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Original poster

Harassment on the bus - the right action?

18 replies

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 11:32

We needed to use public transport early this morning (the trains weren't running at that time) and I haven't taken a bus in approx two years.

In short my daughter and I were harassed by a man on the bus, who sat in front of us. I would say he didn't seem quite well and had problems, but he wouldn't leave us alone. We got off the bus around 20 minutes away from our stop as I didn't feel safe.
I refused to answer or engage with him and just ignored him. I wanted to ask him to leave us alone but thought that might enrage him further. We were sitting at the very front of the bus and I hoped the bus driver might intervene or ask him to leave the bus but he did not.

I just wondered if I could have done anything differently. We both felt a bit shaken by the experience.

OP posts:

WunWun · 18/06/2023 11:32

What actually happened?

WunWun · 18/06/2023 11:33

And how old is your daughter?

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 11:36

Verbally harassing us, wouldn't leave us alone as soon as he sat down. At one point he started to apologise for embarrassing us then just continued. He was trying to make us answer questions and seemed quite angry, raising his voice asking us to 'say yes or no'.

My daughter is 11 if that makes a difference?

OP posts:

Mars27 · 18/06/2023 11:36

Sorry you went through this but buses are full of nutters.

Bus drivers won't risk their own safety for the safety of the passengers.

Unless there wasn't a seat further away you could have moved to you did the right thing which was to get off the bus. Nothing more you could have done

tacomaco · 18/06/2023 11:37

You should have moved seats if you feel you couldn’t say to him to stop. The driver wont put himself or other passengers at risk. His job is to drive.

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 11:40

Mars27 · 18/06/2023 11:36

Sorry you went through this but buses are full of nutters.

Bus drivers won't risk their own safety for the safety of the passengers.

Unless there wasn't a seat further away you could have moved to you did the right thing which was to get off the bus. Nothing more you could have done

Thank you.

I remembered some old advice (possibly even from here) that we're conditioned to be nice and it's difficult to behave in a way you might feel is impolite - so in my case refusing to engage and leaving the bus. I really felt it was the safest course. Though it made us late.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 18/06/2023 11:42

Sorry this happened to you and that all the other passengers were just bystanders rather than intervening to protect you. You did the right thing by abstracting yourself.

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 11:45

I did consider moving, though the bus was quite full downstairs (I didn't think of going upstairs). I was also concerned it might provoke him further (he was angry that we wouldn't respond) to move away and just wanted to remove us from the situation.

If we'd used the train I'd have felt more secure in what to do as there are signs up with specific information about harassment and numbers to call.

OP posts:

LakeTiticaca · 18/06/2023 11:49

Some drunken idiot started harassing me on a bus. I just moved seats

SinnerBoy · 18/06/2023 12:00

The bus was full and nobody told him to wind his neck in, lovely.

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 12:07

No, I'm afraid not. It's disgraceful really, in retrospect, but I think they might have been afraid of him turning his attention to them.

Though we saw him get up and move into our seats, so he possibly did start harassing someone else.

OP posts:

Mars27 · 18/06/2023 12:52

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 12:07

No, I'm afraid not. It's disgraceful really, in retrospect, but I think they might have been afraid of him turning his attention to them.

Though we saw him get up and move into our seats, so he possibly did start harassing someone else.

Sorry, can I just ask what kind of things he was saying? Because depending on what it was you could/should have called 999. If he was saying things of a sexual nature directly to your daughter for example.

If it was just random musings then no, calling the police not warranted.

I don't know if it's because I depended on buses for such a long time coming back from work late at night I've learned to keep my guard up and be on permanent weirdo watch. I was never afraid to move seats or go stand close to the driver's cabin, but I understand that this is a skill learned

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 13:14

Yes, I've definitely learned from the experience. We couldn't have moved as there weren't enough seats downstairs, but I suppose we could possibly have gone to stand near the driver's cabin, though the man was in the seats closest to the front of the bus, behind the stairs.
Just not a pleasant experience for my daughter. I'm going to discuss it later but she was glad we left the bus even though it made us late.

He didn't say anything of a sexual nature, and most of his comments were to me, but he was growing quite abusive and angry and perhaps also because we wouldn't respond.

OP posts:

WunWun · 18/06/2023 14:43

But what was he actually asking?

amicissimma · 18/06/2023 14:56

"we're conditioned to be nice and it's difficult to behave in a way you might feel is impolite"

Who is doing this conditioning? Hopefully not our own mothers. Or our DDs' mothers.

Do you feel that saying asking him very loudly, and as many times as necessary, to stop harrassing you/asking you annoying questions would teach your DD a useful tactic to use? You could ask him politely, saying 'please'. Were you fearful that he would respond with physical violence on a busy bus?

Why would you care if someone who seems to be unpleasant would think you are "impolite"? Would you like your DD to care?

Original poster

nemechenge · 18/06/2023 15:06

Were you fearful that he would respond with physical violence on a busy bus?

Quite possibly, I suppose. Though I just remember not wanting to risk escalating things and my instinct was to remove us from the situation. I'm glad that people seem to think I acted correctly, and I've received good, additional advice for future.

OP posts:

Mars27 · 18/06/2023 15:07

amicissimma · 18/06/2023 14:56

"we're conditioned to be nice and it's difficult to behave in a way you might feel is impolite"

Who is doing this conditioning? Hopefully not our own mothers. Or our DDs' mothers.

Why would you care if someone who seems to be unpleasant would think you are "impolite"? Would you like your DD to care?

It's not that easy, men can quite easily become physically violent. I was verbally attacked on a bus with my son and when I started filming he yanked my phone out of my hand and grabbed my arm. I started hitting him with my free arm while shouting "give me my phone".

While I feel comfortable defending myself due to lots of reasons, some people like the OP are not confident or comfortable doing the same and ultimately the onus is not on her to defend herself, it's not her fault she was harassed.

MammaTo · 18/06/2023 15:57

I wouldn’t dwell on it too much. Sadly, buses are full of nutters and as much as it pains me to say it, sometimes you do just have to placate them until you can get off safely.

Id maybe use this experience to teach your daughter about being out and about in public and what to do because situations like this will always occur.

I remember a man once followed me off the bus (I was only 17 coming home from work) and an older girl in her 20’s said “omg I thought it was you, how are you!!” And he scarpered, I thought she was so switched on to help me out like this. It’s a nightmare at the time but a valuable lesson to teach your daughter.

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