A good response to ‘if you want to’

[TheCheeseTray]

For context this is my ex (not amicable break up!)
when married I used to ask him ‘would you like to go to x restaurant on your birthday?’ If you want was the response -
and it was constant.

We are now very very very low contact. But every now I might offer him an extra day and he will say ‘if you want’ and I will reply ‘do you want an extra day in the holidays’ (he’s always complaining he doesn’t get enough holidays) and he will say ‘if you want me to!’ Eventually I’ll get fed up of the yo yo and say ‘I’m offering. What do you WANT?’ But it feels like it constant circles.

But I’ve caught him doing it to DC
‘DC said to him would you like me to phone you on Father’s Day?’ (Not a phone call day)
he says ‘If you want to’ etc

DC is only 10. It just one of those phrases that annoys me. It’s not a friend replying - I don’t mind is similar.

These are gifts or things I know he wants but he is gifted at turning it around until you are almost begging him to do him a favour.

Has anyone got a firm polite response to this or is my way of

Can you just take it literally? If he says it just respond as if he's agreed with what you want?

"Is Saturday ok?"

"If you want."

"Great, I'll see you at 3" / "Ok, never mind see you on Sunday"

I wouldn't offer him anything tbh.

So, if I wanted him to do an extra day in the holidays, I'd say "Itd be great if you could have DD on 21st July please? Let me know if that's doable for you cos I'm running a marathon/going to a wedding/climbing Snowdon etc"

With DD, if she wants to call him on Father's Day, just say "DD will call you at 6pm sharp on FD. Does that work for you? If not please let me know an alternative time"

Treat him like a toddler, don't ask open ended questions of him where he has a chance to say it.

Would you like an extra day with the kids during the holidays?
If you want.
No, don't worry about it. I love having them.

And keep taking him at his word that the nice thing you are offering him is actually a favour he would be doing you until he learns to say 'yes please'.

It's as annoying as "I don't know". My reply to "if you want" has always been, I'm not asking me, I'm asking you and if they continue to give the same answer in subsequent conversations, I don't bother asking.

To be honest - I’d given up but useful for DC responses.

He treats it as a weakness to say ‘yes please thank you’

sone good answers on here thank you.

I just hear the DC questioning it as in they put the phone down unsure of if he wants them to ring etc or not

do you want me to ring at 6 pm on Saturday - if you want

I don’t ever need him to look after Dc ever he lives a long way from us and sees them only a few times a year. So it’s not for my benefit but his eg school finishes on 24 th July and it’s his birthday on 26 th July and he is due to have them on the 27 July by court order - he’s on holiday from 23 rd July so no skin off my nose to offer him the 25 th so he can have them on his birthday - he doesn’t have any friends etc and enjoys them and is always moaning how the court order means he doesn’t see them as much as he wants etc (even though the court had good reasons 10 years of history there) - but he can’t just say yes please. He says ‘if you want to?’ DC1 says ‘do you want us to come’ he says ‘if you want to’ and I just have to not get involved as it pushes my buttons (I tend not to offer or end up saying ‘yes or no. I like them here, you were asked what you wanted ‘ and then he answers ‘of course I want them ‘ and …..

Then just say "DC are available and able to come to you from xxx date to xxx date. Does this work for you or does it need to be an alternative time? Let me know one way or the other so that we can work out a plan"

Then the onus is on him to get back to you.

So its almost like you're telling him what's happening. Don't give him a choice, other than to suggest an alternative time. Assume he wants to see and hear from them until his actions say otherwise eg he doesn't respond, or doesn't turn up, answer the phone etc.