My eldest DS is 17, 18 in 6 weeks. He is generally a really lovely lad. My friend describes him as a giant puppy which is an accurate description - he struggles to be still and is still quite childlike in many ways. He also has a total victim mentality. He absolutely believes that he is our least favourite child (there a 4 of them), which is obviously not true, but he has no ability to reflect on his own behaviour.
He believes that he gets in trouble more than the others and that we expect more from him. Both things are probably true - he's nearly 18, he didn't do many of the things we ask of him now at the age of 10. We also ask very little of him and yet he generally fails to deliver on it. His bedroom is a pigsty, he rarely even puts his washing in the basket and yet he fails to understand why this is so frustrating. I make lunches for everyone and he forgets to bring his containers downstairs and leaves it festering somewhere so it then has to be thrown out and makes his room stink. I have had many a phone call from school to say that he's missed deadlines etc which he has assured us that he's met. He does have a part-time job and he's a real grafter at work but this does not extend to his home life or school work (just finishing A Levels). He is also conflict avoidant so he will hide things to avoid trouble which ultimately just leads to things being worse in the end. For instance, I organised driving lessons for his birthday. There is a real shortage here so it was something I'd planned well in advance so he could start straight away with a lesson on his birthday. We insured him on the car at a huge cost etc. After sorting out the first few lessons I gave the instructor DS' number and said to organise them directly with him - except that DS did not respond to his texts so lost the place with the instructor and then couldn't find another one for 5 months. He then lied to us about all of this and pretended that instructor wasn't practicing anymore which is why he'd not had any lessons.
All of this is compounded by the fact that his nearest sibling in age is generally very agreeable - her room is tidy, she puts her washing away when asked and she achieves really well at school because she works hard. I try to explain to DS that our behaviour towards them all is a direct reflection of their behaviour but he just sees that we don't like him.
I find him utterly frustrating and it does impact on how I interact with him. How do I get him to stop feeling like a victim and actually reflect on his own behaviours?
Thanks for reading all of this!