Bossy patronising colleague

[bay391]

Can I please take a moment to vent about my awful colleague

I work in a small department in a big organisation, there are 5 of us in total. We're our own separate unit, don't really have anything else to do with the rest of the org (think education type setting). It's a quiet department, easy-going attitude, nothing high-stakes etc.

My colleague is a middle aged women who sits on the reception desk, she also acts as the assistant to the head of the department. HOD is a lovely older man, he's very relaxed and laid back. Just trying to set the scene!

I joined the team about 6 months ago, she has been there about a year. We are equal levels and she is not my boss, HOD is my line manager. But I am absolutely at the end of my tether with the way she speaks to me and treats me like she is my manager.

A few examples:

• In a group setting with other colleagues she asked me a question, I answered 'yeah, xyz...' she scolded me and told me not to say 'yeah' as I sound like her teenage children
• Every time I leave the office she will ask me where I'm going, in a snappy, pointed tone. Once instance where I was talking to HOD by her desk as I was leaving, and I can hear her saying 'where are you going?' 'where are you going?' repeatedly!
• She tries to take over EVERYTHING I do. Part of my role is organising small internal events. So I organise the catering, decorations etc. She will comment on every. single. thing. I do and say how she would have done it. She will bring in her own decorations from home and start putting them up in the event space, when I have finished decorating, and when I'm setting up she catering she will say things like 'I wasn't going to put that food out until xyz time'.... it's not your job!!!
• I can't open a cupboard or even look at anything without hearing her pipe up 'what are you doing?'
• Her general tone is completely patronising and belittling. I am younger than her and more reserved (not shy, just reserved), whereas she is very loud and loves the sound of her own voice, so I think she feeds off my personality tbh. She is generally obnoxious but doesn't treat anyone else as bad as she speaks to me.

And then yesterday I am wfh. We have a young intern who comes in to do some admin work, I manage his time. Another colleague asked me if they can use some hours with him and I say 'yes of course, he's in from xyz time so just take as much time as you need and I have told him to let me know when he's done with you and I'll send him some more work to do.'

So why do I have the receptionist emailing me 30 minutes after he's arrived that he doesn't have work to do and I need to sort it asap and I need to 'communicate'. It has absolutely nothing to do with her - both colleague and intern know to message me, the same process as always.

If I was her in that situation I would simply say to the intern 'send Bay a message and they will send you more work to do, but let me know if you get stuck' but she can't help but jump onto me with something else to point out.

Reading this all back I feel like it doesn't come across as bad as it is... but it is CONSTANT. Every single day, anything I do is commented on or questioned. I have never in my life worked with anyone who is so patronising and belittling and treats me like I report in to them when we are equal levels!

Anyone else have an annoying colleague they want to vent about?

There are different ways of responding sweetly"oh, why do you ask?" versus a sullen "why are you asking?".

The professional thing to do would be to remain smiley and polite (but not fawning), and to calmly address the situation with your colleague:
Do you both have written job descriptions. Is there a clear structure chart that shows reporting lines?
E.g. I would set up a meeting to discuss roles and responsibilities, ensure you have both job descriptions. Point out your observations of her actions at events you're responsible for organising - as objectively and possible - and ask does she agree this is your responsibility and not hers. Make notes. Play back in writing afterwards.

Once you have tried to address this with her professionally and identified a stalemate that you can't resolve between you then you can escalate to your HoD.

Meanwhile keep a record of the comments and behaviour - as PP say this could represent bullying.

I just wanted to update to say thank you for all your replies and sorry I have not responded, it has been a busy week. But I thought I would let you know that another incident this week has been the last straw for me and I will be putting in a meeting with my boss next week to raise the issues.

If anyone has any tips or advice before I meet my boss I would be grateful, I am part of a union if that matters.

Totally fed up and had enough

Sorry things have come to a head. If anything relevant is on emails, make sure you print them out and keep a physical copy safe somewhere.

Prepare what you want to say in the meeting with your boss, almost a script. Remain factual, and objective. Do not speculate on her motivations. Focus on what she has said and done (have a list ready of incidents with dates and times).
Do not be tempted to tell your boss what they need to do, but you can describe how it has made you feel and make it clear that it is interfering with your work and you need it to stop.

What has happened this week? (Be vague if you want)

Basically I checked with the finance person in our department that we could order something for a customer. Finance person is more senior than both me and colleague. He said "yes we have an account to do that, send the details to bossycolleague and she will do it". It is her job to do this. I emailed her.

She replies pushing back, she doesn't think it should be done this way and 'we can discuss when I am back from annual leave"

I sent a polite reply and say I have already ok'd this with finance and told the customer it will be happening (because our senior finance person has approved it!!)

She replies and cc's in finance person, with a blunt and passive aggressive email with lots of 'as I have said", 'as i have only just been made aware of this' 'i would have appreciated advance notice' (why?) and again 'we will discuss when i am back'

I can't express to you how much of a non issue this should be: she has been asked to order something that I have approved with our senior colleague - it is her job to do this - and this is the push back that I get.

She stomps around our department like she owns the place. Nobody ever says anything, they just let her get on with it but because I get the brunt of it I cannot take it anymore. She is actively stopping me from doing my job.

I have been thinking from a different perspective and I think because our HOD is not in the office much, is so laid back and in all honestly quite meek she has fed off of that and thinks that she rules the roost.

@massiveclamps @Whataretheodds thank you both, I'm going to make lots of notes. I just need to make sure that I stay calm, I am a crier unfortunately. I'm really nervous though I must say.

I was in a very similar situation a year ago. She seemed to actively dislike me, critical of all I did etc..

Now we're good friends, she off on mat leave soon and I'm gutted!

OP I have worked in similar places and with similar colleagues. If your HOD is as nice as you say he won't actually do anything and will probably be pretty ineffectual. I had a lovely man as my HOD and a nightmare colleague and I confided in him and he sympathized. He did try but she tried to accuse him of bullying and then she virtually accused me of bullying the one time I almost lost it with her and snapped before I reigned myself in. I'm so so glad I don't work there any more. If I were you I'd be looking for move jobs. Sadly I don't think it will get better. Some of my strategies were to say "pardon" a lot. It made her repeat her silly question and gave me an extra 10'seconds to think of a response. I often used to pretend I hadn't heard and wait for her to repeat herself . Best things were to be light and breezy. I observed one colleague absolutely killing her with kindness, she didn't know how to react!!!! And would run out of steam very quick. If I was a better actor If i were you id use killing her with kindness. Over the top stuff.like
With the events id say "oh my goodness you're so good to bring things in from home. How kind you are now where shall we put them. At the same time id brush her off laiughing about the where are you going and what are you doing. Pretend you didn't hear. Say pardon. Repeat the question. Then make a joke "I'm just going to the toilet" repeat ad nauseam. Good luck but honestly get outta there start looking round

Sorry just read your update. I'd probably not respond to her emails about this, she is making herself look stupid. I dont think you can win this one. See if the HOD can reassign done of her duties to you. He can frame it in such a way that she is sooooooooo busy she is needed for more important things, honestly op I have worked with people exactly like this woman . They seem to be everywhere in educational settings. I think try and ignore her as much as possible. Don't engage: be a grey rock. She will hopefully back off and get tired of annoying you. You have my sympathies . DM me if you want

Ok so in the meeting, boss will probably switch off if he thinks it’s just about 2 people not getting on, so you need to put across 2 clear points:
1 her obstructing the normal course of your work, the example you’ve just given

2 her picking on you, perhaps even bullying, by constantly micromanaging you (and not even your manager)

so one is about the effect on the work/business, holding things up and delaying things for customers (presumably that’s not good), and the other is about impact of her behaviour on you. Tell him it’s making you think of leaving if that’s true.

You can ask your union for advice too x

The very very best of luck to you on this one. I agree she's a really tricky customer and believe me, she knows exactly what she's doing. She's one step ahead of you the entire time because her drive for control is so strong. She may not even be consciously aware that operating this way is so awful...it's just innate. She feels entitled to run the show.

I would remain absolutely polite as you must know that any chink of annoyance from your camp will be pounced upon and she will become the victim who has been wronged. These people may be as abrasive and critical as they wish but the rule is that they must never be slighted themselves. Even mildly.

Keep a diary of incidents if you can...examples of her overbearing, controlling and combative behaviour. Do not rise to her needling. Ignoring her or responding with monotone dull answers will ultimately annoy her so much more. She wants a reaction. Don't give her one. She's no one.

OP would love to know how it's going

OP I wonder if there's a crossed wire when it comes to management lines. Her saying she would appreciate advance notice, and similar things, makes me think she thinks she should be involved in the decision making about what you do. Is her direct line manager the HoD? Is yours? As if so that's the tack to take. Be really clear on your responsibilities (are they written down somewhere) and as pp have said, keep it factual and to the things that you think you are responsible to do and she is stopping getting done.

But if you have access to her job description or there has ever been a discussion of what each person does, refer to notes on that. She might genuinely have been given the impression that she has a duty of care over the world of the whole team and that might be what caused the problem.