none would ever be mean to me).
I've started to waffle now, I know! Basically I'm a nice person that spends a lot of time feeling very awkward but who has been lucky enough to develop some close friendships. I'm 50 so I'm not going to change, I just need to finally accept that some people will inevitably think I'm weird but that is fine.
Is it fine? It has to be, doesn't it?

[duacheapa]

I bloody hope it's fine! As you've just described me! (bar the ADHD diagnosis, been accused of having it many times in life).
I'm 34, and since turning 30, I've really realised a lot about myself. Being told during CBT a couple of years ago 'you have social anxiety', was like a lightbulb moment. It explained so much of my behaviour and how I've struggled to maintain relationships (platonic and otherwise) throughout my life.
And I'm ok with it; that I'm a bit weird. Outwardly, I appear very outgoing, but inwardly, I prefer my own company and don't really have 'friends'. Acquaintances yes, but not friends. I'm not a social butterfly. And I never will be.
I think I can come across a bit 'much', or 'weird' or almost 'scatty', but I know it's me overcompensating, for the horror I feel inside.
So to save everyone (myself included) I try and keep myself to myself and my gob shut.
Thank you for your post, it's ok to embrace the social anxiety

[thirdfiddle]

I have found it helps just to admit to myself that I find social situations difficult, particularly when it's a very noisy environment - it manages my expectations, and when I really can't deal any more I take a break or leave. And that way sometimes it's a pleasant surprise if it somehow works out.

I also try to try. I have to do it consciously as I'm not a natural small-talker, but have some questions or subjects ready to drop into a conversation hole. A really helpful tip someone gave me is don't think about your experience, think about what you can do to improve someone else's experience. It helps take away the self-consciousness. If you know they're interested in football, ask how their team is getting on. If you know they like travel, ask where their next trip is planned. If you've been to an event together, ask what they thought of the speakers. I have resigned myself to low expectations of my own social ability, so it's not going to be original and exciting, but at least starting a topic gives people a hook to get talking.

So so familiar though what you say about work events and networking. I dread it every time. My favourite social things are with a small group - about 4 works for me, too many and I tend to end up hovering confused between two conversations, too few and I feel I'm letting the side down not being able to keep conversation flowing.

Oh, and if you're anywhere you can volunteer to help that's a brilliant solution. Everyone appreciates it and you get talking to people while you're doing it.

[YouCantTourniquetTheTaint]

Yeah, I spent 36 years masking and hiding who I really am. I sort of did and acted how I thought I should act. And did what I thought I should do. Now I know I have ADHD, and there's a reason I'm "different" for want of a better word, I generally don't give a flying fuck about how people judge me. I am me, and I'm no longer going to suppress who I am to fit in.

Bottom line is that I am weird, I've got social anxiety and I'll be reserved unless I'm comfortable with you.

I saw this yesterday on FB, I think it fits this thread...

[Pinkscaf]

It's what we are. I've been told to really try and focus on what someone is saying. That helps. But nothing will stop me putting my foot in it.

[Coronado2]

I've started doing 2 things- thinking about what social situations I put myself into, which means I don't do some things I might want to or feel i should, but I know I ultimately won't enjoy. The other thing is where I have to do things, being more open with people and saying I struggle socially, or I find this specific situation hard.

[GinBooksChocs]

The older I get, the more I feel everyone thinks everyone else is weird.

I try to embrace my weirdness 😂

[theoddoneasalways]

@thirdfiddle

I have found it helps just to admit to myself that I find social situations difficult, particularly when it's a very noisy environment - it manages my expectations, and when I really can't deal any more I take a break or leave. And that way sometimes it's a pleasant surprise if it somehow works out.

I also try to try. I have to do it consciously as I'm not a natural small-talker, but have some questions or subjects ready to drop into a conversation hole. A really helpful tip someone gave me is don't think about your experience, think about what you can do to improve someone else's experience. It helps take away the self-consciousness. If you know they're interested in football, ask how their team is getting on. If you know they like travel, ask where their next trip is planned. If you've been to an event together, ask what they thought of the speakers. I have resigned myself to low expectations of my own social ability, so it's not going to be original and exciting, but at least starting a topic gives people a hook to get talking.

So so familiar though what you say about work events and networking. I dread it every time. My favourite social things are with a small group - about 4 works for me, too many and I tend to end up hovering confused between two conversations, too few and I feel I'm letting the side down not being able to keep conversation flowing.

Oh, and if you're anywhere you can volunteer to help that's a brilliant solution. Everyone appreciates it and you get talking to people while you're doing it.

One of my challenges is that I have an awful memory, and stress makes this worse. So when I'm talking to someone I often won't remember something they've told me or I'll be silently wracking my brains about that info whilst also trying to concentrate on that they are saying. I want to be interested and curious but I often don't have the cognitive bandwidth. I can also struggle to remember faces too. So at work, for example, if a peripheral team member is visiting I may not remember that we've met before. I've made the mistake before of introducing myself to someone I had met more than once. That was so so embarrassing and I has affected how that person interacts with me now when I see them.

[theoddoneasalways]

@Coronado2

I've started doing 2 things- thinking about what social situations I put myself into, which means I don't do some things I might want to or feel i should, but I know I ultimately won't enjoy. The other thing is where I have to do things, being more open with people and saying I struggle socially, or I find this specific situation hard.

I have started to be more honest with friends now which feels quite freeing.

[Oioicaptain]

I like this thread! Yes, everyone needs to embrace their quirks. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being introvert or socially anxious. In fact, in many parts of the world, introverts are favoured in the employment sector over confident outgoing people. Today I went swimming and encountered a lady swimming for the first time in a mermaids costume. She got us all chatting to her about it and it made for a much more interesting swim. I admired her confidence. The more that you can be yourself unapologetically, the more you enable those around you to do the same. Thanks for starting this thread.

[notsosoftanymore]

Very familiar to me too. I only recently came across the term masking, it's good to have something to describe how you live when you feel like the odd one out all the time.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint love that quote of Timothy Leary's from FB, right on.

@theoddoneasalways I'm a bit older than you and I still struggle with being too nice and saying the 'right things' and trying desperately to fit in. Sometimes afterwards I hate myself for what I've said or done and for how unauthentic it makes me feel and also even more disconnected.

Just recently, after a short session of counselling sessions with a counsellor who really 'got me', something has changed and I've started being really honest with people about how I feel. I think I've lost one friend but suddenly, I've had a whole raft of good responses where I know I would have messed up before. Good luck OP, let's embrace being weird.😊

[PussInBin20]

Yep, another weirdo here too lol. Even my DH has told me this and that “I’m not like other women” but obviously he doesn’t mind. He is very social and talks to anyone and everyone so I guess we balance each other out and I probably would be more introverted without him.

I also accept it’s just me and that’s who I am.

I am much better with animals tbh.

[wonderstuff]

OP you sound so similar to me! I really struggle with remembering faces too, any visual information really, I can’t visualise at all, which is incredibly awkward, I work in a large school and I really struggle with remembering who staff are let alone the kids. I was diagnosed with adhd about 6 years ago, and I’m much more accepting of myself since then. It’s still super frustrating. I tend to avoid all work social events, I just can’t enjoy mixing with a large group of people, I get fomo, and I worry I’m missing opportunities to make closer relationships, but I also know I get overwhelmed and anxious and if I do something really awkward I stew on it for ages.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Yeah, I spent 36 years masking and hiding who I really am. I sort of did and acted how I thought I should act. And did what I thought I should do. Now I know I have ADHD, and there's a reason I'm "different" for want of a better word, I generally don't give a flying fuck about how people judge me. I am me, and I'm no longer going to suppress who I am to fit in.

Bottom line is that I am weird, I've got social anxiety and I'll be reserved unless I'm comfortable with you.

I saw this yesterday on FB, I think it fits this thread...

This Timothy Leary? Once described as the most dangerous man in the US, and got kicked out of Berkeley where he was a lecturer due to his obsession with pyschedelic drugs….. Tune in, turn on, drop out was his famous phrase l believe. ✌🏻✌🏻🍁

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Leary

[YouCantTourniquetTheTaint]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I have just read his wiki page, and I like him!

Plus he was right, there's trials with microdosing magic mushrooms for depression!

And now you can get a private prescriptions for THC, for things like depression, ADHD, and pain relief.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to afford a consultation, because when I last participated with the old puff puff pass, my pain due to a back injury went, and all of a sudden I was able to clean the kitchen. I had loads of energy.

Alas, I'm on like 10 different meds, including 4 that the local druggies would be jelous of. It doesn't make sense to me.