Where are all the MNers with older kids? What do you want us to know??

[samseaborn4ever]

So when they are babies everyone tells you "it goes so fast"!
And you blink at them incredulously because it feels like you did 17 years between feeding the baby on waking and actually getting the older one into their shoes and out of the door to school
Then just as you get the hang of that you have to start looking round secondary schools and then they ask you about gcse options and sorry wtf how did that happen?!

I saw this video on Instagram that explained how you don't have just 18 summers with them:.:

www.instagram.com/reel/CtckLuwR-6A/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

Anyway that and seeing another thread from MN2000 make me wonder what those with older kids wish they could have told them selves when they are right in the thick of it all

(I have 4 dc btw between 9-15 so very much in the thick of it)

Their childhood can’t be changed retrospectively.

That babyhood isn't primarily a passage to toddlerhood; toddlerhood isn't primarily a passage to school-age; adolescence isn't primarily a passage to adulthood.

In terms of the subjective passage of time we spend most of our lives as young childen. Creating joy, self-assurance and contentment in those moments is at least as important as paving the way for them in later life

I wish I’d known to not get mad and frustrated, to enjoy the time that you are their world, because pretty soon you won’t figure in it.

Mine are 25, 23 and 16 and I’ve been on here forever it feels like.

I would tell my younger self that it gets easier in that they become more independent, but harder in that the independence they gain brings a different set of worries - so try not to worry, slow down and enjoy the ride, because by some miracle they turn out ok (even though we’ve probably fucked them up as per Mr Larkin’s warning). I would also tell myself to have the courage of my convictions - many of the people I listened to when the DC were little are completely irrelevant to my life now.

That said, I wouldn’t go back to the early days - that was tough.

That babies and toddlers are a piece of piss compared to teens and young adults

That they will fuck up but if they talk to you about it you are definitely winning at being a parent and the best thing to do is not freak out but tell them it's ok and that you will work out a way to sort it out and you will

That doing everything for them doesn't do them any favours at all

That half the arguments you have with them are ones they need to have with you because they're working things out. And when you hear them 2 years later espousing your views you realise they were listening after all...but sometimes they have to find it out for themselves, hence the arguing

that second and subsequent children are so much easier because you've done it before but also they do get an easier time of it because you're not as worried. the first child will always resent this

That when people say oh it goes so fast you think nah, but it really does

That you will not believe the pride you will feel when you see your adult children having good conversations, making people laugh, working hard and enjoying their lives

You will never ever stop loving them or worrying about them. I sleep best of all when all my adult children are at home and asleep! ridiculous!

That it doesn’t matter if you bottle or breast feed .

either way you’re kid still tuns into a bloody teenager

Your

Listen to them when they come to you with the small stuff....playground spats, annoying you tube videos, random jokes, what's happened at school. If you listen then, they are more likely to come to you with the big stuff. And when they do, listen without judgement and help them find a way through.

That this book is a game changer, and should be given to every parent.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-ebook/dp/B00APJOY3A

the key bit here is 'listen without judgement'! I did all the listening of all the inane stuff but I was very judgey (habit from my parents) so now they don't tell me anything. It's getting a bit better now but I messed it up.

DON'T BE JUDGEY!!!! If you are, then might as well ignore all the small stuff.

My oldest is 23, my youngest 16. How the hell did that happen? I miss the days of adventures, hikes, ice creams, questions, cute smiling faces. Now they never want to come out with me, and, despite me telling them not to, have all grown up.

I'm grateful they weren't horrendous teens (you best can be a bit grumpy, but that's just his personality) so I've had quite a relaxed time as they've matured. And they are all wonderful young men.

But. They'll always be my babies.

I still feel 25 though. Sometimes they are more mature than me!

That sometimes times your adult offspring will do things that horrify, disgust and shock you, and the hardest part of it is you still love them and there is nothing you can do about it.

That Grandchildren are the gift for all the grey hair your children gave you.

I am a single parent to an 18 and 21_yr old , it's still a busy time and a lot of changes along the way as in exams, further education, interviews, staying out late, travelling, learning to drive, relationships, full time job etc, it is relentless, esp if your parenting alone like me.
My two are well behaved thankfully but very assertive, and an adventurous spirit so l need nerves of steel.
I was a proper people pleaser when l was their age, but this characteristic seems to have entirely bypassed my two, maybe because their both male they are not afflicted with it !!
I have to remind myself and them at times to enjoy these years, hopefully we will look back fondly, laugh at the best and forget the bad, everything comes and everything goes.
I am learning to step back, l got them this far, it's up to them now, and l have faith it will all work out.

This, for sure

Don't wish their younger years away, from 6 months to 16 years goes so bloody fast!
They are so much harder as teenagers that they were as toddlers but for different reasons. Hormones are fuckers!

Echoing a pp who recommends the book How to talk so kids will listen

Thinking back to the times when they would creep in y bed when there was a storm, or not go upstairs without me because there might be sharks.. at the time it drove me scatty but now they are so independent I really miss it.

Secondary school goes by in 5 minutes.

Have grown and much younger children which thinks helps me to reflect without being too rose tinted about the past. I wish I’d appreciated how much of an individual each child comes into the world, they’ve each got their talents, challenges etc (plus influenced by things you have little control over) so you just have to do your best for them at the time. Be realistic about the different stages, e.g caricatures it toddlers screaming in supermarket isles and the Kevin the teenager exist because that’s what it’s really like sometimes. In the midst of coping with all this just give yourself what you need. Whether that be extra childcare to get a break, counselling, a good run, odd small glass of wine etc. No point working 5 days a week so can afford amazing holidays/school trips, horse riding lessons etc for the kids but you’re constantly exhausted, snappy at the kids and your marriage falls apart. Much better off for everyone looking after yourself a bit. Same if you’re home full time with the toddler and going stir crazy, much better to find a good nursery and go back to work even if all your salary does go on childcare. Also don’t underestimate the effect of hunger, tiredness and boredom on kids, the importance or leading by example and being consistent. Good nutritious food at regular mealtimes, regular snacks and bedtimes, at least one period of time to run around outdoors each day and things to keep them busy work wonders

I love this ❤️

These are all brilliant

"When you're in the thick of it", the MN mantra was brilliant for me this, too, shall pass

OTOH, the one about joy, seizing the joy. Yes, that is the thing.

That one day you will look back fondly and laugh at many moments that drove you entirely insane at the time. And that the love and pride you have in their individual achievements is immense. And don't sweat the small stuff.

I think my best advice would be:

• pick your battles and always try to stay calm, even if only outwardly
• don't worry about tidiness, play with them in any way you can, pick games you enjoy as much as possible and help them enjoy them, the time passes so quickly and I regret not doing more with them
• when they're little grab a nap when you can, ie when they're having a nap
• don't stress about doing it "correctly"; so what works for you and your family.

That I did alright. That all the other parents that seemed to be more together than me- their children have turned out well, but so have mine.

That you can catch them up if they fall behind in something; my son was a slow reader at 7 and I worried so much but it was insignificant and now he's 21 and doing really well so don't worry.

I see toddlers in pushchairs sometimes think they look just like my son... they seem like they are somewhere just out of reach.

My 'boys' are now 35 and 25 (omg!)

Each growing up stage has pros and cons, none are easier or harder then the last.. just different and takes a bit of adjustment.

I really made an effort to communicate, no subjects were off limits however awkward, and if i was too knackered at the time i'd go back to the subject the following day.
I really tried to explain decisions, so a no had an explanation as to why, and if i lost my rag i'd apologise and explain why later.
All carried out because my mum never really talked to me, we still dont, and its a huge barrier..
My boys will talk to me about anything, and also do the same with their long term girlfriends. I think they also make good thought out decisions about things.

.. and as a lone parent from the beginning, i'm so so proud that i 'pulled it off'