I desperately need to fix my life and don’t know where to start… *Pic of me included*

[Itssodamnhard]

This is me. Almost 36 years old, 5’9 and 16 stone.
I will try and keep the backstory short.

All my life I’ve been struggling with weight, never been a skinny or slim one. I always struggled with emotional eating. Around 10 years ago I finally decided that enough is enough and totally overhauled my diet, lifestyle. I was working full time and was on my legs for 8h a day. It worked and my body slowly changed and became slimmer although not quite slim I would say I was more curvy.

Fast forward 7 years ago I met my now XP and my sons dad. I continued with my routine and was actually happy for once how my body looked.

Then 2020 happened when it all started. Not Covid or lockdowns. I got pregnant. It was very much planned and loved baby from the beginning. Everything was fine in our relationship during pregnancy. It was after I have birth everything changed. Obviously it was a big change for us and I was struggling quite a bit to accept my new life. And he started to show his true colours. He was impatient, sometimes rude, he became verbally abusive ( not physically), we were arguing a lot, A LOT. I always put it down as to new parents, lack of sleep etc.

Months went on… The arguments still continued . When finally in autumn of 2021 Early Help centre got involved because he continued to be verbally and emotionally abuse to both me and our son. So with the advice from them I contacted council because we were made homeless by him. We were placed into homeless hotel for a couple of months and then given temporary house from council for year were we are still now until February.

Also… The same time I was going through my relationship breaking down, struggling with a new life with a child, I lost 2 my closest family members in 2 months. It fucking broke me…

And once again I started to turn to food to comfort me. I started to eat when I was happy, or sad, or angry or thought that I deserved it. And my weight just kept piling up without me really noticing. My mental health was bad so I took it out on my body…

And now… Now I want to change something. I hate to see myself in the mirror or any reflection. I feel fat. I am fat. I hate the way I look and I want to go back to “me” again but I don’t know where to start.

Can I do this on my own? Do I need a therapist? Psychologist? I need to change my life.

Thank you if you got this far and took time to read it…

Checking in to say good for you.

I have a similar story and a similar shape and while
ive currently got too much going on to totally overhaul anything else, I’m trying to make more mindful choices and cut down on UPFs.

I do think you’d benefit from counselling. Keep talking and let’s be our best selves.

Self love is sometimes letting yourself make healthier choices.

OP you're not massive. I've lost 1st 11.5 this year through slimming world and walking.

I think you have a perfectly nice body shape ! Plus you are a super strong, resilient person to boot. Do t drag yourself down, if you can, try to compliment yourself, have you got a nice outfit you can wear around the house?

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot and there is nothing wrong with you ! You have just been through the mill a bit and need to recover.

I have had a torrid time before and had a similar experience with an ex, it can batter your confidence. It can come back if you give yourself grace and you are nice to yourself.

That could literally be a picture of me and also out sizing is similar. About 1/2 a stone less but also about an inch shorter.
I completely understand how you feel. I also don’t know where to even start with feeling better about myself.
Funnily enough I think you look great! But I also know how it just feels to be ‘big’ as a person and always feeling the bigger one in a group.

I would love to see any advice you get so following along

our

I am a similar weight, my plan is to do the 16:8 fast. I'm too busy and tired to be careful about what I'm eating but fasting focuses me as it's very binary.

I think you've got a nice figure, you look shapely and strong

You have a lovely body shape. I get it though- when you aren’t your usual weight, it can make you feel really down on yourself.

first of all, give yourself a break. By all means, start a diet and fitness plan, but spend some money on new clothes and make up right now. It will make you feel so much better.

Then add in some good habits- regular exercise/walks built into your day.

I recommend HIIT- doesn’t take up much time but has a big effect on fitness and weight loss

You've been through a lot. It sounds a cliche but you need to allow yourself some kindness, be gentle with yourself. 💐Try to create small changes that will stick, that will build your energy, that you could build on.

Can you carve out ten minutes for yourself at the same time each day if you can? Buy a notebook and take that time to write something that you notice and something that you’re grateful for.

If that doesn’t float your boat, could you take the time to do a small creative thing. Colour something, sew something. Get a poetry anthology and read a poem each day. Just for ten min a day.

Or use the time for something more physical. Five yoga poses? Tai chi?

The main aim is to create a little routine that helps you and is easy to keep going.

Then pick something to eat each day that you enjoy to eat, that feels like a treat. Strawberries, brazil nuts, a square of extra dark chocolate - anything as long as it is relatively healthy to eat. Something that will feel as though it is nurturing your body.

I agree with pp you have a nice body shape. You don’t look the image I’d have of 16 stone. I have a friend who is that weight at close to your height and she was appeared bigger than you.

I developed a poor relationship with overeating mainly sugary and processed food over the past few years which I’m slowly but surely breaking free from. Some of it was due to my sleeping issues.

If you are able to get counselling or therapy to help tackle the underlying issues around comfort eating , or an online nutrition and fitness coach it may be worthwhile to give you a boost. Not everyone needs/wants that kind of support but many do benefit from it and are more likely to stick to healthy practices once they enlist the help of others.

Or you may want to start with devising your own well-being programme - there is so much out there on platforms like YouTube about healthy eating, fitness programmes and stress busting practices.

I definitely think counselling will be beneficial, and perhaps the freedom course (see it recommended never been on it). I lost 2st through slimming world post lockdown when I decided enough was enough.

I think you need to go easy on yourself . I'm the same size and height as you. I binge eat but it definitely emotional trauma based. I'm trying my hardest not too . I was doing keto until I found out I was pregnant. But have since stopped as it's not recommended in pregnancy. It definitely worked for me. I lost a stone in two months. I'm not sure what to do now. You have gone through an awful lot. I think you have a lovely figure. You are tall and can carry extra weight easier than someone smaller. I would try keto and therapy if I was you .

Well I was expecting someone that looks really fat after all that but you don't. You need some counselling and you've done amazing to get away from that prick.

Nice socks, I've got them but they cut off my circulation 🤣

Firstly OP, you are doing amazingly

Could you try your GP first for any help available? Mine have been really helpful with mental health help, referred me for CBT very quickly - it's online as well which presumably would be easier for you. Depending on your income, they may also be able to help you with the costs of a gym/ weight loss group, if you'd find that useful.

I take it you have a toddler now... running round after them at the park is good exercise!! I used to take my DC to lots of cheap/ free groups through our local children's centre, got us out of the house and I met some fab people.

You're looking great and honestly we're full of admiration for you coming out of the other side of a bad relationship - the world is your oyster now!

Also trying to find a way to lose weight but I came on to say that I don't think your photo is bad! We all want to lose the extra pounds but you have a great natural shape

I think it's fair to let something slide when you're going through all that! Sounds like you've decided weight is next on your list though so maybe start with eating a bit less and walking a bit more then see how it goes? Therapy would probably help reset your relationship with food as a comfort thing rather than food but you might not actually need that now you're in a better headspace anyway.

Start today, from this second on.

Drink lots of water.
Don't buy crisps, biscuits, cake, sweets.
Cut right down on carbs, increase lean protein.
Eat more veg of many colours.
No ready meals, no takeaways.

When you do housework put on your favourite dance music and dance away.

Take your kids to the park when you feel stressed or an urge to comfort eat.

If you succumbed to cake or something don't despair - just start again.

Try to recognise real hunger as opposed to emotional void.

You've done very well to get through a traumatic experience OP. What's your situation now? It's not clear from your post - are you settled now and well clear of the abuse, or is the situation ongoing?

Counselling would be a very good thing to do regardless, but for the weight loss you might want to try a different approach.

I listened to a podcast recently that had an interesting idea about emotional eating: that even if you are an emotional eater, working from the principle that you need to "fix" your trauma before you can possibly lose weight is setting the bar way too high. You can mentally separate the two things and lose weight as a completely isolated project.

I'm not explaining it very well!

It's very American and cheesy, but you might find it useful:

https://podcasts.apple.com/pt/podcast/weight-loss-made-real-how-real-women-lose-weight-stop/id1070598794?i=1000389833430

You need to change your mindset OP. Your life does not need fixing. You have had a lot of bad stuff happen to you which changes you as an individual and ultimately makes you stronger. It is such a shame that we have to experience the bad things for them to make us into the person we now are.. I am talking about breakups and bereavement as prime examples.
I do not think you look too bad tbh. I would not have thought you were 16st looking at that pic so you are in proportion.
Exercise ! It's the answer to everything IMHO. I am not talking about massive changes here but daily exercise is good for the mind and the soul

You are clearly mentally a very strong person so I think you have a very good chance at succeeding at anything you want to do. You could join us in the 16:8 thread if you like. Some people on there need to lose a few stone others just a few lbs but we seem to all be losing it quite easily. I only needed to lose 3 very stubborn kgs and it went in two months. Others have lost that much in a couple of weeks.

You need support and encouragement. Counseling may help you but more for your self esteem and the trauma you have suffered rather than your weight.
As for your weight loss, get a friend on board and encourage each other. Chuck out all the rubbish in your house, research new recipes, do some fun exercise (doesn’t have to be a gym). It will fall off.

I think you look lovely, but it is what you think that matters. Can I suggest you contact Women's Aid to see if they have any support for you to help you process what happened. I found it really helpful.

On the food / emotion side, have a look at Slimpod. There's a ten day free trial. It's not a quick fix like SW or WW etc, but it's not a diet. It is a way of resetting your relationship with food so that you eat like a 'normal' person, free from guilt or hangups. And there's a lovely, supportive fb group too, as well as coaching videos and much more.