AIBU to be upset with DH?

[copenhagen84]

Short version - AIBU to be annoyed my DH has not come home when he said he would?

Longer version - we have been having marital issues and marriage counselling mainly fuelled by resentment and lack of sex life since having DC. Our son is nearly 3 and is a particular handful to look after, as he is a complete energy whirlwind type of child, a bolter and very very active. Adorable obviously but also bloody exhausting to look after.

DH works very long hours so the bulk of childcare and related housework / chores around nursery hours falls to me. I work but as I run my own company I can be more flexible. I also earn less - though that's just because of the sector I'm in. DH often flies away for work for 2-3 days midweek so it's often just me and DS and I do nearly all bedtimes.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm full to capacity with life, including work, parenting (I know I only have one), and elderly parents plus some financial issues. I'm early 40's and feeling it in a way I wasn't before.

DH knows I've been feeling this way and in discussions he's said he's going to do more to give me a break such as taking DS to the park at weekends so I can have a long shower and that kind of thing.

Anyway he had this lads weekend booked for ages, a long-standing arrangement with his uni friends which I agreed to. It's come at a bad time with our marital issues plus DH will be away first half of the week, but we both agreed he'd go. He left on Friday morning, and he said he would leave the hotel this morning at checkout - likely 10am - and get the train back home. The place is a couple of hours away from our home so I anticipated him back round lunchtime and then expected he could take DS for the afternoon.

Instead DH never texted me and when I finally texted him to ask his arrival time he said they had gone to the pub for lunch and were car sharing now, so he'll let me know when he's getting home.

I have said via text that this is not what agreed and it wasn't fair of him not to stick to what I was expecting. Other than today I've not texted him and have just left him to enjoy his break. He agreed and apologised and said he "didn't think" and "got carried away". But now he's at the pub reliant on a friend for a car share so he's still not coming home till they are all ready - probably won't get home till 4.30/5ish earliest.

I know to mums reading this with more than one child I probably sound pathetic but I feel I am not cut out for toddlers and don't enjoy my days looking after him (part/time SAHP) even though I adore him and feel terrible saying it. But I have found myself welling up this weekend feeling so lonely and exhausted by it all. DS has been having some awful tantrums - all par for the course and I'm fine at handling them, but it is so draining when you have day after day of making sure that you are steering clear of battles, avoiding tantrums etc. eg yesterday a park visit was v stressful as he was constantly wanting to play with other kids toys etc and would scream and meltdown. This morning he was awake at 6am and by 7am he was jumping on my bed and wanting to play high jinx and I felt I couldn't even pop to the shower as he was so wired I thought he might hurt himself, so I've ended up bunging on yesterdays clothes, no makeup and feeling scummy and exhausted.

I have zero time for myself apart from when DS is in bed and I'm too knackered for housework in the evenings, let alone sex - I can just about manage an hour of tv before I'm falling asleep. I don't even know what I want anymore, as in, I can't even answer that question as I'm so used to putting others needs first. I think this is normal / common, but I feel depressed. I have started drinking wine in the evenings which is a terrible idea.

Anyway, in light of the above I feel actually quite hurt and deeply upset my DH didn't come home when he said he would and now I've got the rest of the afternoon looking after DS again, when I expected DH to be home. It sounds trivial but I'm really upset about it. AIBU?

Not sure if I need advice or a talking to or just a shoulder. I don't have a supportive mum or anyone I can lean on to help unfortunately.

[monicagellerbing]

Does your son go to nursery?

[copenhagen84]

He's at nursery part-time the days I work and I'm part-time SAHP.

[cheeseandketchupsandwich]

It sounds like neither of you actually agreed a plan but just assumed the other knew what you were thinking.

Next time clear it up between you both.

[ATeamsvan]

I have two children and I don't think you sound pathetic at all. They are adorable at 2 but god are they hard work!
Your dh will have to find a way to make it up to you (and to offer more support overall). Can he take a day of annual leave and take over what you do? Or, I occasionally checked into a hotel and had a night to myself. You need some time to yourself in order to clear your head and feel more like "you".

[ATeamsvan]

I think today was just the final straw, not the reason for the OP's upset

[Quartz2208]

Yes I think today was the final straw that he agreed to give you a break but the first opportunity to backtrack he did so.

I think the fact that you consider the fact that you work part time and are a part time SAHP is the issue. You are a parent who works Part time. Your DH is a parent who works full time

[Diorinthecountry]

Could you put your son into nursery extra days so you can get time to yourself. Could you get a cleaner to help with the housework?

Op you sound really burnt out. I really hope things get better for you.

[copenhagen84]

@cheeseandketchupsandwich

It sounds like neither of you actually agreed a plan but just assumed the other knew what you were thinking.

Next time clear it up between you both.

Not the case @cheeseandketchupsandwich We agreed he'd leave on checking out this morning- as I said in my OP. He's admitted that and apologised.

[copenhagen84]

@Diorinthecountry

Could you put your son into nursery extra days so you can get time to yourself. Could you get a cleaner to help with the housework?

Op you sound really burnt out. I really hope things get better for you.

We can't afford the extra nursery time as I do not earn enough - it barely covers the fees - so that's not an option. I have used savings pot to get a cleaner occasionally but struggled to find a good one and they are SO expensive (London) on the apps - we are talking £40-50ph which is way more than I earn! Also I have to run around tidying up before a cleaner and it's virtually impossible if DS is with me. Sorry if I sound very negative.

I do hate how untidy my home is - it used to be lovely and I don't think it helps my mental state of mind. DH says I'm too harsh on myself and need to let go. I have let standards slip massively and I know it's never going to be as it was. I just don't feel I have anywhere I can retreat to.

[Rainbows89]

Please tell me you share your finances…

OP YANBU. This all sounds really hard. I am not surprised you feel upset.

[Diorinthecountry]

It's ok I know your not being negative on purpose. Just realistic to your area/circumstances.

Have you had a look at the organised mum method?

Regarding your husband it sounds like he is all words and no actions. It's his help and actions you need. I am surprised that in counseling they haven't set your husband weekly tasks. Maybe they don't do that anymore.

I think you sound really calm. I would be livid.

[StopMindlesslyScrolling]

I'd be fuming if I were you OP.

He knows you've got a really difficult week ahead, whilst he's away and you're parenting alone again but he didn't give a fuck about you or your child (despite knowing he's barely going to see his kid this week) and preferred to stay drinking with his mates instead.

Could look at going back to work full time and he can find a different job/cut down on the work travel and be around more for his child and the housework etc?

His absence from the home and lack of parenting is wrecking your marriage. But he's got so used to it, he's started to take the piss in his "free" time as well, when he should be adulting and doing his fair share of parenting and home life.

[ATeamsvan]

When does some free childcare start?

[copenhagen84]

Thanks for the understanding comments. We do share finances yes. I earn considerably less as I work in a "helping" sector. There's no way he would switch careers as he loves it. I don't begrudge that to be fair to him - it is a big part of his identity. BUT he needs to get used to thinking about me more, and not just making decisions as if he was still a single man without a family.

[copenhagen84]

He is finally home. He clearly thought that I was going to go to the park with him and DS but I've suggested he takes him by himself.

[Piscesmumma1978]

Book yourself a cheap air BnB next weekend and turn your phone off. Let him experience it alone.

He was in the wrong.

[copenhagen84]

I feel so upset now. DH came home and then DS was saying no he didn't want go go outside and wanted to stay at home. DS often does this and has a tantrum but then loves it once he's out. We've been at home all day so I know it's what he needs, to get out and get fresh air / run off steam. DH was saying he wasn't going to bother taking him if he doesn't want to and that I'm only pushing him out the door for my own needs not his. Yes it's true I desperately need some space but I also never ever have DS at home for a full day as I know it will affect his bedtime and he needs to get outside and run about. Plus his Daddy should be wanting to take him out to spend that time with him.

DH not helpful in the face of DS tantrum - where I would validate DS feelings but say we are going out do it quickly to distract, DH took ages disagreeing with me and DS only got more upset.

[StopMindlesslyScrolling]

So what you're saying OP is that your DH is a mostly absent father and a shit father when he's present?

[Cornishclio]

I suggest you go and have a bath or shower and some space then whilst your DH watches your DS. These useless fathers seem a common thread on this forum. He certainly owes you some child free time though whether this weekend or next.

[copenhagen84]

Yep I'm now lying on the bed trying to be ok and listening to a podcast. He's taken DS out and I will suggest he makes his tea too.

[Bytheseainsummer]

It sounds like a really difficult situation. I only have one two year old and mine exhausts me as well so don’t feel bad about that, it’s how they are!

I know my husband can sometimes be a bit thoughtless like that, he doesn’t mean it but I don’t think he realises that meeting the needs of a toddler is intense and can be lonely and exhausting. Maybe just write today off and talk about it with him tomorrow.

[Whataretheodds]

We can't afford the extra nursery time as I do not earn enough - it barely covers the fees

Why is it only about what you earn?

£40-50ph for cleaning is ridiculous. Can you ask around neighbours/local message boards on FB etc.

[Bytheseainsummer]

@Whataretheodds

We can't afford the extra nursery time as I do not earn enough - it barely covers the fees

Why is it only about what you earn?

£40-50ph for cleaning is ridiculous. Can you ask around neighbours/local message boards on FB etc.

i don’t think it is but equally I will admit I’ve never really understood this argument.

Say Parent A takes home £4500 after tax
Parent B takes home £800 after tax
nursery is £700

increasing those hours will mean the family is operating at a loss irrespective of who actually pays for it.

[copenhagen84]

Yes that's exactly it. We share finances so it's about the overall monthly surplus, which would be less non-existent if we had more nursery hours.

[Donotshushme]

He behaves like this much of a shit husband and father yet still expects sex? Don't think so mate!