Dreading family holiday - reassurance needed

[thevegetablesoup]

I have nc and left out some potentially outing details for this and I know this is going to sound very “diamond shoes are too tight” but I really am feeling worked up about it and could do with some reassurance, although I am fully aware I’m being ridiculous.

We have booked a very expensive BIG holiday this year, which is very unusual for us, we are more usually eurocamp or uk self catering type holiday people.

We are going to two countries long haul. It is very important to my husband to visit here are he has family connections in these places and happy memories from childhood holidays there.

However, I am nervous for a number of reasons. First I hate flying. Don’t do it very often as I said but had an adverse experience about 20 years ago and have hated it ever since. I have however booked into a fear of flying course before we go so I feel that at least I am taking action about that.

The second reason is that one of the cities we are going (Just for two days) has been in the news quite a lot recently for having real problems with drugs, crime and homelessness. I keep reading awful things about it and wondering why we are taking our children to such a dangerous place. My dh says I’m being silly and all big cities have these problems, but im worried he will be so shocked when he gets there as he is remembering how it was from his childhood and I think it has changed a lot.

The third reason is the most ridiculous of all, but it is in a zone prone to earthquakes and I am terrified there will be one while we are there. Even my youngest child was reading a book about tectonic played for homework and pointed out where we are going was featured in the book, and again, I thought, why I am putting my children in danger.

Can anyone offer me any reassurance or advice about what I think are really quite irrational fears??

Whether irrational fears or not, if this holiday is going to wear you out, then not much of a holiday.

San Francisco sounds absolutely nightmarish, so yeah if you are going there you have my sympathies. Your DH might get a shock at how different it is from his memory.

Stay away from the tenderloin and you'll be fine.

Is it California? I used to live in San Francisco and everything you say has ticked all the boxes. I think you can make any holiday magical and as long as you are sensible, it can be safe. Purely using San Francisco as an example, I took my then 4 year old back on a family holiday years ago to see where I used to live. There was a lot of crime, homelessness and poverty, even back then (there always has been really), but if you are sensible about where you stay and go, it is as safe as London. Staying in more residential rather than tourist areas can help you to avoid some of those problems, and knowing what neighbours are safe. And just not being an idiot.

In San Francisco (again, just as an example), the areas where all the tourists seem to stay are right next to some of the most problematic neighbourhoods. I avoided them when I lived there. But just not being too foolish. Take ubers if coming home after dark, etc.

As for earthquakes, the chances of an earthquake are, as you know, quite slim in the short bit of time you'll be there. I've experienced 3 earthquakes and obviously they weren't big ones, but generally they're no big deal. Easy to say though, I know.

As for flying, you may want to consider a hypnotherapy course. I did hypnotherapy (for something unrelated to flying actually) and I found it made a massive difference to my fear of flying. Also, if you can, consider getting a one time prescription for a sedative. I did that for awhile too and it also helped a lot.

If it is SF you can look up their emergency preparedness stuff online, might give you a bit more confidence about what to do if something did happen? Although obviously not if you think it'll worry you more!

https://www.sf72.org/home

They do sound like irrational fears that you are channeling your general anxiety and stress about the upheaval of the holiday into. Probably not much rationality can ease that, you might be better trying to do what you can to feel less nervous about the holiday as a whole. I try to focus my energy on planning, packing etc.

That being said I would have a serious conversation now with your husband about managing his expectations in advance. For example, if he is disappointed what will he do, is there a plan B etc.

A few years ago a friend had to fly to Australia for a family event and I believe managed to get something from the doctor as she was terrified of flying. I would investigate all options.

Read up on the earthquake statistics. Think generally uncommon and not massive losses of life.

DH visited SF recently and really enjoyed it. I asked if he had seen any of the horror stories and he said he hadn't.
I'm sure that they are there but the standard tourist places were apparently absolutely fine.
DH was there for work and that went smoothly as well.

If it is California, modern buildings are built with earthquakes in mind.

You know deep down that these fears are irrational, but it’s very hard to make yourself not feel them.

The best cure for anxiety like this is to go (feel the fear and do it anyway) and reflect on it when you get back.

It will be fine, and you will probably be wondering on day 3 what on earth you were worried about.

I’m with your husband. All big cities have dodgy parts and I’ve been to some of the most dangerous and never felt unsafe.

If it’s SF it’ll be fine. There’s loads of tourists and 99% never have any problems

I watched San Andreas just before visiting California. Shit myself.

You seem, like me, to have a tendency to overthink things. Overthink how AWESOME it is to get out and see the world instead. I say that with absolute understanding and kindness.

I haven’t long got back from SF with my ds (he’s 11). Genuinely we loved it. There was a lot of homelessness and clearly people with mental health/drug issues which was heartbreaking but we spent a lot of time in Fisherman’s Wharf (which I didn’t really see anything like that), did an Alcatraz tour, got the boat to Sausilito, bus tour, went to golden gate park etc. I never felt threatened (but then again I live in quite a rough city so although not on that scale at all, I’m not immune to it) and we just made sure we stuck together/stayed away from Tenderloin. I loved it and would go back in a heartbeat.

DS was quite shocked but it does him good to have life lessons that not everyone is as lucky as him and that there are people truly suffering in this world.

SF is pretty grim these days. But I think you’ll just have to suck it up and stick to the obvious tourist spots. Last time I went I felt very unsafe in all but the most touristy places like fisherman’s wharf.