Overbearing Mother

[Astronaut1298]

Just wanted to get this off my mind really

I am pregnant and due in December. Everytime my mum rings me she talks about how I should go over to hers and stay there for the whole of the Christmas holidays - 2 weeks after the baby is born, she's already made plans for me to go there and stay for Easter Holidays too and mentioned the 6 weeks Summer Holidays

While I really do appreciate the support, I don't want to be anywhere other than my own home with a newborn. That's the time I will be recovering/bonding/helping my dc adjust to the new baby. My husband will be home for 2 weeks, he's self employed so we are saving for him to be off and he is so excited. He works long hours so any time off together we really value.

In all honesty I feel everytime I go there, it's triple the work as my son is special needs so I am constantly running after him to stop him from touching things/running up the stairs/going into cupboards/climbing on the windows - the last thing I want is to go there and worry about all this with a newborn.

When I tried to explain all this, she said "it's only your own mum's house but fine, do as you please" and got upset and is making me feel guilty as she's alone

My mental health wasn't great after my first child was born, I got PND and my husband was a huge suppport and still is. I want to spend time with him and our baby/dc.. and even when he's back at work, I want to be in my own house instead of my mum's so I can get into my own routine and be comfortable

I feel she is forcing me to go and stay there for weeks at a time with the kids when I don't want to. I love spending time with DH we barely get that due to working opposite days/long hours, so when I am on maternity I am looking forward to spending time as a family together while we can

I didn't get to say all this to her today because as I started to say it, she got upset and made the comment

I don't mind visiting etc, but staying there for 2 or 3 weeks is disruptive to our routine and not enjoyable at all

Op, I say this gently... It's time to grow a backbone and firmly realign your mother's expectations. You are not responsible for how she feels about it, either.

"No mum, I won't be staying at yours for two weeks over Christmas. I need to be in my own home with my children and husband. You are welcome to visit on x day or x day."

"No mum, I won't be there all Summer or on Easter. Let's make a plan that works for both of us."

You have to nip all of this in the bud, right now. Don't allow her to emotionally manipulate you.

I didn't get to say all this to her today because as I started to say it, she got upset and made the comment

She is going to get upset, op. That's how she controls you. Oh well, let her be upset. She'll survive.

Thank you AquaMarine - you are absolutely right. I do need to grow a backbone and be firm. I need to learn to say no

I agree with you, she controls me by acting this way and it hurts me to see her hurt so I do things her way, I need to stop especially now that I have my own family

What @Aquamarine1029 said.
She isn't upset, she's angry that she isn't getting what she wants. Ignore.

"No mum sorry but I'm busy," my mum is similar, expects me to go for the summer holidays even though I've explained multiple times I can't this year as it'll be to stressful (ds been diagnosed with a life long medical condition that I'm still learning about.) and keeps trying to get me to agree even though I've said no a dozen or so times!

@FictionalCharacter yes it definitely shows when she doesn't get her own way

@ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff wow, it's really a pain when the boundary is not respected even after you explained the reason why you can't. I'm sorry 💐

Even when my sister moved out she would expect her to stay over for 3 days of the week just because my sister works near my mums house. I get she's lonely but this is coming across selfish. We have our own lives and families

We have our own lives and families

Exactly, and she's choosing to ignore that. When our children become adults, we are meant to set them free to have their own lives and families. Not make them bend to our will and use them as entertainment and emotional props.

As soon as the guilt trip starts, note it.
if she was putting you and your needs first would she be trying to make you feel bad? Or make you do something that will make things harder for you? Or ignoring your boundaries repeatedly? No. So it’s not about you, it’s not about helping you, it’s not about loving you or her GC. It’s about getting what she wants. As soon as you recognise that, a lot of the guilt subsides and you can do what you want, rather than what you e been coerced into.